March 27: Winnipeg
I have been to Winnipeg only twice - both times in the 1990s. The
first time I went there to write a novel. This was a stupid thing to do
since it was a colossal waste of money and the novel sucked. The second
time was to participate in the Winnipeg Fringe festival in 1997. That
time was more fun so my memories of Winnipeg will focus on that.
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When we drove into Manitoba, we saw giant ping pong balls on the side of the road. These were actually Orbits, which were giant garbage cans. The idea was to entice motorists to throw their garbage in them instead of tossing it out the window.
I was charmed at the prospect of Orbit and I made a point of driving up to it so I could toss in an empty Dr. Pepper can.
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I was happy, nay ecstatic, when the news broke that Winnipeg would regain its NHL team. Though I am a fan of the Calgary Flames, I've always had a soft spot for the Winnipeg Jets and they are now my second favourite team. Winnipeg doesn't have much going for it except for Louis Riel, Winnie the Pooh, Colin James, and the Winnipeg Blue Bombers, who have a better chance of winning an Academy Award next year than the Grey Cup.
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It was Lester, Kathy, Dean and me who went to Winnipeg in 1997. I had written the script and had insisted on acting the lead role. Saved money, I argued, but the real reason I insisted was I was a pretentious twit.
Dean and Lester and I were billeted with lesbians. One of them was a stereotype lesbian - big and stocky and short-haired and fond of plaid shirts. Her roommate/girlfriend had long red hair and read science fiction and played the harp. They had four cats and one of them only had one eye. This prompted me to make up a joke: What has seven eyes and 16 legs? The lesbians' cats.
The lesbians said they were coming to see our play one night. I was a little nervous. In the past, critics of my work had charged me with homophobia and I was a little worried that the lesbians would find the play offensive and would cast us out in the middle of the night onto the untamed streets of suburban Winnipeg.
This did not happen.
The short-haired lesbian - who happened to work at the Manitoba Action Commitee on the Status of Women (or something like that) - told me that she loved the play and enjoyed it much more than the work her (gay) friends churned out. "Honest to God, if I have to watch another coming out play or another 'see how fabulous I am' piece of performance art, I'm going to claw my eyes out."
And the conversation went on. We talked about the dangers of writers harvesting agendas - be they religious, political, or social - because there is great temptation to let the message trump the story.
That night, the one-eyed cat attacked my toes.
-
Dean, the other actor, is Metis. I took him to Louis Riel's grave in St. Boniface. Dean was silent. He stood in front of the monument. Then he touched it. He said nothing. Then we left. I never asked him how he felt about it.
-
No offense but Winnipeg has the worst zoo ever. I went there and they had cockroaches as an exhibit. But there was a peacock that followed me around for a while and that was pretty cool.
-
During the Fringe, KK took me to the Half Moon drive-in in nearby Lockport. We had hot dogs, which were really good, and KK told us a story about how she went jet skiing as a teenager.
-
I am happy that the Jets returned to Winnipeg.
Next I want the Phoenix Coyotes to become the Quebec Nordiques.
I also want to see NHL teams in Saskatchewan, Hamilton, and the Maritimes. The Florida Panthers, Carolina Hurricanes and at least one of the teams from California can all relocate. They can do it tomorrow. That would be great.
-
It sucks to live in Winnipeg in the winter.
-
When we drove into Manitoba, we saw giant ping pong balls on the side of the road. These were actually Orbits, which were giant garbage cans. The idea was to entice motorists to throw their garbage in them instead of tossing it out the window.
I was charmed at the prospect of Orbit and I made a point of driving up to it so I could toss in an empty Dr. Pepper can.
-
I was happy, nay ecstatic, when the news broke that Winnipeg would regain its NHL team. Though I am a fan of the Calgary Flames, I've always had a soft spot for the Winnipeg Jets and they are now my second favourite team. Winnipeg doesn't have much going for it except for Louis Riel, Winnie the Pooh, Colin James, and the Winnipeg Blue Bombers, who have a better chance of winning an Academy Award next year than the Grey Cup.
You mean we're not playing volleyball? So that's what we were doing wrong.
-
It was Lester, Kathy, Dean and me who went to Winnipeg in 1997. I had written the script and had insisted on acting the lead role. Saved money, I argued, but the real reason I insisted was I was a pretentious twit.
Dean and Lester and I were billeted with lesbians. One of them was a stereotype lesbian - big and stocky and short-haired and fond of plaid shirts. Her roommate/girlfriend had long red hair and read science fiction and played the harp. They had four cats and one of them only had one eye. This prompted me to make up a joke: What has seven eyes and 16 legs? The lesbians' cats.
The lesbians said they were coming to see our play one night. I was a little nervous. In the past, critics of my work had charged me with homophobia and I was a little worried that the lesbians would find the play offensive and would cast us out in the middle of the night onto the untamed streets of suburban Winnipeg.
This did not happen.
The short-haired lesbian - who happened to work at the Manitoba Action Commitee on the Status of Women (or something like that) - told me that she loved the play and enjoyed it much more than the work her (gay) friends churned out. "Honest to God, if I have to watch another coming out play or another 'see how fabulous I am' piece of performance art, I'm going to claw my eyes out."
And the conversation went on. We talked about the dangers of writers harvesting agendas - be they religious, political, or social - because there is great temptation to let the message trump the story.
That night, the one-eyed cat attacked my toes.
-
Dean, the other actor, is Metis. I took him to Louis Riel's grave in St. Boniface. Dean was silent. He stood in front of the monument. Then he touched it. He said nothing. Then we left. I never asked him how he felt about it.
-
No offense but Winnipeg has the worst zoo ever. I went there and they had cockroaches as an exhibit. But there was a peacock that followed me around for a while and that was pretty cool.
-
During the Fringe, KK took me to the Half Moon drive-in in nearby Lockport. We had hot dogs, which were really good, and KK told us a story about how she went jet skiing as a teenager.
-
I am happy that the Jets returned to Winnipeg.
Next I want the Phoenix Coyotes to become the Quebec Nordiques.
I also want to see NHL teams in Saskatchewan, Hamilton, and the Maritimes. The Florida Panthers, Carolina Hurricanes and at least one of the teams from California can all relocate. They can do it tomorrow. That would be great.
-
It sucks to live in Winnipeg in the winter.
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