May 28: It happened in Drumheller
Once my friend Tom peed on a rabbit.
We were 18 and we were on the way to Drumheller and Tom asked if I'd stop the car because he had to pee. I pulled over. We were surrounded by hoodoos. It looked like this:
So I'm sitting in the car and I am listening to music (probably Prince or Alice Cooper) and Tom is standing by the side of the road and he is whizzing and then he screams something and jumps back and I hear his elbow hit my car. Out I get and I see a brown rabbit jumping off to the south.
Tom looks at me, embarrassed. "I peed on that rabbit."
*
We drive into Drumheller and Tom is gnawing on his knuckle, the way he always does when something's eating at him.
Finally, he says: "I can't believe I peed on that rabbit."
"I'm sure the rabbit's over it."
"He's probably mad."
"Rabbits don't get mad."
"How do you know?"
"I'm a magician. I pull rabbits out of hats. Consequently, I know a lot more about lagomorphs than most people do."
"What's a lagomorph?"
"It's a rabbit."
"Oh."
I take a drink from my bottle of Dr. Pepper.
The bottle of Dr. Pepper looked like this:
"Seriously, the rabbit's probably forgotten it by now," I say. "He probably doesn't even know it's pee. He probably thinks he just had a warm shower."
"No he knew it was pee. Trust me."
"How do you know he knew?"
"'Cause he gave me the look."
*
We arrive in Drumheller and we drive past the big dinosaur statue.
The big dinosaur statue looked like this:
I say: "I'm curious about the look the rabbit allegedly gave you."
"Uh huh?" Tom says.
"Like... rabbits don't really give looks, man. They kind of lack the facial muscles that enable them to give looks."
"It's the eyes, man. It's the eyes. You know that some companies spray their products in rabbit eyes to see how they might affect people, right?"
"Yeah," I say.
"Okay, so that tells me that rabbits and people both have expressive eyes. And the way this rabbit looked at me, it was like he wanted to kill me."
"Well, I'd probably want to kill someone if they peed on me," I said.
And then I took another sip from my bottle of Dr. Pepper.
The bottle of Dr. Pepper looked like this:
*
"I think we should play a game," I said.
"Why?"
"Because we need to get your mind off the rabbit. Let's play 20 questions."
"Okay. But you have to think of a person. That's easiest."
"Agreed," I say. "Okay, I am thinking of a person."
"Are you male?"
"Yes."
"Are you Canadian?"
"No."
"American?"
"Yes."
"Are you famous?"
"Yes."
"Are you over 20?"
"Yes."
"Over 30?"
"Yes."
"Over 60?"
"Yes."
"Over 70?"
"Probably."*
"Ronald Reagan?"
"No."
"That didn't count as a question."
"Yeah it did."
"No it didn't. Guesses don't count."
"Okay. Fine."
"How many is that?"
"Eight."
"That didn't count either."
"Okay."
"Are you a politician?"
"No."
"Are you in movies?"
"No."
"On TV?"
"Yes."
"So you're an actor?"
"No."
"You're not an actor but you're on TV?"
"Right."
"That wasn't a question either. That was just to clarify."
"Okay," I say.
"I'm on question 12."
"That's right."
"Are you a member of the media?"
"More specific, please."
"Like are you on a news show?"
"No."
"Are you a musician?"
"No."
"Are you on a TV show I've seen?"
"I'm not on a TV show."
"You're not?"
"No."
"HOW CAN YOU BE ON TV IF YOU'RE NOT ON A TV SHOW?"
"Think about it."
Long pause.
"You're on a TV commercial?"
"Yes."
"Ronald McDonald?"
"No."
"That didn't count either."
"Okay."
"Are you a cartoon character?"
"No."
"Are you like a fast food person?"
"No."
"Are you on a commercial for breakfast cereal?"
"No."
"I give up."
"Orville Redenbacher."
"Oh come on. How was I supposed to get that?"
"By asking questions," I say.
And I take another sip from my bottle of Dr. Pepper.
The bottle of Dr. Pepper looked like this:
-
We are approaching the grocery store, which is why we came to Drumheller in the first place.
