June 18: Gummy bear apocalypse
I'm not sure what would be worse – sitting through the apocalypse or
sitting through some of the truly horrendous cartoons that haunted
Generation X children on Saturday mornings. I'm not what sure what the
programming directors at the big three networks were smoking back in the
early 80s, but they seemed to have this mindset that anything that was
trendy benefited from – nay demanded - a half-hour cartoon.
Some of these decisions were understandable. Home video games were in their genesis and arcades were still the rage, so it made sense to have cartoons dedicated to Pac Man, Dragon's Lair and a whole bunch of other games like Donkey Kong, Frogger, and Q-bert represented in the all-encompassing Saturday Supercade.
But why, for the life of me, would they make a cartoon about Monchichis, Rubik's Cube, and – God save the Queen – Gummy bears?
Monchichis and Rubik's Cube I can vaguely understand (kind of like the same way I can vaguely understand why some welfare dude would decide to spend all of his money on another tattoo instead of food and rent.) They were popular toys that didn't deserve to be popular, especially the Monchichis.
Here's a simple equation to understand what a Monchichi is.
Stuffed monkey + ability to suck its thumb = Monchichi.
Not a gift to get a 10-year-old boy.
My research tells me that the Monchichi cartoon was created specifically to promote the Monchichi dolls. This is awful crass commercialism and it means that some the poor unsuspecting aspiring Monchichi cartoon teleplay writers were, essentially, writing advertising copy.
Oh oh. It's rectal thermometer day.
-
Things really got bad in the 80s when Disney CEO Michael Eisner's son asked his dad for some gummy bears (I'm guessing daddy could probably afford them.) Dads was so inspired by the candy that he made a whole freakin' Disney cartoon about it.
I think I watched half an episode of Gummi Bears once. I must have been bored or sick or expecting to see Spiderman and instead, I got Gummi Bears. All I remember is that some bad guys were hunting the Gummi Bears (or Gummy bears or gummy bares or crummy bores or however we're spelling it now) and then they drank some GUMMIBERRI JUICE and they just bounced away.
It was like a dream. That's par for the course though. All 80s cartoons followed dream logic to some degree.
-
Confession: I used to work in the bulk foods department at the Real Canadian Superstore in Regina, Saskatchewan. I was working part-time and I kept asking my supervisor, Pat Mohan, if he's let me work three eight-hour shifts over three days instead of like three or four hours everyday. He said he could not accommodate me. I was grumpy. I'd moved to Regina to write a novel, not work at Superstore, and the store's refusal to kowtow to me really pissed me off.
The good thing about working in the bulk foods department was that I got to work without supervision. Most of what I did was refill bins, order more supplies, and clean fruit gunk off the display cases. Superstore shoppers are messy and lazy. When I wasn't looking, they would take dates and prunes and those awful golden raisin things and they would smear them everywhere just to make my life difficult.
A picture of something nobody likes
Once I cut my thumb on something and blood went everywhere. Pat begged me to run to the first aid kit to grab myself a bandage. "Run!" he implored me. "I hate the sight of blood."
All of this is a preface to a bit of trivia about gummy bears.
The bulk foods department at the Real Canadian Superstore carried both Gummy Bears and Fruity Bears. The Fruity Bears were, apparently, made from real fruit juice. The Gummy Bears were, apparently, made from real garbage. Guess which one was more popular.
I will end this note by saying the Regina Real Canadian Superstore's bulk foods department also carried Spice Girls bubble gum. I took a piece once and I opened the pink wrapper and there was a piece of gum and a picture of Baby Spice smiling and hugging a teddy bear and giving a peace sign to the camera.
I put the bubble gum in my mouth and I chewed it. Meanwhile, Michael Eisner polished his solid gold toilet seat while Baby Spice slept on her tour bus, hugging a Monchichi, and earned more money in one week than the bulks food department at the Real Canadian Superstore will generate in a lifetime.
Zigazig ha!
Some of these decisions were understandable. Home video games were in their genesis and arcades were still the rage, so it made sense to have cartoons dedicated to Pac Man, Dragon's Lair and a whole bunch of other games like Donkey Kong, Frogger, and Q-bert represented in the all-encompassing Saturday Supercade.
But why, for the life of me, would they make a cartoon about Monchichis, Rubik's Cube, and – God save the Queen – Gummy bears?
Monchichis and Rubik's Cube I can vaguely understand (kind of like the same way I can vaguely understand why some welfare dude would decide to spend all of his money on another tattoo instead of food and rent.) They were popular toys that didn't deserve to be popular, especially the Monchichis.
Here's a simple equation to understand what a Monchichi is.
Stuffed monkey + ability to suck its thumb = Monchichi.
Not a gift to get a 10-year-old boy.My research tells me that the Monchichi cartoon was created specifically to promote the Monchichi dolls. This is awful crass commercialism and it means that some the poor unsuspecting aspiring Monchichi cartoon teleplay writers were, essentially, writing advertising copy.
Oh oh. It's rectal thermometer day.-
Things really got bad in the 80s when Disney CEO Michael Eisner's son asked his dad for some gummy bears (I'm guessing daddy could probably afford them.) Dads was so inspired by the candy that he made a whole freakin' Disney cartoon about it.
I think I watched half an episode of Gummi Bears once. I must have been bored or sick or expecting to see Spiderman and instead, I got Gummi Bears. All I remember is that some bad guys were hunting the Gummi Bears (or Gummy bears or gummy bares or crummy bores or however we're spelling it now) and then they drank some GUMMIBERRI JUICE and they just bounced away.
It was like a dream. That's par for the course though. All 80s cartoons followed dream logic to some degree.
-
Confession: I used to work in the bulk foods department at the Real Canadian Superstore in Regina, Saskatchewan. I was working part-time and I kept asking my supervisor, Pat Mohan, if he's let me work three eight-hour shifts over three days instead of like three or four hours everyday. He said he could not accommodate me. I was grumpy. I'd moved to Regina to write a novel, not work at Superstore, and the store's refusal to kowtow to me really pissed me off.
The good thing about working in the bulk foods department was that I got to work without supervision. Most of what I did was refill bins, order more supplies, and clean fruit gunk off the display cases. Superstore shoppers are messy and lazy. When I wasn't looking, they would take dates and prunes and those awful golden raisin things and they would smear them everywhere just to make my life difficult.
A picture of something nobody likesOnce I cut my thumb on something and blood went everywhere. Pat begged me to run to the first aid kit to grab myself a bandage. "Run!" he implored me. "I hate the sight of blood."
All of this is a preface to a bit of trivia about gummy bears.
The bulk foods department at the Real Canadian Superstore carried both Gummy Bears and Fruity Bears. The Fruity Bears were, apparently, made from real fruit juice. The Gummy Bears were, apparently, made from real garbage. Guess which one was more popular.
I will end this note by saying the Regina Real Canadian Superstore's bulk foods department also carried Spice Girls bubble gum. I took a piece once and I opened the pink wrapper and there was a piece of gum and a picture of Baby Spice smiling and hugging a teddy bear and giving a peace sign to the camera.
I put the bubble gum in my mouth and I chewed it. Meanwhile, Michael Eisner polished his solid gold toilet seat while Baby Spice slept on her tour bus, hugging a Monchichi, and earned more money in one week than the bulks food department at the Real Canadian Superstore will generate in a lifetime.
Zigazig ha!
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