Sept. 17: Saving the environment
I'm a little too pragmatic to say that we need to shut down the
oilsands, turn recycling into a national religion and make owning a
Hummer a capital crime. However, I am deeply concerned about our
environment and the culture of waste that we are teaching our children.
But rather than pass a whole bunch of laws, I suggest that saving our environment will be easier if we simply do a bunch of little things that, en masse, will save countless trees and a whole lot of water. We need to start with our manufacturing sector. Having said that, here are 10 things that we should stop manufacturing now. The life of our planet is at stake.
1. Electric razors
Electric razors have got to be the stupidest invention in the world. The whole premise behind electric razors is that there's massive global demand for a product that will only shave 20 per cent of your face. Seriously, you'll get a better shave if you get a dozen blind epileptic kindergarten students to rub our face with popsicle sticks.
The really awful thing about electric razors is that they don't improve on the old fashioned way at all. Take a look at this:
That's a straight razor. That's what I use to shave. Notice it doesn't have an on button. Know why? Because it isn't powered by electricity; it's powered by me moving my arm up and down. having with a straight razor takes only 20 seconds longer than with an electric razor. I realize that 20 seconds is an awful long time in our fast-paced world. Therade off s hat when you're done shaving wt a straight razor, your face is actually shaved. Shave with an electric razor and your face will look like a forest in British Columbia.
If you're planning on buying an electric razor for a man in yor life, make sure that man is a moron.
2. Quaker's peaches and cream flavoured instant oatmeal
When was the last time you said "You know what would really hit the spot right now? A nice hot bowl of peaches and cream flavoured oatmeal."
You've probably never said it. In fact, no one has ever said it. That's because peaches and cream flavoured oatmeal tastes like vomit. It smells like it too. Even so, the idiots at Quaker still insist on manufacturing peaches and cream oatmeal and pumping it out to grocery stores everywhere. I guess there's a whole lot of people out there who like the taste of barf.
I am actually old enough to remember the golden age when the Quaker oatmeal variety packs had four flavours of instant oatmeal - raisins and spice, sugar and spice, apples and cinnamon and, everyone's favourite, maple and brown sugar (which my sister always hogged.) Both packets of maple oatmeal would be gone before the first Saturday morning cartoon ended, but we didn't really care. We knew the other three flavours were okay consolation prizes.
Then the dummies at Quaker started including peaches and cream oatmeal into the variety packs. That really pissed us off because mom wouldn't buy another variety pack until all the oatmeal was gone. I think I ate peaches and cream oatmeal just once and it tasted so bad that I barfed in it and it improved the taste.
Seriously, stop manufacturing this stuff yesterday.
3. Any book written by Richard Dawkins, Joel Osteen or Dr. Oz
They can all be summarized as follows:
Dawkins
- Evolution is true
- Organized religion is dangerous
Osteen
- God wants you to be happy and healthy (don't show this book to people in Africa.)
Dr. Oz
- Stay away from fatty foods
- Exercise more
- Thank you, Oprah
4. Swiss army knives
Swiss army knives are the most useless invention ever.
When was the last time you needed a bark stripper? Or a leather punch? Or a pair of tweezers that don't work?
I thought so.
5. Tic-Tac-Toe board games
I've been screaming about the stupidity of tic-tac-toe board games for about 20 years now and no one is listening to me. For some reason, board game manufacturers continue to think that making tic-tac-toe boards is a wonderful thing. See the picture above? That's a Belcaire tic tac toe set. Here's what some hapless ad copy writer says about it: "Walnut and polished nickel combine to create the stunning Belcaire Tic Tac Toe Set. A handsome addition to your study, office, library, or game room, this distinguished set makes a great gift."
Ummm, no it doesn't make a great gift (unless it's a party for someone who just had a lobotomy.) If anyone ever gets me the Belcaire tic-tac-toe set, I will punch them in the head. I don't care if the gift giver is a baby. That baby's getting a black eye.
The Belcaire set costs $300. I want to type that one more time so you can really get the gist of it. Three hundred dollars! Not even the New Democrats can waste money like that. Who in their right mind could possibly think that's a smart way to spend your money? All tic-tac-toe board games are idiotic but this $300 set really takes the cake. Its mere existence posits that the following conversation takes place dozens of times every day around the world.
Dalmango: Hey Shteevie, would you like to come to my house on Saturday night to play tic-tac-toe?
Shteevie: Aww man, I'd love to but I just don't think I can do it.
