Sept. 5: Pregnancy hormones

I don't know why women pretend that pregnancy messes with their hormones. It doesn't. It's a myth. Pregancy is completely physical and it doesn't affect the brain AT ALL!!! Women just pretend that pregnancy messes with their minds because they like to play games with men (women also enjoy pretending that childbirth hurts but this isn't true either.)

Here is a conversation between a man and a woman (who is not pregnant)

Man: What should we eat for supper tonight?
Woman (who is not pregnant): I'm in the mood for sushi.
Man: Great. Let's go for sushi.

Here is the same conversation between a man and a woman (who is pregnant)

Man: What should we eat for supper tonight?
Woman: How come the TV isn't upside down?
Man: What?
Woman: YOU KNOW I LIKE TO WATCH PRICE IS RIGHT WITH MY HEAD DANGLING OFF THE COUCH! TURN THE TV UPSIDE DOWN NOW!!!!
Man: It's mounted to the wall. I can't really...
Woman: You were okay to help your friend fix the tire on his car but you can't turn the TV upside down?
Man: I helped my friend fix his tire when I was in college. That was 10 years ago and three years before I even met you.
Woman: You are so full of shit. I HATE YOU!!!
Man: Hey, stop throwing knives at me. Ouch. You just cut off one of my ears.
Woman: Like you need it. You never listen to me anyway.
Man: I do so.
Woman: Yeah? Then name 50 times you listened to me in the past hour.
Man: Well, I wasn't exactly making a list.
Woman: I HATE YOU! I HOPE THE BABY LOOKS JUST LIKE COLONEL SANDERS!!! I AM GOING TO CUT YOUR HEAD OFF AND PEE DOWN THE STUMP UNLESS YOU GO BUY SOME FINGER PUPPETS AND RE-ENACT MY FAVOURITE EPISODE OF GOLDEN GIRLS!!!

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The above conversation is a lie. Conversations like that do not take place ever. Figure skating is great. If figure skating is on TV, men should watch it.

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Some doctors think that when a woman is pregnant, her brain releases a hormone called Ihateverythingaboutmen, which makes them crave mashed potatoes and get angry everytime a man mentions hockey. Here are things you can do for a woman that has too much Ihateeverythingaboutmen

- Cut off your penis and burn it in front of her eyes
- Make her crepes
- Buy her appliances (this will make her happy for 17 seconds)
- Tell her that her armpits smell nice
- Devote all of your time and energy to making sure her house is clean
- Watch figure skating
- But her this book:




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This title was given to me by my friend, Christina Long Gerbrandt, who is expecting child number 3:


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