June 4: Giraffes vs elephants - which is the better large herbivore?

In weighing this question, we must immediately disqualify one very important factor - namely, that the elephant is the symbol of the American Republican Party. The Republicans are usually right and the Democrats are almost always wrong, so it makes sense that the elephant is the superior beast.



But for the sake of this essay, let us assume that is not the case. We are to weigh the merits of the elephant and the giraffe and decide which one is superior. The only way I know how to do this is to pit them against each other head-to-head.

Here we go:

1. Are you my mom's favourite animal?
Giraffes: Yes.
Elephants: No.
Advantage: Giraffes.

2. Do hunters kill you so they can use part of your body to make billiard balls and piano keys?
Giraffes: No.
Elephants: Yes.
Advantage: Giraffes.

3. Are you stolen out of the wild and forced to perform in circuses?
Giraffes: No.
Elephants: Yes.
Advantage: Giraffes.

4. If there's an apple high up in a tree that you want to eat, can you eat it?
Giraffes: Yes, my neck is really long.
Elephants: No.
Advantage: Giraffes.

5. Have you ever been the main character in a Disney cartoon?
Giraffes: No.
Elephants: Yes.
Advantage: Elephants.

6. Have you ever appeared in a James Bond movie?
Giraffes: No.
Elephants: At least two - Octopussy and, arguably, The Man With the Golden Gun.
Advantage: Elephants

7. Books Shel Silverstein has written about you?
Giraffes: A Giraffe and a Half.
Elephants: N/A
Advantage giraffes



8. We're going on vacation. What do you have to do first?
Giraffe: Massage my neck.
Elephant: Pack my trunk.
Advantage: Elephant.

9. Oh look, a mouse.
Giraffe: Yeah? So?
Elephant: SHRIEK!!!!!!!
Advantage: Giraffe.

10. Number of Prince songs where you're mentioned in the title.
Giraffe: Zero.
Elephants: 2 - Elephants and Flowers and Elephant Box.
Advantage: Elephants

Score: Elephants: 4. Giraffes: 6

And there you have it. The giraffes win.