Sept. 4: The best way to make hot dogs
The best way to make hot dogs are to cook them with a mushroom cloud from a nuclear explosion. Here is how to do it:
1. Put hot dogs on grill.
2. Walk 300 feet away from grill and put down a nuclear bomb.
3. Set nuclear bomb to go off in five minutes.
4. Run really fast.
The nuclear bomb will send out an explosion that's so hot that the wieners will be incinerated. There will be nothing left to eat and this is the best way to eat a hot dog. There is nothing good in hot dogs (the same can be said about the New Democrat Party) so your body will thank you. Eat salad instead.
However, if you absolutely must eat a hot dog, here is the best way to do it:
1. Go to a baseball park.
2. Order a hot dog.
For some reason, whenever a hot dog enters a ball park, it is infused with yumminess (some people think this yumminess is called MSG.) If you can't make it to a ball park, you can order a hot dog from a street vendor because those hot dogs are good too.
One year when I was at the Highland Games, I was waiting for my friend Meaghan to show up so I could take a picture of her and her friend, who has red hair. The friend with red hair said she wanted a hot dog, so she ordered one and covered it in mustard and ketchup (which is bad) and then she ate it and this made me sad. Here is the reason it made me sad: The girl with the red hair was a star athlete. She won all sorts of sports awards at her school and she kicked ass at volleyball and soccer and pretty much everything where a person might work up a sweat. So I was sad to see her eat junk food. I wanted to believe that athletes like her only eat brussel sprouts and wheat germ and carrot sticks and Wheaties and things with raisins in them. I told her my feelings and she laughed a little and said she pretty much ate what she wanted to.
Once I ordered a hot dog and I took it to a friend to have it analyzed. He said that the hot dog was mostly made up of stuff that was scraped off the slaughterhouse floor. There was some salt and some sawdust thrown in for flavour, but mostly it's pig lips and cow shit. This is why I laugh when someone orders a hot dog without the bun. "I don't eat bread," they say. "Bread is bad for you."
Hot dogs might be crap but it's yummy crap. Once I was in a convenience store in North Dakota with my friend, Natalie, and they were selling hot dogs for 50 cents and although I really wanted a hot dog, I didn't order one because the wiener was in one of those rotating wiener machines. That means that the wiener is on a skewer that rotates and at the top of the machine is a hot lamp so that the wiener gets nuked when it reaches the apex of the cycle. There was only one hot dog in the machine and the hot dog looked like it had cancer. It oozed a fluid that was rich in salmonella. I did not eat it because I knew if I did then about an hour later I would have to listen to my bum make a sound like an elephant singing O Canada.
One of the worst ways to eat a hot dog is from a shitty hot dog machine from a crappy convenience store on the northern tip of North Dakota.
If I was making hot dogs at home (my son will probably go through a phase where hot dogs are his favourite food) then my preferred method of cooking them would be by boiling. When you boil a hot dog, the whole thing stays soggy. Also, you can use the hot dog water to make tea for people you don't like, like people who play hockey for the Vancouver Canucks or big fat guys who never wear deodorant or Yanni.
If I didn't have a stove (and I don't) or a hot plate, I guess I'd have to come up with another way to prepare hot dogs. I could barbecue them, which would be better than frying them in a pan, which would be better than microwaving them. The microwave is the worst way to make hot dogs. Making hot dogs in the microwave makes about as much sense as eating someone else's vomit. Hot dogs are bad for you anyway but when you make them in the microwave, they get extra soggy and they taste bad. If you're going to eat something that's awful for you, then it should at least taste good. Most people know this and that's why you don't see a whole lot of people eating dog shit or cardboard boxes or the sweet and sour sauce they serve at McDonald's.
My best friend used to have the bad habit of staying out until 3 in the morning. He would come home drunk and hungry and his favourite thing to eat was cut up hot dogs microwaved on saltines with ketchup. I never witnessed it. I just heard about the practice from his family.
