March 19: Top ten hidden opportunities on an airplane
I do not fly often. This is because I cannot afford it. Flying is
fun. If you fly alone, you will probably be seated next to a complete
stranger. This person can soon become your friend, but only if you are
nice to them. If it is a woman, compliment her shoes. If it is a man,
talk to him about sports. Voila. Instant friend.
Once I sat next to a judge. This was while flying from Calgary to Ottawa. The judge told me that her daughter suffered from bipolar disorder and refused to get any help for it. At the time of this telling, the daughter was in Las Vegas, where she'd gone on a whim and gambled away all the money in her savings account. She was currently stuck down there with no way to get home.
But now I will spring into the top ten hidden opportunities on an airplane
10. Remember that most flight attendants are women and lots of them are French-Canadian and they all wear flight attendant uniforms, which are the sexiest things a woman can wear (next to a Wonder Woman costume.) Be sure to be nice to your flight attendants and to tell them that they are nice.
9. Buy roses for your flight attendants. I always do this. The primary job of the flight attendant is to make sure you don't die if the plane is in trouble. Serving you ginger ale and sandwiches and selling you $5 headphones is a close second. Flight attendants are always happy when you get them roses. Here is photographic evidence:
8. As I said, talk to people. Sometimes they won't talk to you and this is fine. They might have had a long day or they are tired or they have an itchy bum. But mostly people will want to talk to you. Do not ask them if they'd like to smell your armpit. This is bad. But if you are eating cherry Twizzlers, offer them some. Twizzlers are meant to be shared, especially the red ones.
7. Always bring a deck of cards and sponge bunnies on an airplane because you never know when you'll encounter bored people who want to see magic tricks (disregard this if you don't do magic.)
6. When you are flying somewhere, try to fly Westjet. It is a Calgary-based company and we should always support anything that comes out of Calgary because it's the best city in the whole wide world (except in Winter when it gets really cold.)
5. Go skydiving. It's fun.
4. You're not allowed to visit the pilot and first officer in the cockpit anymore (they are now called flight decks because 'cockpit' makes 12-year-olds giggle.) This is because of what evil bad terrorists did on 9/11. When I was a kid, I got to go to the cockpit. The pilot had gray hair. He asked my name. I told him. He gave me a toy airplane. I looked out the window. There was nothing but sky and clouds. The first officer was eating a piece of celery. Next to him were a bunch of switches and lights. The lights were orange.
3. See if there's anyone you know on the plane. If so, you can have fun with them. Once I was sitting across the aisle from an actress I did a play with a long time ago. She did not recognize me. I engaged her in conversation and she asked me what I did and I told her I was a psychic. She didn't believe me so I offered to prove it. I took her hand and I went into a trance and I told her that she studied theatre at the University of Calgary and that she was a professional actress and that she had played Lady MacBeth at Shakespeare in the Park in Calgary. She got really freaked out and then I told her who I was and she was annoyed but also relieved. Then she asked who the roses were for and I said they were for the flight attendants and she asked why I was buying roses for the flight attendants and I said it's because flight attendants put up with a lot of crap from rude customers and I wanted to show them that I appreciate them. Then the actress smiled and she told me I was sweet and then the girl behind her asked me if I was single because she would love to set me up with her sister and I had to tell her that I was not single and now I know when this story took place. It was 2000.
2. If you are feeling anti-social or you have an upset tummy, do nothing but watch movies. If you really want the time to go fast, download a hidden object game on your computer (I recommend the ones from Big Fish.) Chances are the plane will be landing right as you finish.
1. See if anyone on the plane is on their way to a fundraiser. If they are, ask the flight attendant to give you a microphone so you can tell the people on board that you are doing an impromptu cash drive. (This usually only works on Westjet.) Be sure to have oodles of charisma if you're going to attempt this (if you don't, just be moderately drunk. No scratch that. Alcohol is bad.) Then you'll be able to give the person a handful of money for their charity and then everyone will be happy and they will look like this:
Once I sat next to a judge. This was while flying from Calgary to Ottawa. The judge told me that her daughter suffered from bipolar disorder and refused to get any help for it. At the time of this telling, the daughter was in Las Vegas, where she'd gone on a whim and gambled away all the money in her savings account. She was currently stuck down there with no way to get home.
But now I will spring into the top ten hidden opportunities on an airplane
10. Remember that most flight attendants are women and lots of them are French-Canadian and they all wear flight attendant uniforms, which are the sexiest things a woman can wear (next to a Wonder Woman costume.) Be sure to be nice to your flight attendants and to tell them that they are nice.
9. Buy roses for your flight attendants. I always do this. The primary job of the flight attendant is to make sure you don't die if the plane is in trouble. Serving you ginger ale and sandwiches and selling you $5 headphones is a close second. Flight attendants are always happy when you get them roses. Here is photographic evidence:
8. As I said, talk to people. Sometimes they won't talk to you and this is fine. They might have had a long day or they are tired or they have an itchy bum. But mostly people will want to talk to you. Do not ask them if they'd like to smell your armpit. This is bad. But if you are eating cherry Twizzlers, offer them some. Twizzlers are meant to be shared, especially the red ones.
7. Always bring a deck of cards and sponge bunnies on an airplane because you never know when you'll encounter bored people who want to see magic tricks (disregard this if you don't do magic.)
6. When you are flying somewhere, try to fly Westjet. It is a Calgary-based company and we should always support anything that comes out of Calgary because it's the best city in the whole wide world (except in Winter when it gets really cold.)
5. Go skydiving. It's fun.
4. You're not allowed to visit the pilot and first officer in the cockpit anymore (they are now called flight decks because 'cockpit' makes 12-year-olds giggle.) This is because of what evil bad terrorists did on 9/11. When I was a kid, I got to go to the cockpit. The pilot had gray hair. He asked my name. I told him. He gave me a toy airplane. I looked out the window. There was nothing but sky and clouds. The first officer was eating a piece of celery. Next to him were a bunch of switches and lights. The lights were orange.
3. See if there's anyone you know on the plane. If so, you can have fun with them. Once I was sitting across the aisle from an actress I did a play with a long time ago. She did not recognize me. I engaged her in conversation and she asked me what I did and I told her I was a psychic. She didn't believe me so I offered to prove it. I took her hand and I went into a trance and I told her that she studied theatre at the University of Calgary and that she was a professional actress and that she had played Lady MacBeth at Shakespeare in the Park in Calgary. She got really freaked out and then I told her who I was and she was annoyed but also relieved. Then she asked who the roses were for and I said they were for the flight attendants and she asked why I was buying roses for the flight attendants and I said it's because flight attendants put up with a lot of crap from rude customers and I wanted to show them that I appreciate them. Then the actress smiled and she told me I was sweet and then the girl behind her asked me if I was single because she would love to set me up with her sister and I had to tell her that I was not single and now I know when this story took place. It was 2000.
2. If you are feeling anti-social or you have an upset tummy, do nothing but watch movies. If you really want the time to go fast, download a hidden object game on your computer (I recommend the ones from Big Fish.) Chances are the plane will be landing right as you finish.
1. See if anyone on the plane is on their way to a fundraiser. If they are, ask the flight attendant to give you a microphone so you can tell the people on board that you are doing an impromptu cash drive. (This usually only works on Westjet.) Be sure to have oodles of charisma if you're going to attempt this (if you don't, just be moderately drunk. No scratch that. Alcohol is bad.) Then you'll be able to give the person a handful of money for their charity and then everyone will be happy and they will look like this:
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