March 24: Cassandra
I don't understand why anyone would want to name their daughter
Cassandra. This is because the mythical Cassandra was not a happy
person. She was beautiful, yes, but she was also insane.
I used to date a girl like that.
-
According to Greek mythology, the god Apollo blessed Cassandra with the gift of prophecy but he also cursed her so that no one would believe her. Apollo was a pretty stupid god.
I mean... what would be the point? What good is a prophet if there is no one to hear his or her words? Is a prophet's life lived in vain if no one, not even one person, heeds what he has to say?
According to the Bible, Noah preached for hundreds of years and no one listened. And then it started to rain.
-
I don't know any real life Cassandras. The only Cassandra I've ever heard of is Cassandra Peterson, who played Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. Here is a picture of her:
I do, however, know a few real life Sandras. There's Sandra Simpson, who runs a catering business and who has a daughter who is a really good singer. There's Sandra Fuhrmann who has blonde hair and a daughter named Sierra and who cheers for the Vancouver Canucks and who once ate McDonalds with me when I visited Grand Prairie to go white water rafting. There's my aunt Sandra who used to own some Curves franchises in British Columbia. There's Sandra Rutenberg, who lives near the town where I live and who likes my writing and makes nice buttermilk biscuits. There's Sandra Ospina, who was in my Grade 6 class for about three months and then she went to a different school than I did and, from what I hear, blossomed into quite the babe in junior high, but these are other stories.
The point I am trying to make is that none of the Sandras I know are insane. The closest they come to insanity is cheering for the Vancouver Canucks.
-
Back to the business with Apollo and Cassandra.
Here is a rough chronology of how things went:
1. Apollo blesses Cassandra with the gift of prophecy.
2. Apollo tries to seduce Cassandra.
3. Cassandra refuses Apollo's advance.
4. Apollo curses Cassandra so that everyone will think she's insane.
The moral of this story is that Apollo is a dick.
-
If Apollo is a god, I don't understand why he wouldn't use his magic god powers to make Cassandra dig him. Maybe Apollo could have got some help from Aphrodite, the goddess of beauty and love. Mind you, she was a nasty piece of work too. Once there was this lady named Medusa who was actually prettier than Aphrodite. Afro was so pissed that she used her magic god powers to make Medusa look like this:
Medusa was so ugly that every living being that looked on her would be turned into stone. Stone statues aren't good for anything except for functioning as de facto bird toilets or playing hockey for the Vancouver Canucks.
But Medusa's life was not lived in vain. See, there was this giant sea monster called Cetus that was plaguing a city called Andromeda. So a hero named Perseus set out to cut Medusa's head off and after he did that he showed Medusa's head to Cetus and he turned into stone and then he threw Medusa's head into the ocean and I often wondered what would happen to someone if they were swimming in the ocean and they picked up Medusa's decomposing head. Would its turn you to stone powers still work or would they fade after 10,000 years? Enquiring minds want to know.
-
The whole point of this note is that it is cruel to name a kid Cassandra because you're basically telling them that you will never believe them, even if they are telling the truth.
I used to date a girl like that.
-
According to Greek mythology, the god Apollo blessed Cassandra with the gift of prophecy but he also cursed her so that no one would believe her. Apollo was a pretty stupid god.
I mean... what would be the point? What good is a prophet if there is no one to hear his or her words? Is a prophet's life lived in vain if no one, not even one person, heeds what he has to say?
According to the Bible, Noah preached for hundreds of years and no one listened. And then it started to rain.
-
I don't know any real life Cassandras. The only Cassandra I've ever heard of is Cassandra Peterson, who played Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. Here is a picture of her:
Note guys: She has eyeballs.
I do, however, know a few real life Sandras. There's Sandra Simpson, who runs a catering business and who has a daughter who is a really good singer. There's Sandra Fuhrmann who has blonde hair and a daughter named Sierra and who cheers for the Vancouver Canucks and who once ate McDonalds with me when I visited Grand Prairie to go white water rafting. There's my aunt Sandra who used to own some Curves franchises in British Columbia. There's Sandra Rutenberg, who lives near the town where I live and who likes my writing and makes nice buttermilk biscuits. There's Sandra Ospina, who was in my Grade 6 class for about three months and then she went to a different school than I did and, from what I hear, blossomed into quite the babe in junior high, but these are other stories.
The point I am trying to make is that none of the Sandras I know are insane. The closest they come to insanity is cheering for the Vancouver Canucks.
Daniel: How can we win the Stanley Cup? Henrik: First, demand a trade.
-
Back to the business with Apollo and Cassandra.
Here is a rough chronology of how things went:
1. Apollo blesses Cassandra with the gift of prophecy.
2. Apollo tries to seduce Cassandra.
3. Cassandra refuses Apollo's advance.
4. Apollo curses Cassandra so that everyone will think she's insane.
The moral of this story is that Apollo is a dick.
-
If Apollo is a god, I don't understand why he wouldn't use his magic god powers to make Cassandra dig him. Maybe Apollo could have got some help from Aphrodite, the goddess of beauty and love. Mind you, she was a nasty piece of work too. Once there was this lady named Medusa who was actually prettier than Aphrodite. Afro was so pissed that she used her magic god powers to make Medusa look like this:
Medusa was so ugly that every living being that looked on her would be turned into stone. Stone statues aren't good for anything except for functioning as de facto bird toilets or playing hockey for the Vancouver Canucks.
But Medusa's life was not lived in vain. See, there was this giant sea monster called Cetus that was plaguing a city called Andromeda. So a hero named Perseus set out to cut Medusa's head off and after he did that he showed Medusa's head to Cetus and he turned into stone and then he threw Medusa's head into the ocean and I often wondered what would happen to someone if they were swimming in the ocean and they picked up Medusa's decomposing head. Would its turn you to stone powers still work or would they fade after 10,000 years? Enquiring minds want to know.
-
The whole point of this note is that it is cruel to name a kid Cassandra because you're basically telling them that you will never believe them, even if they are telling the truth.
Comments
Post a Comment