So I will summarize
Ways to make hot dogs, ranked in order of preference
1. Nuclear bomb
2. Ball park
3. Hot dog vendor in New York City
4. Hot dog vendor outside New York City
5. Boiling them
6. Barbecuing them
7. Frying them
8. Microwaving them
9. Putting them on rotating skewer machines in crappy convenience stores in North Dakota
10. Making them in Yanni's kitchen.
1. Put hot dogs on grill.
2. Walk 300 feet away from grill and put down a nuclear bomb.
3. Set nuclear bomb to go off in five minutes.
4. Run really fast.
The nuclear bomb will send out an explosion that's so hot that the wieners will be incinerated. There will be nothing left to eat and this is the best way to eat a hot dog. There is nothing good in hot dogs (the same can be said about the New Democrat Party) so your body will thank you. Eat salad instead.
However, if you absolutely must eat a hot dog, here is the best way to do it:
1. Go to a baseball park.
2. Order a hot dog.
For some reason, whenever a hot dog enters a ball park, it is infused with yumminess (some people think this yumminess is called MSG.) If you can't make it to a ball park, you can order a hot dog from a street vendor because those hot dogs are good too.
One year when I was at the Highland Games, I was waiting for my friend Meaghan to show up so I could take a picture of her and her friend, who has red hair. The friend with red hair said she wanted a hot dog, so she ordered one and covered it in mustard and ketchup (which is bad) and then she ate it and this made me sad. Here is the reason it made me sad: The girl with the red hair was a star athlete. She won all sorts of sports awards at her school and she kicked ass at volleyball and soccer and pretty much everything where a person might work up a sweat. So I was sad to see her eat junk food. I wanted to believe that athletes like her only eat brussel sprouts and wheat germ and carrot sticks and Wheaties and things with raisins in them. I told her my feelings and she laughed a little and said she pretty much ate what she wanted to.
Once I ordered a hot dog and I took it to a friend to have it analyzed. He said that the hot dog was mostly made up of stuff that was scraped off the slaughterhouse floor. There was some salt and some sawdust thrown in for flavour, but mostly it's pig lips and cow shit. This is why I laugh when someone orders a hot dog without the bun. "I don't eat bread," they say. "Bread is bad for you."
Hot dogs might be crap but it's yummy crap. Once I was in a convenience store in North Dakota with my friend, Natalie, and they were selling hot dogs for 50 cents and although I really wanted a hot dog, I didn't order one because the wiener was in one of those rotating wiener machines. That means that the wiener is on a skewer that rotates and at the top of the machine is a hot lamp so that the wiener gets nuked when it reaches the apex of the cycle. There was only one hot dog in the machine and the hot dog looked like it had cancer. It oozed a fluid that was rich in salmonella. I did not eat it because I knew if I did then about an hour later I would have to listen to my bum make a sound like an elephant singing O Canada.
One of the worst ways to eat a hot dog is from a shitty hot dog machine from a crappy convenience store on the northern tip of North Dakota.
If I was making hot dogs at home (my son will probably go through a phase where hot dogs are his favourite food) then my preferred method of cooking them would be by boiling. When you boil a hot dog, the whole thing stays soggy. Also, you can use the hot dog water to make tea for people you don't like, like people who play hockey for the Vancouver Canucks or big fat guys who never wear deodorant or Yanni.
If I didn't have a stove (and I don't) or a hot plate, I guess I'd have to come up with another way to prepare hot dogs. I could barbecue them, which would be better than frying them in a pan, which would be better than microwaving them. The microwave is the worst way to make hot dogs. Making hot dogs in the microwave makes about as much sense as eating someone else's vomit. Hot dogs are bad for you anyway but when you make them in the microwave, they get extra soggy and they taste bad. If you're going to eat something that's awful for you, then it should at least taste good. Most people know this and that's why you don't see a whole lot of people eating dog shit or cardboard boxes or the sweet and sour sauce they serve at McDonald's.
My best friend used to have the bad habit of staying out until 3 in the morning. He would come home drunk and hungry and his favourite thing to eat was cut up hot dogs microwaved on saltines with ketchup. I never witnessed it. I just heard about the practice from his family.
So I will summarize
Ways to make hot dogs, ranked in order of preference
1. Nuclear bomb
2. Ball park
3. Hot dog vendor in New York City
4. Hot dog vendor outside New York City
5. Boiling them
6. Barbecuing them
7. Frying them
8. Microwaving them
9. Putting them on rotating skewer machines in crappy convenience stores in North Dakota
10. Making them in Yanni's kitchen.
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