Dalmango: Why not? I know how much you love to play tic-tac-toe. It's pretty much all you ever talk about. If it's not your love of Jill Hennessy or Dr. Pepper, you're talking about your love of placing X's and O's on a three-by-three grid.
Shteevie: Stop talking about tic-tac-toe. You're giving me serious noughts and cross withdrawal. Look, Dalmango, let me level with you. I adore tic-tac-toe, but I just can't stand having to draw those four lines every time I want to play a game. It's so time consuming.
Dalmango: I've solved that problem, my very good friend. I went to the Belcaire store yesterday and I bought a $300 tic-tac-toe game.
Shteevie: Really.
Dalmango: You bet. No more drawing grids. No more passing a pencil back and forth. Now we can play our favourite game in a classy fashion forever.
The website said there's only one Belcaire board available. No one has posted any reviews of it yet.
Amazon, on the other hand, offers some tic-tac-toe boards for sale and some of them are getting FIVE STAR REVIEWS!!! Here are some samples:
-I purchased this game for my granddaughter for Christmas. Now we do not have to waste paper when we play tic tac toe.
-GREAT, rec'd it XMAS day perfect gift for my grdaughter. Signed, a person who hates her granddaughter
-I purchased this Tic Tac Toe game through Amazon.com. It is sturdy and completely contained in its own box. The pieces are big enough to hold and play with and they stay in place while the car is moving. It's easy to keep the game together and not lose the pieces because of the durable little box which doubles as the gameboard. I've seen this game higher priced, but I am very satisfied with the quality of this game. The game keeps my kids busy in the back seat for a good long time so I don't have to say, "No, we're not there yet." (Shteevie's comment: If your kids can be entertained by a tic tac toe game for hours, I would be seriously worried.)
- This was great to have for our last road trip. My girls played with this game for hours. Highly recommend.
Off my planet, people.
6.Garfield
You know... we could probably save the rainforest if we'd simply stop making things with Garfield on it.
Garfield's image can be found on countless books, coffee mugs, posters, bookmarks, and automobiles.
Jim Davis has been drawing Garfield since 1978. In that time, we've learned that Garfield is very lazy and that he likes to eat lasagna. That's about it.
The best thing that ever happened to Garfield was the discovery that he isn't necessary (and Indiana Jones isn't necessary in Raiders of the Lost Ark either.) Some guy named Dan Walsh has a site called Garfield minus Garfield. In it, he removes Garfield and his thought balloons from the strip, leaving poor ole Jon Arbuckle to live alone in his schizophrenic dystopia.
To his credit, Jim Davis thinks Garfield minus Garfield is inspired. As for me, I just think the world doesn't need much more of the orange blob.
7. Pop
This will probably hurt a little, given how much I write about Dr. Pepper. Honestly though, does the world need pop? Isn't the whole idea behind pop that we should take water, add a bunch of chemicals and sugar and carbon to it, and then charge people to drink it? When you think about it, pop is pretty stupid. It's unhealthy too.
I have a theory that no one actually likes the taste of pop. They drink it because they're addicted to it and they find it refreshing; they don't drink it because it tastes good. If pop tasted good, people would be okay drinking it warm. But no one likes warm pop. They only like it cold and this is proof that the temperature is more important than the taste.
We should ban pop and drink water instead. We'll all be healthier.
8. People Magazine
On May 28, 2011, my brother got married. I was at his wedding and it was a wonderful day. It's a memory I'll cherish forever.
Five days before the wedding, People Magazine launched its latest issue. In it we learned about Pippa Middleton's claim to the spotlight, Paul McCartney's engagement, Arnold Schwarzenegger's split with Maria Shriver, and how Shania Twain was coping with her husband's alleged affair. I admit that the last item caused me to raise my eyebrows a bit. If a guy who's married to Shania Twain is going to cheat on her, is any woman safe from the spectre of infidelity?
In any case, I love my baby bro and I cared more about celebrating his wedding than I did mourning the breakups of people in Hollywood who don't give a shit about me. Honestly, I care more about the people in my own neighbourhood. This week, I will be interviewing the high school's new principal, several students involved in the Terry Fox Run, and another lady who will celebrate the 40th anniversary of her dance school. I will find all of them at least a dozen times more interesting than anything coming out of Kim Kardashian's mouth.
The cult of celebrity worship sucks.
And yes, Jill Hennessy-loving Shteevie is a hypocrite.
Tee hee.
9. Leaf blowers
There's no good reason to buy a leaf blower unless you're an asshole. Only assholes buy leaf blowers.
