March 11: Breakfast of Champions
The first heard Kurt Vonnegut's name while reading an old Stephen
King novel. The novel was called Roadwork (written under King's
pseudonym Richard Bachman) and its protagonist, Barton George Dawes, was
reputed to have liked Vonnegut's books mostly because they were funny.
The second time I heard his name was years later when an actor friend of mine, who'd read a novel excerpt I'd written in my early 20s, said my work was reminiscent of him. I paid this no mind until 1999 when I was living in Brighton, Ontario and I had to make a road trip. I'd just received a library card and thought that, for a change, I might try an audiobook instead of music. I chanced on Vonnegut's Timequake and I picked it simply because his name had popped up twice in my past.
Good book. Fun read (or, should I say, fun listen.) I was hooked.
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Vonnegut's funniest novel is Breakfast of Champions, which he wrote as a 50th birthday present to himself. By that time he'd been married, divorced, remarried, saw all sorts of family members either die or go crazy, and survived the firebombing of Dresden in WWII. In Timequake, he said that being alive is a crock of shit.
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Breakfast of Champions is mostly story but there are a lot of line drawings in it too. There's a drawing of a film projector and female genitalia and a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Vonnegut even does a drawing of an asshole. Here is what it looks like:
If you get rid of some of those lines and you colour them yellow, you get something that sort of looks like the Wal-Mart logo.
This probably is not a coincidence.
-
Once I saw this girl who had Vonnegut's asshole tattooed on the back of her neck. Here is a picture:
Here is what I said when I saw the girl with the tattoo of the asshole on her neck:
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!"
I am sure the girl in the picture is not the same girl I saw. I wanted to kiss the asshole, not because I wanted to kiss Kurt Vonnegut's ass but because I wanted to kiss this pretty girl's neck. I already knew that she was literate, liked Kurt Vonnegut, and had a nice neck. I did not kiss her though because I am a gentleman. I did talk to her. She said Slaughterhouse Five was her favourite Kurt Vonnegut novel and she said that she was studying psychology at the university in the city where I met her. She was drinking a coffee from Starbucks as we talked. I asked her if she wrote too and she said that she did not. She didn't ask me if I wrote. That made me sad.
-
Here is why I say: "Eeeeeeeeee!!!"
It is the sound of happiness. Say "eeeeee" right now. Say it. You are smiling.
I say "eeeeee" whenever I see or hear about something that makes me happy. Once Val and I were watching the Academy Awards and the announcer said that Prince was going to give away the next award and I jumped up and shrieked "eeeeee" because I am a Prince fan and Prince makes me happy.
I also say "eeeee" when I see Jill Hennessy, anyone drinking Dr. Pepper, anyone wearing a Calgary Flames jersey (outside of Calgary) and anyone with a space between their two front teeth.
And belly buttons. Belly buttons always make me happy.
-
Breakfast of Champions is about how stupid society is. Vonnegut was a lifelong atheist who seemed reluctant to be one. Though he was not an admirer of the fundamentalist sort of religion that wants to speed up Armageddon, he said that religion does a much better job of combating mankind's biggest problem - which, he said, is loneliness. The church gives people an artificial extended family whose common bond is a mutually-confessed creed.
Breakfast of Champions contains a great snub of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Vonnegut draws a chicken. Then he says the idea behind KFC is to kill the chicken and cut off its head and pull out the insides and pluck out the feathers and then cut the chicken up and fry it and stick it in a waxed bucket so it looks like this:
-
I was inspired. I thought it would be a great idea to write a novel called Six Billion Idiots. The main character would be a guy who was the smartest person who ever lived. He starts his life simply enough, being innocent and naive and wanting to help people. But then he gets older and he realizes that people are selfish and stupid and they don't deserve help. So he dedicates his life to making people as miserable as possible.
It would be a black comedy.
-
Here is an excerpt from Six Billion Idiots:
"Floyd had to pee. There was a bar nearby so he walked in. The bar was empty. There was an old woman scrubbing the bar and drinking ginger ale. The bar smelled of old beer. There was a TV above the bar and it was showing a football game. A man in a red uniform was holding a football and he was running to the other end of the field. He was paid six million dollars a year to do this. Then three men in white uniforms tackled him. Everyone in the football stadium was overjoyed at this. There were fireworks and music and dancing cheerleaders.
Before Floyd could find out what happened next, the football game ended so the network could show three television commercials. The first one was a car commercial. It encouraged people to go out and buy a new car. The second one was a beer commercial. It encouraged people to go out and buy and consume copious amounts of beer. The third one was a public service announcement that told people not to drive their cars after they drank too much beer.
-
Kurt Vonnegut and me would have made a funny pair. He was big and tall and he had a big gray mustache and he smoked cigarettes and he was a socialist and he probably did not care for ice hockey.
I am short and I do not have facial hair and I do not smoke and I am a conservative and I think hockey is the best thing ever.
Next to belly buttons of course.
-
Mr. Vonnegut starts his novel by stating he does not mean to disparage General Mills for its Wheaties product, whose slogan has long been "Breakfast of Champions."
In Canada, we don't get Wheaties. There are exceptions. You could get them in 2002 when the Winter Olympics were taking place in Salt Lake City. Some marketing genius had decided to take Wheaties, soak them in maple syrup, and sell them to Canadians.
