March 3: Frozen Fingers
I don't wear gloves.
And I really should. I'm a magician after all and I need to protect my hands. I read that cold weather can cause arthritis and that's something I want about as bad as Malibu Barbie (a Malibu Barbie doll, I mean. Having a real life Malibu Barbie would be kind of cool. Actually it wouldn't because my mom's name is Barb. I could never date a woman who has the same name as my mom. That's creepy.)
But anyway, yeah. Cold weather is bad for my fingers. But I go out all the time sans hat and sans gloves. I have gloves. I own three pairs, in fact. I should wear them. My grandmother had arthritis. My brother has it. I don't want it. If I had arthritis and God told me I could exchange it for Wandering Nipple Syndrome, I'd take the latter. That means a boob might scamper across my forehead sometime when I'm talking to you, but don't worry. It's small. I'm a dude.
-
I actually have a magician friend in Calgary who developed arthritis and had to change his whole act. He could no longer do this really cool gambling trick where everyone gets dealt four of a kind and then he deals himself a royal flush. Now he had to content himself with doing mindreading tricks.
-
I want to take time out to acknowledge my new friend, Janine G, who is the very first person to send a note title to the email address above, which is rotatingpineapple@hotmail.com. She suggested Frozen Fingers and she probably lives in our nation's capital, where it is very cold.
-
How cold is it?
Well, the other day, I decided to go to a nudist colony.
I had to shed my clothes.
And it was cold.
How cold?
Well, the person at the front desk said: "Is this your first time at a nudist colony, ma'am?"
That's how cold it was.
-
That is one of my favourite jokes.
-
A long time ago, I had a friend named Jeff, who used to make a living selling hot dogs on Electric Avenue, which was a one-block strip of nightclubs in Calgary's downtown core. He was out there every weekend, even if it was minus 30 out (hot twentysomething girlies were also out in the minus 30 weather, wearing miniskirts. I kid you not.)
Jeff always bundled up. Told me he had three socks on his feet inside his winter boots, two pairs of long underwear, a sweater, and a balaclava. He wore gloves too. I asked him why he needed the gloves since he could just warm himself from the steam generated by the hot dog steamer.
That was a stupid question.
"What is steam?" he asked.
"Water," I said.
"And what does water do when it gets cold?"
"It freezes."
So yeah, I felt like a dummy.
-
Jeff told me that the worst thing about his job was cleaning the hot dog cart at the end of the night.
He had to haul it to the company headquarters and pour out all the wiener water (I can't type that without giggling) and then scrub the cart so it was spic and span. He had to do this at 3:30 a.m., when most of the world is still snoring away and dreaming of race cars and plum pudding.
-
I do not know where Jeff is anymore. Last time I saw him was in 2001 at the Amanda Marshall concert at the University of Calgary. He said he was helping set up the sound system. I asked him if I could meet Amanda Marshall and he said he'd see what he could do.
I never got to meet Amanda Marshall.
-
Amanda Marshall is bad.
Here is why she is bad: She has a smoking hot alto singing voice, she's got amazing pipes, this totally awesome mane of long curly blonde hair, she's Canadian, and she's shorter than me.
And she hasn't released a new studio in album in more than a decade.
I have no idea what Amanda Marshall does for a living. I am desperate for this information because I don't want her to be working at a dry cleaners or at Kentucky Fried Chicken. She should be famouser than Celine Dion. When people think diva, they should immediately think of Amanda Marshall, not Beyonce Knowles.
Amanda Marshall is the best singer in the world.
By not doing concerts, she is depriving the world of her gift.
-
I wonder if Janine G is a fan of Amanda Marshall.
-
I wonder if Janine G is wondering how exactly Frozen Fingers morphed itself into a screed about Amanda Marshall.
-
I wonder if Amanda Marshall ever gets frozen fingers when she's singing onstage. Once she sang at the Calgary Stampede and it started to rain and her fingers probably got wet but they didn't freeze.
That was a great concert, by the way, for many reasons.
-
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! Amanda Marshall is my celebrity crush.
-
I own lots of gloves. There are actually two pairs of gloves in my car, which I won't put on because they're cold and I am too much of a wuss to wait the 30 seconds for my body heat to warm them up. I suppose I could actually take the gloves into my apartment but that would, you know, require effort.