"Okay smart guy," Tom says. "Now I'm gonna think of someone and see if you can get this."
"Go ahead."
"Are you male?"
"Yes."
"Are you a hockey player?"
"Yes."
"Are you Wayne Gretzky?"
"YES!!! SONOFABITCH!!! YES!!! HOW DO YOU DO THAT?!?!?!"
"I'm just really good at this game."
-
We go into the Drumheller grocery store. Tom and I take different grocery carts and begin walking down the aisles. We take groceries off the shelves and we put them in our carts.
Here is what I put in my cart: Dr. Pepper, Raisin Bran, yogurt, a big box of store brand Froot Loops, shaving cream and razor blades and toothpaste and a new toothbrush, allergy medication, chicken burgers, three loaves of rye bread, oranges, deodorant, dark chocolate Turtles, mustard, and a jar of oregano.
The jar of oregano looked like this:
Here is what Tom put in his cart: Bananas, Cheez Whiz lite, a tube of Preparation H, rhubarb jelly, extra-absorbent Kotex (for his girlfriend), some very strange looking vegetable that is orange and pink and had little yellowish-brown strands growing off it, three red peppers wrapped in plastic, pork schnitzel, one onion, a little plastic container of different coloured toothpicks, milk, a thingee of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, a paperback book about how to file your own tax returns, something with a Smurf on it, and a box of Orville Redenbacher microwave popcorn.
Orville Redenbacher looked like this:
Tom looks at me.
"I want to play twenty questions again. I'm thinking of someone. Who am I thinking of?"
"Orville Redenbacher."
"SONOFABITCH! I HATE YOUR GUTS! GO SMOKE A TURD, MORON!!!"
-
We are out in the parking lot and we are pushing our shopping carts to my car, which is a K-car that used to belong to my dad. The K-car is sort of sky blue coloured and it has no air conditioning but it has a tapedeck but it eats tapes on hot days, like this one.
The K-car looked like this:
Tom and I are playing 20 questions again and I am thinking about the celebrated Canadian playwright Gwen Pharis Ringwood and Tom has just asked me his 11th question, which is "do you have a tattoo of Liza Minnelli juggling pumpkins on your back?" and I am about to answer no when Tom shushes me.
"Look," he says.
"Where?"
"There," he whispers, and points to the edge of the parking lot.
The rabbit is there.
And he looks mad.
And he brought friends.
-
Soon we are surrounded by angry rabbits. One of them is wet and smells like pee.
The rabbits begin to close in.
Tom panics and grabs the closest item, which just happens to be the box of Orville Redenbacher microwaveable popcorn.
But this is no ordinary box of Orville Redenbacher microwaveable popcorn. It's a MAGIC box of Orville Redenbacher microwaveable popcorn. It is shaking and bouncing in Tom's hand. From the inside, we can see a bright light.
Tom opens it and Orville Redenbacher's comes flying out.
"I have been summoned through the spell of the 20 Questions game," he says. "I am here to do your bidding. What shall I do?"
"Protect us from the rabbits," Tom says.
"Very well," says Orville. He reaches into the box and pulls out a handful of popcorn and waves his hand. The popcorn begins to float in midair. It looked like this:
Orville Redenbacher stuck one piece of popcorn into his mouth.
He chewed the piece of popcorn.
He swallowed the piece of popcorn.
Then popcorn seeds shot out of his mouth like machine gun fire. They blasted into the angry rabbits, killing them or making them run away.
Tom and I looked at Orville and we were very grateful.
"Thank you," Tom said. "May I have a piece of popcorn?"
"You may but I think you will be sad," Orville said. "This is magic popcorn and if you eat just one piece, it will change your gender."
"I don't believe you," I said.
"Then I will demonstrate," said Orville Redenbacher.
He ate a piece of popcorn and turned into Ontario premier, Kathleen Wynne.
