March 23: Smelly feet
This one summer day when I was walking down Main Street, I became
aware that my feet smelled really bad. I was wearing sandals. The
sandals were made of leather. My sweat had permeated the leather and
made them stink really bad.
I went back to the office and everyone started holding their nose. They told me to go home and wash my feet. I did that. Then my feet started to smell nice.
As I washed my feet, I realized that they were far from being the stinkiest feet I'd ever smelled. So right there in the bathroom, I assembled a top ten list of nasty feet sniffed by me. I will share it with you because I am nice.
10. This guy on the bus. I was in Grade 8 and I was riding the bus downtown to the Society of Young Magicians meeting and this homeless guy got on the bus and he wasn't wearing any shoes. His feet were black with dirt and there was green gunk growing between his toes. His feet smelled like day-old ginger beef and fart. Everyone got off the bus immediately, including the driver. There was a story about it on the news the next day.
9. My Grade 4 teacher, Monsieu Poilievere. We were at Dinosaur Park doing a camping trip and we'd gone hiking and we saw snakes and a cactus and a hole that someone said had no bottom (but they were lying) and a recently married couple with a German Shepherd. The hike lasted like two hours. When we got back, Monsieu Polievere (whose head looked like a light bulb) said he was going to take off his shoes. This was a mistake.
8. My best friend, Jason, who had the biggest feet I'd ever seen. When his feet sweated (usually after playing music at one of his gigs) they smelled like the bathroom after five sumo wrestlers had used it. And they'd been eating Taco Bell.
7. Gladys Knight. Her feet sweat something awful when she's onstage. They smell like raisins and Amsterdam and the stuff you can scrape off your skin when you're in the bathtub.
6. This guy my mom used to work with. Apparently the whole company was at this retreat in Edmonton once and this guy sat down on the couch and took off his shoes and within minutes, people told him to put his shoes on again. That is all I know.
5. Matt Sanderson. He was a magician a long time ago in Calgary. He was at a magicians' party once and he took off his shoes and the raw funk that emanated from his feet was enough to make everyone hurl. Seriously, it smelled like he'd just run barefoot through a field of moldy cheese. I think we kicked him out.
4. This fat guy with really thick eyebrows who used to work at the Kentucky Fried Chicken near my parents home in Braeside. When I was 22 or so, I decided to walk up to the KFC to get myself a spicy big crunch. The fat guy was sitting next to the dumpster behind the restaurant and he was smoking a cigarette. He's taken his shoes off and his socks were crusty and there were orange things growing on them. It smelled like he'd actually dipped his feet in the dumpster. I did not eat at KFC that day.
3. A guy named Wolfgang. I don't know what his last name was. Just that his first name was Wolfgang. It wasn't just his feet that smelled bad. His whole body smelled bad. I worked with him for one day. We were selling ride coupons in a booth at the Calgary Stampede. Wolfgang ate ketchup, baloney, peanut butter and banana sandwiches. He smelled like he rubbed them on his body and never bathed. He had bad teeth and lots of pimples and he kept farting and saying "Whoa, get a load of that beaut." He claimed he was a spy for the Canadian government and that he was a black belt in three Martial Arts and that he knew 67 single strike kills and 126 double strike kills. "So don't piss me off," he said. He told me he could seduce any woman in the world but he only had eyes for one - a girl named Suzy who worked at the Bay in Vancouver. He showed me a picture of Suzy. I did not find Suzy attractive. Wolfgang wasn't wearing shoes in the booth. He told me his feet were hot. They were stinky too. I think he lived in his mom's basement and could tell me everything I'd ever want to know about Star Trek.
2. The Pilsbury Dough Boy. Yeah he looks all cute and cuddly but when he takes his shoes off, watch out. His feet don't smell like freshly cooked bread. They smell like dill pickles and barf and dead chickens floating in a septic tank outside a Chinese restaurant.
1. My high school girlfriend. We were coming back from the Stampders-Blue Bombers game and my high school girlfriend asked me if I would stop at the 7-Eleven to get her some Easter Creme Eggs. I did this because I was a good boyfriend. I parked and she started eating raspberry yogurt and when she was done, she threw the containers in the back seat of my car. This annoyed me and I told her I didn't want to be smelling raspberry yogurt while we were parked at Heritage Park (where we went almost every night to discuss early Swedish literature.) She told me that she had to eat lots of yogurt or her athlete's foot would flare up again. To prove this, she took off her shows. You know how the bathroom smells after your dad uses it? Like the air in there is green. Seriously, it was that bad.
