March 16: If chickens could smell fear
If chickens could smell fear, I don’t think it would make a lick of difference. Chickens are stupid.
-
Chickens are so stupid that they have no idea what to do with fear. If there are a bunch of chickens in a pen and some guy comes in with a knife or even a game of Parcheesi, the chickens will scatter. But it’s pretty easy to catch one and kill it. That’s because chickens are stupid.
-
There’s a scene in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service where James Bond is seducing a girl named Ruby, who is a patient at an allergy clinic, which is a front for Ernst Stavro Blofeld’s criminal organization. James and Ruby are just about to get jiggy with it when Blofeld’s voice suddenly comes on the suite’s sound system. He starts telling Ruby about how she’s almost kicked her chicken allergy and soon she’ll be dismissed from the clinic so she can safely dine at KFC.
Well, no one can probably safely dine at KFC but I’ll let it go at that.
-
Wait a second.
Ruby was from England and she travelled all the way to Switzerland (and spent thousands of dollars) so she could overcome an allergy to chickens?
Why?
I mean… I’d probably check into that clinic to cure my hay fever. That’s because I’m allergic to trees. That’s right. Trees. Every June, Shteevie’s nose turns into a snot factory and his eyes become dryer than a rusty old Buick. I’d check into that clinic in a heartbeat because I can’t very well avoid trees, can I? Trust me, there were years when the hay fever was so bad that I wanted to move to the Yukon just to get away from all that tree
pollen.
But there’s a difference between seasonal allergies and food allergies, right? I mean… if I was allergic to rhubarb, I would probably just go my life NOT EATING RHUBARB! I certainly wouldn’t say “My life is incomplete
because I can’t eat rhubarb. Cure me, Blofeld, cure me.”
But On Her Majesty’s Secret Service was filled with people who believed that very thing. They came from all over the world – Africa, China, South America – so they could train their bodies to digest bananas, pasta and yogurt. It should be noted that all of these patients were women who happened to be supermodels. It was like Blofeld had placed a want ad saying: ARE YOU A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WITH A FOOD ALLERGY? COME TO SWITZERLAND AND WE WILL CURE YOU! UGLY PEOPLE NEED NOT APPLY!
-
James Bond, who was portrayed in that film by George Lazenby, seduced Ruby and then another girl and then he was chased out of the allergy clinic by Blofeld and his henchmen and later that night, he asks Diana Rigg to marry him.
I’m not sure if dudes typically propose marriage after being woefully promiscuous over the past 48 hours. Actually, being a dude, I am sure that they don’t. But this is James Bond land, so anything goes.
Plus, if you’re marrying a girl who looks like this, that’ll probably stop you from being promiscuous pretty darned fast.
-
You know what? I’m wrong. I know I’m wrong because of Shania Twain.
Shania Twain is the most beautiful woman in the world. That’s not an opinion, it’s a scientific factual statement. Some scientists did some research and discovered the exact facial proportions of the classically beautiful face. Those scientists determined that the closest match to those proportions is me. The second closest, Shania Twain, which makes her the most beautiful woman in the world.
Now get this – Shania was married to a dude named Robert John Mutt Lange, a teetotalling record producer who helped The Cars record Heartbeat City and Def Leppard make their Hysteria album. Then, after 15 years of
marriage or something like that, Mutt decides to have an affair with Shania’s best friend.
Why?
IF YOU’RE MARRIED TO SHANIA TWAIN, WHY WOULD YOU CHEAT ON HER?!
IF YOU DRIVE A LAMBORGHINI, WHY WOULD YOU TRADE IT FOR A HONDA?!
IF YOU’RE READING ROTATING PINEAPPLE, WHY WOULD YOU STOP SO YOU CAN READ GREAT EXPECTATIONS?!
It boggles the mind.
-
This note was supposed to be about chickens and it wound up being about James Bond and Shania Twain and I am cool with this.
Goodnight.