I will probably freeze my ears and fingers for the remainder of the winter and then my bones will be like chalk when I am 80 and I will be cranky about it and I will complain to people while I sip Ovaltine and watch Amanda Marshall sing the national anthem from her wheelchair at a hockey game between the Albuquerque Battleships (formerly the Calgary Flames) and Tallahassee Tigers (formerly the Winnipeg Jets.)
And my fingers will still be cold, even though I'm drinking warm Ovaltine.
-
Ovaltine may be the best drink ever. I know I spend a lot of time talking about Dr. Pepper but that's because you can go into a store anywhere and buy a can of Dr. Pepper. You can't do that with Ovaltine. Ovaltine requires effort to make. (Ovaltine also describes my best friend when he was in high school.)
The worst thing about Ovaltine is when you heat up the milk and then you get this little piece of milk skin that floats on the top. I drank it by accident once when I was seven and I have never gotten over it. The piece of milk skin plastered itself to my uvula and made me feel really yucky.
Amanda Marshall's uvula probably does calisthenics when she is singing.
-
I think the best thing that could possibly happen would be for me and Amanda Marshall to go to a coffee shop in Ottawa and order two big steaming mugs of Ovaltine. I will ask her why she never sings The Gypsy in concert and she will probably tell me that there's no real reason except the fans don't respond to it and it's a difficult song to do live.
Then I will ask her if she will give me a title for note-a-day.
And she would.
And then she would hold up her fingers and smile.
"Not frozen anymore," she'd say.
Then I would say "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
And she would sing this:
We've done our cold time, you and I
Fought off the raging of this northern sky
And heaven knows I wanna compare the ocean to your eyes
Baby, let's fly
Doin' hard time, day to day
Huddled beneath this winter sun all frozen grey
You lose your freedom while you watch the season slip away
But not today
-
Now that is so appropriate. I looked up an Amanda Marshall song at random and that's the one that came up. By the way, the song is called LET'S GET LOST. She recorded it when she was 22.
I think I'll get lost now.
My fingers are warm.
And I really should. I'm a magician after all and I need to protect my hands. I read that cold weather can cause arthritis and that's something I want about as bad as Malibu Barbie (a Malibu Barbie doll, I mean. Having a real life Malibu Barbie would be kind of cool. Actually it wouldn't because my mom's name is Barb. I could never date a woman who has the same name as my mom. That's creepy.)
But anyway, yeah. Cold weather is bad for my fingers. But I go out all the time sans hat and sans gloves. I have gloves. I own three pairs, in fact. I should wear them. My grandmother had arthritis. My brother has it. I don't want it. If I had arthritis and God told me I could exchange it for Wandering Nipple Syndrome, I'd take the latter. That means a boob might scamper across my forehead sometime when I'm talking to you, but don't worry. It's small. I'm a dude.
Stranded in Shteevie's car
-
I actually have a magician friend in Calgary who developed arthritis and had to change his whole act. He could no longer do this really cool gambling trick where everyone gets dealt four of a kind and then he deals himself a royal flush. Now he had to content himself with doing mindreading tricks.
-
I want to take time out to acknowledge my new friend, Janine G, who is the very first person to send a note title to the email address above, which is rotatingpineapple@hotmail.com. She suggested Frozen Fingers and she probably lives in our nation's capital, where it is very cold.
-
How cold is it?
Well, the other day, I decided to go to a nudist colony.
I had to shed my clothes.
And it was cold.
How cold?
Well, the person at the front desk said: "Is this your first time at a nudist colony, ma'am?"
That's how cold it was.
-
That is one of my favourite jokes.
-
A long time ago, I had a friend named Jeff, who used to make a living selling hot dogs on Electric Avenue, which was a one-block strip of nightclubs in Calgary's downtown core. He was out there every weekend, even if it was minus 30 out (hot twentysomething girlies were also out in the minus 30 weather, wearing miniskirts. I kid you not.)
Jeff always bundled up. Told me he had three socks on his feet inside his winter boots, two pairs of long underwear, a sweater, and a balaclava. He wore gloves too. I asked him why he needed the gloves since he could just warm himself from the steam generated by the hot dog steamer.
That was a stupid question.
"What is steam?" he asked.