-
Full disclosure: I am not the only person to note a resemblance between Kathleen Wynne and the late Mr. Redenbacher.
http://theeco-senior.blogspot.ca/2014/04/orville-redenbacher-had-sister.html
We were 18 and we were on the way to Drumheller and Tom asked if I'd stop the car because he had to pee. I pulled over. We were surrounded by hoodoos. It looked like this:
So I'm sitting in the car and I am listening to music (probably Prince or Alice Cooper) and Tom is standing by the side of the road and he is whizzing and then he screams something and jumps back and I hear his elbow hit my car. Out I get and I see a brown rabbit jumping off to the south.
Tom looks at me, embarrassed. "I peed on that rabbit."
*
We drive into Drumheller and Tom is gnawing on his knuckle, the way he always does when something's eating at him.
Finally, he says: "I can't believe I peed on that rabbit."
"I'm sure the rabbit's over it."
"He's probably mad."
"Rabbits don't get mad."
"How do you know?"
"I'm a magician. I pull rabbits out of hats. Consequently, I know a lot more about lagomorphs than most people do."
"What's a lagomorph?"
"It's a rabbit."
"Oh."
I take a drink from my bottle of Dr. Pepper.
The bottle of Dr. Pepper looked like this:
"Seriously, the rabbit's probably forgotten it by now," I say. "He probably doesn't even know it's pee. He probably thinks he just had a warm shower."
"No he knew it was pee. Trust me."
"How do you know he knew?"
"'Cause he gave me the look."
*
We arrive in Drumheller and we drive past the big dinosaur statue.
The big dinosaur statue looked like this:
I say: "I'm curious about the look the rabbit allegedly gave you."
"Uh huh?" Tom says.
"Like... rabbits don't really give looks, man. They kind of lack the facial muscles that enable them to give looks."
"It's the eyes, man. It's the eyes. You know that some companies spray their products in rabbit eyes to see how they might affect people, right?"
"Yeah," I say.
"Okay, so that tells me that rabbits and people both have expressive eyes. And the way this rabbit looked at me, it was like he wanted to kill me."
"Well, I'd probably want to kill someone if they peed on me," I said.
And then I took another sip from my bottle of Dr. Pepper.
The bottle of Dr. Pepper looked like this:
*
"I think we should play a game," I said.
"Why?"
"Because we need to get your mind off the rabbit. Let's play 20 questions."
"Okay. But you have to think of a person. That's easiest."
"Agreed," I say. "Okay, I am thinking of a person."
"Are you male?"
"Yes."
"Are you Canadian?"
"No."
"American?"
"Yes."
"Are you famous?"
"Yes."
"Are you over 20?"
"Yes."
"Over 30?"
"Yes."
"Over 60?"
"Yes."
"Over 70?"
"Probably."*
"Ronald Reagan?"
"No."
"That didn't count as a question."
"Yeah it did."
"No it didn't. Guesses don't count."
"Okay. Fine."
"How many is that?"
"Eight."
"That didn't count either."
"Okay."
"Are you a politician?"
"No."
"Are you in movies?"
"No."
"On TV?"
"Yes."
"So you're an actor?"
"No."
"You're not an actor but you're on TV?"
"Right."
"That wasn't a question either. That was just to clarify."
"Okay," I say.
"I'm on question 12."
"That's right."
"Are you a member of the media?"
"More specific, please."
"Like are you on a news show?"
"No."
"Are you a musician?"
"No."
"Are you on a TV show I've seen?"
"I'm not on a TV show."
"You're not?"
"No."
"HOW CAN YOU BE ON TV IF YOU'RE NOT ON A TV SHOW?"
"Think about it."
Long pause.
"You're on a TV commercial?"
"Yes."
"Ronald McDonald?"
"No."
"That didn't count either."
"Okay."
"Are you a cartoon character?"
"No."
"Are you like a fast food person?"
"No."
"Are you on a commercial for breakfast cereal?"
"No."
"I give up."
"Orville Redenbacher."
"Oh come on. How was I supposed to get that?"
"By asking questions," I say.
And I take another sip from my bottle of Dr. Pepper.
The bottle of Dr. Pepper looked like this:
-
We are approaching the grocery store, which is why we came to Drumheller in the first place.