-
Chickens are so stupid that they have no idea what to do with fear. If there are a bunch of chickens in a pen and some guy comes in with a knife or even a game of Parcheesi, the chickens will scatter. But it’s pretty easy to catch one and kill it. That’s because chickens are stupid.
-
There’s a scene in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service where James Bond is seducing a girl named Ruby, who is a patient at an allergy clinic, which is a front for Ernst Stavro Blofeld’s criminal organization. James and Ruby are just about to get jiggy with it when Blofeld’s voice suddenly comes on the suite’s sound system. He starts telling Ruby about how she’s almost kicked her chicken allergy and soon she’ll be dismissed from the clinic so she can safely dine at KFC.
Well, no one can probably safely dine at KFC but I’ll let it go at that.
You only live twice. I only played Bond once.
-
Wait a second.
Ruby was from England and she travelled all the way to Switzerland (and spent thousands of dollars) so she could overcome an allergy to chickens?
Why?
I mean… I’d probably check into that clinic to cure my hay fever. That’s because I’m allergic to trees. That’s right. Trees. Every June, Shteevie’s nose turns into a snot factory and his eyes become dryer than a rusty old Buick. I’d check into that clinic in a heartbeat because I can’t very well avoid trees, can I? Trust me, there were years when the hay fever was so bad that I wanted to move to the Yukon just to get away from all that tree
pollen.
But there’s a difference between seasonal allergies and food allergies, right? I mean… if I was allergic to rhubarb, I would probably just go my life NOT EATING RHUBARB! I certainly wouldn’t say “My life is incomplete
because I can’t eat rhubarb. Cure me, Blofeld, cure me.”
But On Her Majesty’s Secret Service was filled with people who believed that very thing. They came from all over the world – Africa, China, South America – so they could train their bodies to digest bananas, pasta and yogurt. It should be noted that all of these patients were women who happened to be supermodels. It was like Blofeld had placed a want ad saying: ARE YOU A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WITH A FOOD ALLERGY? COME TO SWITZERLAND AND WE WILL CURE YOU! UGLY PEOPLE NEED NOT APPLY!
-
James Bond, who was portrayed in that film by George Lazenby, seduced Ruby and then another girl and then he was chased out of the allergy clinic by Blofeld and his henchmen and later that night, he asks Diana Rigg to marry him.
I’m not sure if dudes typically propose marriage after being woefully promiscuous over the past 48 hours. Actually, being a dude, I am sure that they don’t. But this is James Bond land, so anything goes.
Plus, if you’re marrying a girl who looks like this, that’ll probably stop you from being promiscuous pretty darned fast.
There's a moment in On Her Majesty's Secret Service where Diana Rigg looks EXACTLY like my high school girlfriend.
-
You know what? I’m wrong. I know I’m wrong because of Shania Twain.
Shania Twain is the most beautiful woman in the world. That’s not an opinion, it’s a scientific factual statement. Some scientists did some research and discovered the exact facial proportions of the classically beautiful face. Those scientists determined that the closest match to those proportions is me. The second closest, Shania Twain, which makes her the most beautiful woman in the world.
Now get this – Shania was married to a dude named Robert John Mutt Lange, a teetotalling record producer who helped The Cars record Heartbeat City and Def Leppard make their Hysteria album. Then, after 15 years of
marriage or something like that, Mutt decides to have an affair with Shania’s best friend.
Why?
IF YOU’RE MARRIED TO SHANIA TWAIN, WHY WOULD YOU CHEAT ON HER?!
IF YOU DRIVE A LAMBORGHINI, WHY WOULD YOU TRADE IT FOR A HONDA?!
IF YOU’RE READING ROTATING PINEAPPLE, WHY WOULD YOU STOP SO YOU CAN READ GREAT EXPECTATIONS?!
It boggles the mind.
I'm hot. That's a fact.
-
This note was supposed to be about chickens and it wound up being about James Bond and Shania Twain and I am cool with this.
Goodnight.
Comments
Post a Comment