I went back to the office and everyone started holding their nose. They told me to go home and wash my feet. I did that. Then my feet started to smell nice.
As I washed my feet, I realized that they were far from being the stinkiest feet I'd ever smelled. So right there in the bathroom, I assembled a top ten list of nasty feet sniffed by me. I will share it with you because I am nice.
10. This guy on the bus. I was in Grade 8 and I was riding the bus downtown to the Society of Young Magicians meeting and this homeless guy got on the bus and he wasn't wearing any shoes. His feet were black with dirt and there was green gunk growing between his toes. His feet smelled like day-old ginger beef and fart. Everyone got off the bus immediately, including the driver. There was a story about it on the news the next day.
9. My Grade 4 teacher, Monsieu Poilievere. We were at Dinosaur Park doing a camping trip and we'd gone hiking and we saw snakes and a cactus and a hole that someone said had no bottom (but they were lying) and a recently married couple with a German Shepherd. The hike lasted like two hours. When we got back, Monsieu Polievere (whose head looked like a light bulb) said he was going to take off his shoes. This was a mistake.
8. My best friend, Jason, who had the biggest feet I'd ever seen. When his feet sweated (usually after playing music at one of his gigs) they smelled like the bathroom after five sumo wrestlers had used it. And they'd been eating Taco Bell.
7. Gladys Knight. Her feet sweat something awful when she's onstage. They smell like raisins and Amsterdam and the stuff you can scrape off your skin when you're in the bathtub.
My feet stink. All the Pips agree.
6. This guy my mom used to work with. Apparently the whole company was at this retreat in Edmonton once and this guy sat down on the couch and took off his shoes and within minutes, people told him to put his shoes on again. That is all I know.
5. Matt Sanderson. He was a magician a long time ago in Calgary. He was at a magicians' party once and he took off his shoes and the raw funk that emanated from his feet was enough to make everyone hurl. Seriously, it smelled like he'd just run barefoot through a field of moldy cheese. I think we kicked him out.
4. This fat guy with really thick eyebrows who used to work at the Kentucky Fried Chicken near my parents home in Braeside. When I was 22 or so, I decided to walk up to the KFC to get myself a spicy big crunch. The fat guy was sitting next to the dumpster behind the restaurant and he was smoking a cigarette. He's taken his shoes off and his socks were crusty and there were orange things growing on them. It smelled like he'd actually dipped his feet in the dumpster. I did not eat at KFC that day.
3. A guy named Wolfgang. I don't know what his last name was. Just that his first name was Wolfgang. It wasn't just his feet that smelled bad. His whole body smelled bad. I worked with him for one day. We were selling ride coupons in a booth at the Calgary Stampede. Wolfgang ate ketchup, baloney, peanut butter and banana sandwiches. He smelled like he rubbed them on his body and never bathed. He had bad teeth and lots of pimples and he kept farting and saying "Whoa, get a load of that beaut." He claimed he was a spy for the Canadian government and that he was a black belt in three Martial Arts and that he knew 67 single strike kills and 126 double strike kills. "So don't piss me off," he said. He told me he could seduce any woman in the world but he only had eyes for one - a girl named Suzy who worked at the Bay in Vancouver. He showed me a picture of Suzy. I did not find Suzy attractive. Wolfgang wasn't wearing shoes in the booth. He told me his feet were hot. They were stinky too. I think he lived in his mom's basement and could tell me everything I'd ever want to know about Star Trek.
2. The Pilsbury Dough Boy. Yeah he looks all cute and cuddly but when he takes his shoes off, watch out. His feet don't smell like freshly cooked bread. They smell like dill pickles and barf and dead chickens floating in a septic tank outside a Chinese restaurant.
1. My high school girlfriend. We were coming back from the Stampders-Blue Bombers game and my high school girlfriend asked me if I would stop at the 7-Eleven to get her some Easter Creme Eggs. I did this because I was a good boyfriend. I parked and she started eating raspberry yogurt and when she was done, she threw the containers in the back seat of my car. This annoyed me and I told her I didn't want to be smelling raspberry yogurt while we were parked at Heritage Park (where we went almost every night to discuss early Swedish literature.) She told me that she had to eat lots of yogurt or her athlete's foot would flare up again. To prove this, she took off her shows. You know how the bathroom smells after your dad uses it? Like the air in there is green. Seriously, it was that bad.
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