March 2: How many pillows is too much?

I have about 17 pillows in my house. Sometimes I think that's not enough. Dairy Queen used to have a slogan "more burger than bun." My bed has a slogan "more pillow than blanket."

I am a guy and that means I am a human furnace. My body is hot all the time and so I mostly don't need blankets. When I wake in the morning, I have kicked them off.

But pillows. Well that's something different.

When I was in Grade 9, I read this article about a new pillow that stayed cool all the time. (I guess it had a mini fridge in it) Anyway, you could lay your head on this thing and it would stay cool all night. I thought that was the most awesome invention in the world and I would trade my computer for one (these notes would be written on a typewriter.)

But now I have 17 pillows on my bed. This is great because when one of them gets warm, I can just toss it aside for another. By the time I get back to that pillow, it will be cool again.

Totally acceptable

>

As I said, I am a guy. As such, I have rules about my pillows. They are:

1. Pillows must be rectangles. No round, square, or heart-shaped pillows on my bed.
2. Pillowcases must not have frilled edges.

Totally unacceptable

3. Pillowcases must not have girly patterns on them. No pink and white pillowcases allowed on Shteevie's bed. Pillowcases should be black or white or navy blue. They can have the Calgary Flames logo on them. Or happy faces. No Batman logos though. Sorry. I like Batman but not that much.
4. Pillows cannot have lameass silly slogans like: "A dream is a wish your heart makes" on them.

I will genocide your family if you put this on my bed

-

Here are some lyrics from Europe' song, The Final Countdown:

We're leaving together
But still it's farewell
And maybe we'll come back,
To earth, who can tell?

I guess there is no one to blame
We're leaving ground (leaving ground)
Will things ever be the same again?
It's the final countdown.

-

I pronounce pillow like this: pee-low. I do this because it's funny.

I am typing this note in my writing room, which is now clean. It was not clean 15 minutes ago because my one-year-old son had been in here and he had pulled a whole bunch of books off the shelves and threw playing cards everywhere.

But now things are clean.

To my right is the window. In the window is an air conditioner. The air conditioner was given to me by Val, who I traded with for a mountain bike. (To this day, I have never seen anyone look happier than how Val looked when I said I would do that trade.) Unfortunately, the mountain bike was stolen by some douchebag when Val was in university. I hope the douchebag had to endure five pounds of raw cement getting funneled up his bum.

The air conditioner is in the middle of the window and it is kept in place by two old pillows. Most people use plywood to keep out the bugs and cold air, but I use pillows. The pillows have been there for about eight years. They have never been moved. They are probably full of mildew and dust and mould. This is probably bad. I read somewhere that you can get awful diseases from pillow mould. One of them makes you obsessed with cheesy hair bands from the 1980s.

-

Unskinny bop
Just blows me away
Unskinny bop, bop
All night and day
Unskinny bop, bop, bop, bop
She just loves to play
Unskinny bop nothin' more to say
- Poison

-

If you come to visit me at my apartment (and I recommend it if you are my friend and you like seeing Calgary Flames stuff everywhere and you don't mind not having a TV or a fridge or a stove) then you will have a choice of two places to sleep - my bed or the futon in my writing room. I will give you a choice because you are my guest, but if you are a bedwetter then I hope you will choose the futon.

In any case, both bed and futon are overflowing with pee-lows.

You can sleep in my bedroom or the writing room.

But if you choose the latter, you may experience an inexplicable desire to listen to some Motley Crue.