"Water," I said.
"And what does water do when it gets cold?"
"It freezes."
So yeah, I felt like a dummy.
-
Jeff told me that the worst thing about his job was cleaning the hot dog cart at the end of the night.
He had to haul it to the company headquarters and pour out all the wiener water (I can't type that without giggling) and then scrub the cart so it was spic and span. He had to do this at 3:30 a.m., when most of the world is still snoring away and dreaming of race cars and plum pudding.
Where Jeff worked
-
I do not know where Jeff is anymore. Last time I saw him was in 2001 at the Amanda Marshall concert at the University of Calgary. He said he was helping set up the sound system. I asked him if I could meet Amanda Marshall and he said he'd see what he could do.
I never got to meet Amanda Marshall.
-
Amanda Marshall is bad.
Here is why she is bad: She has a smoking hot alto singing voice, she's got amazing pipes, this totally awesome mane of long curly blonde hair, she's Canadian, and she's shorter than me.
And she hasn't released a new studio in album in more than a decade.
I have no idea what Amanda Marshall does for a living. I am desperate for this information because I don't want her to be working at a dry cleaners or at Kentucky Fried Chicken. She should be famouser than Celine Dion. When people think diva, they should immediately think of Amanda Marshall, not Beyonce Knowles.
Amanda Marshall is the best singer in the world.
By not doing concerts, she is depriving the world of her gift.
Give it up, Shteevie. I've cut my hair.
-
I wonder if Janine G is a fan of Amanda Marshall.
-
I wonder if Janine G is wondering how exactly Frozen Fingers morphed itself into a screed about Amanda Marshall.
-
I wonder if Amanda Marshall ever gets frozen fingers when she's singing onstage. Once she sang at the Calgary Stampede and it started to rain and her fingers probably got wet but they didn't freeze.
That was a great concert, by the way, for many reasons.
-
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! Amanda Marshall is my celebrity crush.
-
I own lots of gloves. There are actually two pairs of gloves in my car, which I won't put on because they're cold and I am too much of a wuss to wait the 30 seconds for my body heat to warm them up. I suppose I could actually take the gloves into my apartment but that would, you know, require effort.
I will probably freeze my ears and fingers for the remainder of the winter and then my bones will be like chalk when I am 80 and I will be cranky about it and I will complain to people while I sip Ovaltine and watch Amanda Marshall sing the national anthem from her wheelchair at a hockey game between the Albuquerque Battleships (formerly the Calgary Flames) and Tallahassee Tigers (formerly the Winnipeg Jets.)
And my fingers will still be cold, even though I'm drinking warm Ovaltine.
I could kick Dr. Pepper's ass
-
Ovaltine may be the best drink ever. I know I spend a lot of time talking about Dr. Pepper but that's because you can go into a store anywhere and buy a can of Dr. Pepper. You can't do that with Ovaltine. Ovaltine requires effort to make. (Ovaltine also describes my best friend when he was in high school.)
The worst thing about Ovaltine is when you heat up the milk and then you get this little piece of milk skin that floats on the top. I drank it by accident once when I was seven and I have never gotten over it. The piece of milk skin plastered itself to my uvula and made me feel really yucky.
Amanda Marshall's uvula probably does calisthenics when she is singing.
Can't see her uvula. It's moving too fast.
-
I think the best thing that could possibly happen would be for me and Amanda Marshall to go to a coffee shop in Ottawa and order two big steaming mugs of Ovaltine. I will ask her why she never sings The Gypsy in concert and she will probably tell me that there's no real reason except the fans don't respond to it and it's a difficult song to do live.
Then I will ask her if she will give me a title for note-a-day.
And she would.
And then she would hold up her fingers and smile.
"Not frozen anymore," she'd say.
Then I would say "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
And she would sing this:
We've done our cold time, you and I
Fought off the raging of this northern sky
And heaven knows I wanna compare the ocean to your eyes
Baby, let's fly
Doin' hard time, day to day
Huddled beneath this winter sun all frozen grey
You lose your freedom while you watch the season slip away
But not today
-
Now that is so appropriate. I looked up an Amanda Marshall song at random and that's the one that came up. By the way, the song is called LET'S GET LOST. She recorded it when she was 22.
I think I'll get lost now.
My fingers are warm.
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