I mean, what does a leaf blower do, really? It blows leaves around. Why do leaves need to be blown around? Just leave the leaves where they are. They'll decompose soon enough and your lawn will look fine again.
Let's just pretend you have a yard full of leaves. You have a choice. You can get rid of the leaves or you can let them sit there. Neither option requires a leaf blower. In fact, leaf blowers are detrimental to both alternatives.
If you don't care about the leaves, just let them sit there. Like I said, they'll decompose. But if you want to get rid of them, you'll need a rake and a bunch of those really big clear garbage bags that they sell at Canadian Tire. For this, you absolutely don't need a leaf blower. The whole idea behind raking leaves is to get the leaves in one concentrated area so they can be shoveled into a garbage bag. Leaf blowers do the exact opposite of this. We already have something that causes leaves to get scattered everywhere. It's called autumn. Basically, a leaf blower is nothing but a noisy, electricity-sucking poor substitute for October.
The only reason to buy a leaf blower is to blow the leaves off your property in the noisiest way possible. Basically you're saying "Man I hate all these leaves on my property and I'm too lazy to do anything about it so I'm going to make the leaves someone else's problem. I'll blow them on to the street or into my neighbour's yard and I think I'll do it using a machine that makes a sound as ugly and as loud as a toddler that's on fire."
If you own a leaf blower, you're an asshole.
10. Drinking straws
I guess I can kind of understand why drinking straws are necessary when you're getting a drink at a drive-thru. It's just easier to sip a drink through a straw when you're driving your car car.
But I don't understand why I need a straw when I'm having a drink in a restaurant. I'm actually insulted by this. When you give me a glass of water with a straw in it, you're saying "You're probably not agile enough to handle this whole glass-to-mouth thing, honey. Here's a straw."
Well that is silly. It just doesn't make sense that they give me a straw if I order water or milk or Dr. Pepper or Tahiti Treat, but not if I order beer or wine or cognac. I think straws are mostly unnecessary but if we absolutely have to have them, they belong in the booze, not the pop. Heck, after a few glasses of Merlot, I'd probably have difficulty getting the glass to my mouth anyway. The same couldn't be said if I was sipping V8.
So there you go. Ten things we can eliminate to make the world a greener place.
-
Author's note: A lot of this material I have explored before. Just couldn't resist resurrecting it here.
But rather than pass a whole bunch of laws, I suggest that saving our environment will be easier if we simply do a bunch of little things that, en masse, will save countless trees and a whole lot of water. We need to start with our manufacturing sector. Having said that, here are 10 things that we should stop manufacturing now. The life of our planet is at stake.
1. Electric razors
Electric razors have got to be the stupidest invention in the world. The whole premise behind electric razors is that there's massive global demand for a product that will only shave 20 per cent of your face. Seriously, you'll get a better shave if you get a dozen blind epileptic kindergarten students to rub our face with popsicle sticks.
The really awful thing about electric razors is that they don't improve on the old fashioned way at all. Take a look at this:
That's a straight razor. That's what I use to shave. Notice it doesn't have an on button. Know why? Because it isn't powered by electricity; it's powered by me moving my arm up and down. having with a straight razor takes only 20 seconds longer than with an electric razor. I realize that 20 seconds is an awful long time in our fast-paced world. Therade off s hat when you're done shaving wt a straight razor, your face is actually shaved. Shave with an electric razor and your face will look like a forest in British Columbia.
If you're planning on buying an electric razor for a man in yor life, make sure that man is a moron.
2. Quaker's peaches and cream flavoured instant oatmeal
When was the last time you said "You know what would really hit the spot right now? A nice hot bowl of peaches and cream flavoured oatmeal."
You've probably never said it. In fact, no one has ever said it. That's because peaches and cream flavoured oatmeal tastes like vomit. It smells like it too. Even so, the idiots at Quaker still insist on manufacturing peaches and cream oatmeal and pumping it out to grocery stores everywhere. I guess there's a whole lot of people out there who like the taste of barf.
I am actually old enough to remember the golden age when the Quaker oatmeal variety packs had four flavours of instant oatmeal - raisins and spice, sugar and spice, apples and cinnamon and, everyone's favourite, maple and brown sugar (which my sister always hogged.) Both packets of maple oatmeal would be gone before the first Saturday morning cartoon ended, but we didn't really care. We knew the other three flavours were okay consolation prizes.