It worked. Best cereal ever.
The second time I heard his name was years later when an actor friend of mine, who'd read a novel excerpt I'd written in my early 20s, said my work was reminiscent of him. I paid this no mind until 1999 when I was living in Brighton, Ontario and I had to make a road trip. I'd just received a library card and thought that, for a change, I might try an audiobook instead of music. I chanced on Vonnegut's Timequake and I picked it simply because his name had popped up twice in my past.
Good book. Fun read (or, should I say, fun listen.) I was hooked.
-
Vonnegut's funniest novel is Breakfast of Champions, which he wrote as a 50th birthday present to himself. By that time he'd been married, divorced, remarried, saw all sorts of family members either die or go crazy, and survived the firebombing of Dresden in WWII. In Timequake, he said that being alive is a crock of shit.
-
Breakfast of Champions is mostly story but there are a lot of line drawings in it too. There's a drawing of a film projector and female genitalia and a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Vonnegut even does a drawing of an asshole. Here is what it looks like:
If you get rid of some of those lines and you colour them yellow, you get something that sort of looks like the Wal-Mart logo.
This probably is not a coincidence.
-
Once I saw this girl who had Vonnegut's asshole tattooed on the back of her neck. Here is a picture:
Here is what I said when I saw the girl with the tattoo of the asshole on her neck:
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!"
I am sure the girl in the picture is not the same girl I saw. I wanted to kiss the asshole, not because I wanted to kiss Kurt Vonnegut's ass but because I wanted to kiss this pretty girl's neck. I already knew that she was literate, liked Kurt Vonnegut, and had a nice neck. I did not kiss her though because I am a gentleman. I did talk to her. She said Slaughterhouse Five was her favourite Kurt Vonnegut novel and she said that she was studying psychology at the university in the city where I met her. She was drinking a coffee from Starbucks as we talked. I asked her if she wrote too and she said that she did not. She didn't ask me if I wrote. That made me sad.
-
Here is why I say: "Eeeeeeeeee!!!"
It is the sound of happiness. Say "eeeeee" right now. Say it. You are smiling.
I say "eeeeee" whenever I see or hear about something that makes me happy. Once Val and I were watching the Academy Awards and the announcer said that Prince was going to give away the next award and I jumped up and shrieked "eeeeee" because I am a Prince fan and Prince makes me happy.
I also say "eeeee" when I see Jill Hennessy, anyone drinking Dr. Pepper, anyone wearing a Calgary Flames jersey (outside of Calgary) and anyone with a space between their two front teeth.
And belly buttons. Belly buttons always make me happy.
-
Breakfast of Champions is about how stupid society is. Vonnegut was a lifelong atheist who seemed reluctant to be one. Though he was not an admirer of the fundamentalist sort of religion that wants to speed up Armageddon, he said that religion does a much better job of combating mankind's biggest problem - which, he said, is loneliness. The church gives people an artificial extended family whose common bond is a mutually-confessed creed.
Breakfast of Champions contains a great snub of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Vonnegut draws a chicken. Then he says the idea behind KFC is to kill the chicken and cut off its head and pull out the insides and pluck out the feathers and then cut the chicken up and fry it and stick it in a waxed bucket so it looks like this:
-
I was inspired. I thought it would be a great idea to write a novel called Six Billion Idiots. The main character would be a guy who was the smartest person who ever lived. He starts his life simply enough, being innocent and naive and wanting to help people. But then he gets older and he realizes that people are selfish and stupid and they don't deserve help. So he dedicates his life to making people as miserable as possible.
It would be a black comedy.
-
Here is an excerpt from Six Billion Idiots:
"Floyd had to pee. There was a bar nearby so he walked in. The bar was empty. There was an old woman scrubbing the bar and drinking ginger ale. The bar smelled of old beer. There was a TV above the bar and it was showing a football game. A man in a red uniform was holding a football and he was running to the other end of the field. He was paid six million dollars a year to do this. Then three men in white uniforms tackled him. Everyone in the football stadium was overjoyed at this. There were fireworks and music and dancing cheerleaders.
Before Floyd could find out what happened next, the football game ended so the network could show three television commercials. The first one was a car commercial. It encouraged people to go out and buy a new car. The second one was a beer commercial. It encouraged people to go out and buy and consume copious amounts of beer. The third one was a public service announcement that told people not to drive their cars after they drank too much beer.
-
Kurt Vonnegut and me would have made a funny pair. He was big and tall and he had a big gray mustache and he smoked cigarettes and he was a socialist and he probably did not care for ice hockey.
I am short and I do not have facial hair and I do not smoke and I am a conservative and I think hockey is the best thing ever.
Next to belly buttons of course.
-
Mr. Vonnegut starts his novel by stating he does not mean to disparage General Mills for its Wheaties product, whose slogan has long been "Breakfast of Champions."
In Canada, we don't get Wheaties. There are exceptions. You could get them in 2002 when the Winter Olympics were taking place in Salt Lake City. Some marketing genius had decided to take Wheaties, soak them in maple syrup, and sell them to Canadians.
It worked. Best cereal ever.
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