March 8: Magpies make my life hell

If you think magpies and crows are the same thing, think again. There are many different kinds of magpies and not all of 'em are black and white. In fact, some of 'em are quite colourful.

Check this out:



That is the Sri Lanka Blue Magpie. It can only be found in Sri Lanka and that is why it is called the Sri Lanka Blue Magpie. I knew a girl from Sri Lanka once. She worked at a hair salon in Calgary. The salon was geared toward men. There were TVs (showing only sports), magazines like Maxim, video game consoles where you could play NHL, and all sorts of testosteroney stuff. I will not reveal the Sri Lankan's name but I will say she was very pretty. She used to do straight razor shaves too. She doesn't work there anymore. Now she works in a dentist's office.

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The Sri Lanka Blue Magpie is carnivorous. It eats frogs and bugs. It will also eat fruit when it has to but it would rather eat meat 24/7. The Sri Lanka Blue Magpie sounds like me.

The Sri Lanka Blue Magpie (from now on I'm just going to call it an SLBM because I am getting tired of typing its full name out all the time) probably has annoying ka ka ka sound like other magpies but I bet people don't hate them as much as the garden variety black and white ones that haunt my friends in Belfast.

The reason: the SLBM is beautiful. If something is beautiful, we will put up with it no matter how annoying it is.

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A friend of mine once dated a girl who was very annoying. He and I would go out to watch a hockey game and his phone would ring nonstop. "Where are you?" the girl would demand. "How come you're not spending time with me? Come home right now and tell me my farts smell like cinnamon buns."

I asked my friend why he put up with it.

He showed me a picture of her. She was smokin.

"That is why," he said. "I put up with her even though she makes my life hell."

He left halfway through the second period. I have not seen him in a long time.

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This note title was given to me by my friend Louise, who used to have the same last name as me. Then she got married.

Louise lives in Belfast and I assume there is a magpie problem there.

Let's google it and see.

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I have googled "magpie Belfast" and I now know there is an arts and crafts supply store in Belfast called The Lucky Magpie. You can buy homemade jewelry there as well as stuff to make beads.

There is also something called Magpie Belfast, which is an online business that makes sewing stuff for people. I have a hunch it is affiliated with The Lucky Magpie.

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I do not like magpies being pretty. All magpies are crows (blue jays are also crows) and all ravens are crows too and I think all crows should be like the ominous thing that says "nevermore" in Edgar Allen Poe's poem.

The Raven is probably the best poem of all time. Second prize goes to Alligator Pie.

I'm the only one in history who could kick Dennis Lee's ass at poetry writing.

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Magpies don't make my life hell.

But sleep deprivation sure does.

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Inspiration: Louise Smyth