Then the dummies at Quaker started including peaches and cream oatmeal into the variety packs. That really pissed us off because mom wouldn't buy another variety pack until all the oatmeal was gone. I think I ate peaches and cream oatmeal just once and it tasted so bad that I barfed in it and it improved the taste.
Seriously, stop manufacturing this stuff yesterday.
3. Any book written by Richard Dawkins, Joel Osteen or Dr. Oz
They can all be summarized as follows:
Dawkins
- Evolution is true
- Organized religion is dangerous
Osteen
- God wants you to be happy and healthy (don't show this book to people in Africa.)
Dr. Oz
- Stay away from fatty foods
- Exercise more
- Thank you, Oprah
4. Swiss army knives
Swiss army knives are the most useless invention ever.
When was the last time you needed a bark stripper? Or a leather punch? Or a pair of tweezers that don't work?
I thought so.
5. Tic-Tac-Toe board games
I've been screaming about the stupidity of tic-tac-toe board games for about 20 years now and no one is listening to me. For some reason, board game manufacturers continue to think that making tic-tac-toe boards is a wonderful thing. See the picture above? That's a Belcaire tic tac toe set. Here's what some hapless ad copy writer says about it: "Walnut and polished nickel combine to create the stunning Belcaire Tic Tac Toe Set. A handsome addition to your study, office, library, or game room, this distinguished set makes a great gift."
Ummm, no it doesn't make a great gift (unless it's a party for someone who just had a lobotomy.) If anyone ever gets me the Belcaire tic-tac-toe set, I will punch them in the head. I don't care if the gift giver is a baby. That baby's getting a black eye.
The Belcaire set costs $300. I want to type that one more time so you can really get the gist of it. Three hundred dollars! Not even the New Democrats can waste money like that. Who in their right mind could possibly think that's a smart way to spend your money? All tic-tac-toe board games are idiotic but this $300 set really takes the cake. Its mere existence posits that the following conversation takes place dozens of times every day around the world.
Dalmango: Hey Shteevie, would you like to come to my house on Saturday night to play tic-tac-toe?
Shteevie: Aww man, I'd love to but I just don't think I can do it.
Dalmango: Why not? I know how much you love to play tic-tac-toe. It's pretty much all you ever talk about. If it's not your love of Jill Hennessy or Dr. Pepper, you're talking about your love of placing X's and O's on a three-by-three grid.
Shteevie: Stop talking about tic-tac-toe. You're giving me serious noughts and cross withdrawal. Look, Dalmango, let me level with you. I adore tic-tac-toe, but I just can't stand having to draw those four lines every time I want to play a game. It's so time consuming.
Dalmango: I've solved that problem, my very good friend. I went to the Belcaire store yesterday and I bought a $300 tic-tac-toe game.
Shteevie: Really.
Dalmango: You bet. No more drawing grids. No more passing a pencil back and forth. Now we can play our favourite game in a classy fashion forever.
The website said there's only one Belcaire board available. No one has posted any reviews of it yet.
Amazon, on the other hand, offers some tic-tac-toe boards for sale and some of them are getting FIVE STAR REVIEWS!!! Here are some samples:
-I purchased this game for my granddaughter for Christmas. Now we do not have to waste paper when we play tic tac toe.
-GREAT, rec'd it XMAS day perfect gift for my grdaughter. Signed, a person who hates her granddaughter
-I purchased this Tic Tac Toe game through Amazon.com. It is sturdy and completely contained in its own box. The pieces are big enough to hold and play with and they stay in place while the car is moving. It's easy to keep the game together and not lose the pieces because of the durable little box which doubles as the gameboard. I've seen this game higher priced, but I am very satisfied with the quality of this game. The game keeps my kids busy in the back seat for a good long time so I don't have to say, "No, we're not there yet." (Shteevie's comment: If your kids can be entertained by a tic tac toe game for hours, I would be seriously worried.)
- This was great to have for our last road trip. My girls played with this game for hours. Highly recommend.
Off my planet, people.
6.Garfield
You know... we could probably save the rainforest if we'd simply stop making things with Garfield on it.
Garfield's image can be found on countless books, coffee mugs, posters, bookmarks, and automobiles.
Jim Davis has been drawing Garfield since 1978. In that time, we've learned that Garfield is very lazy and that he likes to eat lasagna. That's about it.
The best thing that ever happened to Garfield was the discovery that he isn't necessary (and Indiana Jones isn't necessary in Raiders of the Lost Ark either.) Some guy named Dan Walsh has a site called Garfield minus Garfield. In it, he removes Garfield and his thought balloons from the strip, leaving poor ole Jon Arbuckle to live alone in his schizophrenic dystopia.