"Okay smart guy," Tom says. "Now I'm gonna think of someone and see if you can get this."
"Go ahead."
"Are you male?"
"Yes."
"Are you a hockey player?"
"Yes."
"Are you Wayne Gretzky?"
"YES!!! SONOFABITCH!!! YES!!! HOW DO YOU DO THAT?!?!?!"
"I'm just really good at this game."
-
We go into the Drumheller grocery store. Tom and I take different grocery carts and begin walking down the aisles. We take groceries off the shelves and we put them in our carts.
Here is what I put in my cart: Dr. Pepper, Raisin Bran, yogurt, a big box of store brand Froot Loops, shaving cream and razor blades and toothpaste and a new toothbrush, allergy medication, chicken burgers, three loaves of rye bread, oranges, deodorant, dark chocolate Turtles, mustard, and a jar of oregano.
The jar of oregano looked like this:
Here is what Tom put in his cart: Bananas, Cheez Whiz lite, a tube of Preparation H, rhubarb jelly, extra-absorbent Kotex (for his girlfriend), some very strange looking vegetable that is orange and pink and had little yellowish-brown strands growing off it, three red peppers wrapped in plastic, pork schnitzel, one onion, a little plastic container of different coloured toothpicks, milk, a thingee of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, a paperback book about how to file your own tax returns, something with a Smurf on it, and a box of Orville Redenbacher microwave popcorn.
Orville Redenbacher looked like this:
Tom looks at me.
"I want to play twenty questions again. I'm thinking of someone. Who am I thinking of?"
"Orville Redenbacher."
"SONOFABITCH! I HATE YOUR GUTS! GO SMOKE A TURD, MORON!!!"
-
We are out in the parking lot and we are pushing our shopping carts to my car, which is a K-car that used to belong to my dad. The K-car is sort of sky blue coloured and it has no air conditioning but it has a tapedeck but it eats tapes on hot days, like this one.
The K-car looked like this:
Tom and I are playing 20 questions again and I am thinking about the celebrated Canadian playwright Gwen Pharis Ringwood and Tom has just asked me his 11th question, which is "do you have a tattoo of Liza Minnelli juggling pumpkins on your back?" and I am about to answer no when Tom shushes me.
"Look," he says.
"Where?"
"There," he whispers, and points to the edge of the parking lot.
The rabbit is there.
And he looks mad.
And he brought friends.
-
Soon we are surrounded by angry rabbits. One of them is wet and smells like pee.
The rabbits begin to close in.
Tom panics and grabs the closest item, which just happens to be the box of Orville Redenbacher microwaveable popcorn.
But this is no ordinary box of Orville Redenbacher microwaveable popcorn. It's a MAGIC box of Orville Redenbacher microwaveable popcorn. It is shaking and bouncing in Tom's hand. From the inside, we can see a bright light.
Tom opens it and Orville Redenbacher's comes flying out.
"I have been summoned through the spell of the 20 Questions game," he says. "I am here to do your bidding. What shall I do?"
"Protect us from the rabbits," Tom says.
"Very well," says Orville. He reaches into the box and pulls out a handful of popcorn and waves his hand. The popcorn begins to float in midair. It looked like this:
Orville Redenbacher stuck one piece of popcorn into his mouth.
He chewed the piece of popcorn.
He swallowed the piece of popcorn.
Then popcorn seeds shot out of his mouth like machine gun fire. They blasted into the angry rabbits, killing them or making them run away.
Tom and I looked at Orville and we were very grateful.
"Thank you," Tom said. "May I have a piece of popcorn?"
"You may but I think you will be sad," Orville said. "This is magic popcorn and if you eat just one piece, it will change your gender."
"I don't believe you," I said.
"Then I will demonstrate," said Orville Redenbacher.
He ate a piece of popcorn and turned into Ontario premier, Kathleen Wynne.
-
Full disclosure: I am not the only person to note a resemblance between Kathleen Wynne and the late Mr. Redenbacher.
http://theeco-senior.blogspot.ca/2014/04/orville-redenbacher-had-sister.html
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