March 25: There is no metaphysics like chocolate
It will be hard for me to write about chocolate. This is because I am
a man. To really write about chocolate, you have to be a woman. I will
now give myself a sex change operation.
Done. I am now a woman. Men are smiling at me for no reason. This one guy I pass on the street everyday just asked me about my shoes and my hair and he told me I smell nice. Puppies are cute. I dot my i's with little circles. Pretty Woman is my favourite movie and I love looking at pictures of cute kitty cats and puppy doggies.
Okay now that there is enough estrogen in my system and I'm lactating whenever a baby is near, I feel like I can finally write about chocolate.
OMG! CHOCOLATE IS THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD!
Seriously. Chocolate is better than men because chocolate won't talk back to you if you're having a bad day. And if chocolate forgets your birthday or it doesn't touch your hair just right when you get back from work, it's okay. Because chocolate doesn't have a brain. Then again, neither do men. Ahahahaha!
I like to eat chocolate when I am reading a Harlequin Romance, which is what all women read anyway. Sometimes I'll eat it when I'm writing poetry. OMG! Here's a poem I wrote last night when it was raining. I call it RAINY NIGHT.
It is raining.
The windows are wet with rain
which is water
from the sky
dad used to say
God is crying.
The cat Mr. Peppers rubs against my leg.
He purrs because he is hungry
and he knows I am sad.
I eat my chocolate
and read my Harlequin Romance
and then I will take a bubble bath
and listen to Michael Bublé
before I watch Ellen.
That is my poem? Isn't it awesome? I can't wait for the weekend because me and my girlfriends are going to the bar and we're going to do shooters and we're going to get really drunk and then we'll go to Denny's and order cheese fries and I'll get really fat (I hate my thunder thighs) but look at me now. I'm eating chocolate. I'm a hypocrite. I think I am going to cry.
-Five minutes later-
Okay, I am done crying.
I just threw away my video game console that I used to have when I was a guy. Now that I am a girl, I hate video games. In fact, I will dedicate a large portion of my life to bitching at all men who play video games. I will tell them that video games are a waste of time and they could be doing more productive things like making me feel special or strangling mooses with their bare hands or going to the store and buying me chocolate.
OMG! I just looked at the Shopper's Drug Mart flyer and they are having a sale on Easter chocolate. Oh I want a big hollow milk chocolate bunny right now. I want one. I want one. I want one. I'd go to the store right now but Chuck's in town and it really hurts.
*
I can't take this anymore. I have to get another sex change so I can be a dude again.
Okay. Done.
Great. I'm back to having one mood all the time. Also, James Bond is awesome. I'd much rather spend Saturday night watching the NHL playoffs than doing a Julia Roberts filmfest on WTV.
But I also have an opinion on chocolate.
I like dark chocolate, which is apparently the healthiest kind. My favourite candy bar is Snickers but I don't eat them very often because I'm afraid they're going to pull out my fillings. When I was in Grade 9, our science teacher, Ken Wasylenko, used to claim that anyone who brought him homemade chocolate chip cookies would receive an A. We all knew he was joking but I do recall a bunch of people bringing him cookies on the last day of school.
While I like chocolate, I won't say I'm a chocolate fanatic. On a scale of 1-10, (ten being a backrub from Jill Hennessy and 1 being a kick in the ass with a frozen boot while being forced to watch March Madness), I'd say chocolate is about a 6.1. Sometimes I buy Count Chocula and I eat it with chocolate milk. At Dairy Queen I will sometimes buy a chocoholic Blizzard. I am a Prince fan and Prince's friend, Morris Day, fronted a band called The Time and they once recorded a song called Chocolate and here are some of the lyrics:
Every time we're out on a date
I want to love you, you made me wait
Then you told me I look like a pimp
But honey, I noticed you waited till after dinner
18 jumbo shrimp, damn
Gimme some of your chocolate...
I cannot quote anymore because it has become obvious to me that chocolate, in this song, is a metaphor for something else. Morris Day is bad. He thinks that just because he spends a lot of money on a woman, this means she will play tiddly winks with him. This is bad!
Guys should spend copious amounts of money on girls. They should take them to a real nice restaurant and then to the opera (and they should buy them a nice dress before they go - preferably one that is black and they should buy them those elbow length gloves too) and after the opera they should go for ice cream and then the man should drop the woman off at her house and then he should go home and drink a Dr. Pepper and watch the Calgary Flames play hockey (or if it's summer, he should watch an old episode of Hunter on DVD.) No one should be intimate with anyone for any reason ever again. We have too many people on the planet and we need to get rid of AIDS.
I like chocolate pudding and chocolate lava cake and there was this restaurant near where my parents lived in Braeside that used to serve chocolate Cola. I went there with an Anglican minister, whose youth group I'd joined for a short while (I stopped going because I got to go to his church on movie night and one of the girls asked if I'd like to go to the store with her and I said sure and I asked if she was a Christian and she said no she was an atheist and then she asked if I wanted to get high and I said no because drugs are bad) and he ordered me a chocolate Cola and it was really good. The Anglican minister had a theatre degree from the University of Lethbridge and I saw him in a performance of The Merry Wives of Windsor, where he played Dr. Caius, and he was remarkable and he encouraged me to study theatre and he helped me prepare for an audition for Ibsen's play Ghosts, which I didn't get because I was only 14.