To his credit, Jim Davis thinks Garfield minus Garfield is inspired. As for me, I just think the world doesn't need much more of the orange blob.
7. Pop
This will probably hurt a little, given how much I write about Dr. Pepper. Honestly though, does the world need pop? Isn't the whole idea behind pop that we should take water, add a bunch of chemicals and sugar and carbon to it, and then charge people to drink it? When you think about it, pop is pretty stupid. It's unhealthy too.
I have a theory that no one actually likes the taste of pop. They drink it because they're addicted to it and they find it refreshing; they don't drink it because it tastes good. If pop tasted good, people would be okay drinking it warm. But no one likes warm pop. They only like it cold and this is proof that the temperature is more important than the taste.
We should ban pop and drink water instead. We'll all be healthier.
8. People Magazine
On May 28, 2011, my brother got married. I was at his wedding and it was a wonderful day. It's a memory I'll cherish forever.
Five days before the wedding, People Magazine launched its latest issue. In it we learned about Pippa Middleton's claim to the spotlight, Paul McCartney's engagement, Arnold Schwarzenegger's split with Maria Shriver, and how Shania Twain was coping with her husband's alleged affair. I admit that the last item caused me to raise my eyebrows a bit. If a guy who's married to Shania Twain is going to cheat on her, is any woman safe from the spectre of infidelity?
In any case, I love my baby bro and I cared more about celebrating his wedding than I did mourning the breakups of people in Hollywood who don't give a shit about me. Honestly, I care more about the people in my own neighbourhood. This week, I will be interviewing the high school's new principal, several students involved in the Terry Fox Run, and another lady who will celebrate the 40th anniversary of her dance school. I will find all of them at least a dozen times more interesting than anything coming out of Kim Kardashian's mouth.
The cult of celebrity worship sucks.
And yes, Jill Hennessy-loving Shteevie is a hypocrite.
Tee hee.
9. Leaf blowers
There's no good reason to buy a leaf blower unless you're an asshole. Only assholes buy leaf blowers.
I mean, what does a leaf blower do, really? It blows leaves around. Why do leaves need to be blown around? Just leave the leaves where they are. They'll decompose soon enough and your lawn will look fine again.
Let's just pretend you have a yard full of leaves. You have a choice. You can get rid of the leaves or you can let them sit there. Neither option requires a leaf blower. In fact, leaf blowers are detrimental to both alternatives.
If you don't care about the leaves, just let them sit there. Like I said, they'll decompose. But if you want to get rid of them, you'll need a rake and a bunch of those really big clear garbage bags that they sell at Canadian Tire. For this, you absolutely don't need a leaf blower. The whole idea behind raking leaves is to get the leaves in one concentrated area so they can be shoveled into a garbage bag. Leaf blowers do the exact opposite of this. We already have something that causes leaves to get scattered everywhere. It's called autumn. Basically, a leaf blower is nothing but a noisy, electricity-sucking poor substitute for October.
The only reason to buy a leaf blower is to blow the leaves off your property in the noisiest way possible. Basically you're saying "Man I hate all these leaves on my property and I'm too lazy to do anything about it so I'm going to make the leaves someone else's problem. I'll blow them on to the street or into my neighbour's yard and I think I'll do it using a machine that makes a sound as ugly and as loud as a toddler that's on fire."
If you own a leaf blower, you're an asshole.
10. Drinking straws
I guess I can kind of understand why drinking straws are necessary when you're getting a drink at a drive-thru. It's just easier to sip a drink through a straw when you're driving your car car.
But I don't understand why I need a straw when I'm having a drink in a restaurant. I'm actually insulted by this. When you give me a glass of water with a straw in it, you're saying "You're probably not agile enough to handle this whole glass-to-mouth thing, honey. Here's a straw."
Well that is silly. It just doesn't make sense that they give me a straw if I order water or milk or Dr. Pepper or Tahiti Treat, but not if I order beer or wine or cognac. I think straws are mostly unnecessary but if we absolutely have to have them, they belong in the booze, not the pop. Heck, after a few glasses of Merlot, I'd probably have difficulty getting the glass to my mouth anyway. The same couldn't be said if I was sipping V8.
So there you go. Ten things we can eliminate to make the world a greener place.
-
Author's note: A lot of this material I have explored before. Just couldn't resist resurrecting it here.
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