And I am hungry now and so I will stop writing this note and I will go the store and get me a Crispy Crunch.
Done. I am now a woman. Men are smiling at me for no reason. This one guy I pass on the street everyday just asked me about my shoes and my hair and he told me I smell nice. Puppies are cute. I dot my i's with little circles. Pretty Woman is my favourite movie and I love looking at pictures of cute kitty cats and puppy doggies.
Okay now that there is enough estrogen in my system and I'm lactating whenever a baby is near, I feel like I can finally write about chocolate.
OMG! CHOCOLATE IS THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD!
Her teeth did not stay white for long
Seriously. Chocolate is better than men because chocolate won't talk back to you if you're having a bad day. And if chocolate forgets your birthday or it doesn't touch your hair just right when you get back from work, it's okay. Because chocolate doesn't have a brain. Then again, neither do men. Ahahahaha!
I like to eat chocolate when I am reading a Harlequin Romance, which is what all women read anyway. Sometimes I'll eat it when I'm writing poetry. OMG! Here's a poem I wrote last night when it was raining. I call it RAINY NIGHT.
It is raining.
The windows are wet with rain
which is water
from the sky
dad used to say
God is crying.
The cat Mr. Peppers rubs against my leg.
He purrs because he is hungry
and he knows I am sad.
I eat my chocolate
and read my Harlequin Romance
and then I will take a bubble bath
and listen to Michael Bublé
before I watch Ellen.
That is my poem? Isn't it awesome? I can't wait for the weekend because me and my girlfriends are going to the bar and we're going to do shooters and we're going to get really drunk and then we'll go to Denny's and order cheese fries and I'll get really fat (I hate my thunder thighs) but look at me now. I'm eating chocolate. I'm a hypocrite. I think I am going to cry.
-Five minutes later-
Okay, I am done crying.
I just threw away my video game console that I used to have when I was a guy. Now that I am a girl, I hate video games. In fact, I will dedicate a large portion of my life to bitching at all men who play video games. I will tell them that video games are a waste of time and they could be doing more productive things like making me feel special or strangling mooses with their bare hands or going to the store and buying me chocolate.
OMG! I just looked at the Shopper's Drug Mart flyer and they are having a sale on Easter chocolate. Oh I want a big hollow milk chocolate bunny right now. I want one. I want one. I want one. I'd go to the store right now but Chuck's in town and it really hurts.
*
I can't take this anymore. I have to get another sex change so I can be a dude again.
Okay. Done.
Great. I'm back to having one mood all the time. Also, James Bond is awesome. I'd much rather spend Saturday night watching the NHL playoffs than doing a Julia Roberts filmfest on WTV.
But I also have an opinion on chocolate.
I like dark chocolate, which is apparently the healthiest kind. My favourite candy bar is Snickers but I don't eat them very often because I'm afraid they're going to pull out my fillings. When I was in Grade 9, our science teacher, Ken Wasylenko, used to claim that anyone who brought him homemade chocolate chip cookies would receive an A. We all knew he was joking but I do recall a bunch of people bringing him cookies on the last day of school.
While I like chocolate, I won't say I'm a chocolate fanatic. On a scale of 1-10, (ten being a backrub from Jill Hennessy and 1 being a kick in the ass with a frozen boot while being forced to watch March Madness), I'd say chocolate is about a 6.1. Sometimes I buy Count Chocula and I eat it with chocolate milk. At Dairy Queen I will sometimes buy a chocoholic Blizzard. I am a Prince fan and Prince's friend, Morris Day, fronted a band called The Time and they once recorded a song called Chocolate and here are some of the lyrics:
Every time we're out on a date
I want to love you, you made me wait
Then you told me I look like a pimp
But honey, I noticed you waited till after dinner
18 jumbo shrimp, damn
Gimme some of your chocolate...
I cannot quote anymore because it has become obvious to me that chocolate, in this song, is a metaphor for something else. Morris Day is bad. He thinks that just because he spends a lot of money on a woman, this means she will play tiddly winks with him. This is bad!
Chicks dig the 'stache.
Guys should spend copious amounts of money on girls. They should take them to a real nice restaurant and then to the opera (and they should buy them a nice dress before they go - preferably one that is black and they should buy them those elbow length gloves too) and after the opera they should go for ice cream and then the man should drop the woman off at her house and then he should go home and drink a Dr. Pepper and watch the Calgary Flames play hockey (or if it's summer, he should watch an old episode of Hunter on DVD.) No one should be intimate with anyone for any reason ever again. We have too many people on the planet and we need to get rid of AIDS.
I like chocolate pudding and chocolate lava cake and there was this restaurant near where my parents lived in Braeside that used to serve chocolate Cola. I went there with an Anglican minister, whose youth group I'd joined for a short while (I stopped going because I got to go to his church on movie night and one of the girls asked if I'd like to go to the store with her and I said sure and I asked if she was a Christian and she said no she was an atheist and then she asked if I wanted to get high and I said no because drugs are bad) and he ordered me a chocolate Cola and it was really good. The Anglican minister had a theatre degree from the University of Lethbridge and I saw him in a performance of The Merry Wives of Windsor, where he played Dr. Caius, and he was remarkable and he encouraged me to study theatre and he helped me prepare for an audition for Ibsen's play Ghosts, which I didn't get because I was only 14.
And I am hungry now and so I will stop writing this note and I will go the store and get me a Crispy Crunch.
Comments
Post a Comment