March 13: Uranus
I want to talk to you about Uranus.
STOP LAUGHING!
Fine. I'll come back in an hour.
-
Are you done giggling?
Good.
Uranus was discovered on this day, March 13, in the year 1781. It was discovered by an astronomer named William Herschel. William Herschel was probably straight. If he was gay, he would have discovered it much earlier.
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Unlike most of the other planets, Uranus was not named after a figure from Roman mythology. Uranus was the Greek God of the sky. This will make me feel wonderful next time it rains.
You know, I need to talk about something that's been bothering me ever since I was seven. Who decided it would be a good thing to name the planets after Roman gods? Galileo was Catholic. He should have named them after the apostles. Imagine talking about John, not Mercury, being the closest planet to the sun (John was also closest to the Son.)
Actually, I think a better thing would be to name the planets after condiments. That's because condiments actually exist. Mercury can be mustard and Venus can be relish and Mars, the red planet can be ketchup. From there we have sauerkraut, onions, barbecue sauce, chili and then butterscotch - which isn't a condiment. Then again, Pluto isn't a planet.
Suck it, Neil deGrasse Tyson.
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Aside: So far, this is Grant's favourite note-a-day.
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In science class, we were told that Uranus was a big ball of frozen gas.
That's a complete nothing thing to say. Of course it's a ball of frozen gas. What else can it be? The temperature out there is pretty much absolute zero. Trust me, everything becomes solid when the mercury dips down to minus 273.15. (Apparently, it is impossible to get colder than that. It pisses me off. There's no limit as to how hot something can get. I think cold should be afforded the same privilege. Suck it, science.)
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Aside: This note is making Carla laugh too.
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When someone tells me that Uranus is a ball of frozen gas, I tell them that the pope is Catholic and that eating Big Macs will give you the runs (which will really affect Uranus.) I tell them this because these things are so obvious that they don't even need to be said. Same thing with Uranus being a ball of frozen gas.
Frozen gas is a synonym for solid. I am typing this note on a keyboard that is made of plastic. The plastic is solid at room temperature. That means it is frozen. If my room suddenly got really hot (like if someone moved the sun 50,000 miles closer to Earth or if Jill Hennessy walked in here) my keyboard would probably melt and turn into a liquid. If it got even hotter, the liquid plastic would evaporate and turn into gas.
There you go. My point has been proven.
-
Uranus has two atmospheres and a mantle that is made of ammonia and methane ices. It also has a core that is made of chocolate and broccoli. I'm kidding. Apparently, it's core is made of something called silicate and Fe-ni rock. The core lies at the middle of the planet which is about four times the size of Earth.
I have no idea how scientists can possibly know that. Man has never been to Uranus. He probably never will. There's no reason to go to Uranus unless you're a penguin. I think man will eventually go to Mars though. My friend, Kavan - who I went to theatre school with - even had a small role in a movie called Mission to Mars.
There's also a movie called Mission to Uranus, but it's only available in certain video stores in San Francisco.
-
Uranus also has 27 moons. It probably has more. We only get one. God must love Uranus at least 27 times more than Earth. Can you imagine how nice it would be to go for a walk and there are 27 moons in the sky?
Uranus's moons are named after characters from the works of William Shakespeare and Alexander Pope (they ran out of Roman gods.) Because of this, I am grateful that Uranus was discovered back in the 1700s. If it were discovered in 2014, we might be naming the moons after characters in Harry Potter or 50 Shades of Grey.
Or, even worse, Disney.
"And now class, if you look closely, you can see the silhouette of Cruella Deville as it superimposes itself over Uranus."
-
When I was a kid, I had a computer game called The Halley Project, which purported to be an educational game designed to teach kids about the solar system. How it worked was you had a special starbase on Halley's Comet and the computer would give you various assignments like "land on Earth" or "land on the only moon of Saturn with a retrograde orbit" or "land on a moon of Neptune that doesn't have an atmosphere."
I played it on a Commodore 64, which displayed exactly 16 colours. The surface of Uranus resembled something a kindergarten student might draw with finger paint.
And that, my friends, is my report on Uranus.
Please don't ask me how mine is.
STOP LAUGHING!
Fine. I'll come back in an hour.
-
Are you done giggling?
Good.
Uranus was discovered on this day, March 13, in the year 1781. It was discovered by an astronomer named William Herschel. William Herschel was probably straight. If he was gay, he would have discovered it much earlier.
-
Unlike most of the other planets, Uranus was not named after a figure from Roman mythology. Uranus was the Greek God of the sky. This will make me feel wonderful next time it rains.
You know, I need to talk about something that's been bothering me ever since I was seven. Who decided it would be a good thing to name the planets after Roman gods? Galileo was Catholic. He should have named them after the apostles. Imagine talking about John, not Mercury, being the closest planet to the sun (John was also closest to the Son.)
Actually, I think a better thing would be to name the planets after condiments. That's because condiments actually exist. Mercury can be mustard and Venus can be relish and Mars, the red planet can be ketchup. From there we have sauerkraut, onions, barbecue sauce, chili and then butterscotch - which isn't a condiment. Then again, Pluto isn't a planet.
Suck it, Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Wanna hear Uranus? Pull my finger
-
Aside: So far, this is Grant's favourite note-a-day.
-
In science class, we were told that Uranus was a big ball of frozen gas.
That's a complete nothing thing to say. Of course it's a ball of frozen gas. What else can it be? The temperature out there is pretty much absolute zero. Trust me, everything becomes solid when the mercury dips down to minus 273.15. (Apparently, it is impossible to get colder than that. It pisses me off. There's no limit as to how hot something can get. I think cold should be afforded the same privilege. Suck it, science.)
-
Aside: This note is making Carla laugh too.
-
When someone tells me that Uranus is a ball of frozen gas, I tell them that the pope is Catholic and that eating Big Macs will give you the runs (which will really affect Uranus.) I tell them this because these things are so obvious that they don't even need to be said. Same thing with Uranus being a ball of frozen gas.
Frozen gas is a synonym for solid. I am typing this note on a keyboard that is made of plastic. The plastic is solid at room temperature. That means it is frozen. If my room suddenly got really hot (like if someone moved the sun 50,000 miles closer to Earth or if Jill Hennessy walked in here) my keyboard would probably melt and turn into a liquid. If it got even hotter, the liquid plastic would evaporate and turn into gas.
There you go. My point has been proven.
So hot she could warm up Uranus (and urother parts too)
-
Uranus has two atmospheres and a mantle that is made of ammonia and methane ices. It also has a core that is made of chocolate and broccoli. I'm kidding. Apparently, it's core is made of something called silicate and Fe-ni rock. The core lies at the middle of the planet which is about four times the size of Earth.
I have no idea how scientists can possibly know that. Man has never been to Uranus. He probably never will. There's no reason to go to Uranus unless you're a penguin. I think man will eventually go to Mars though. My friend, Kavan - who I went to theatre school with - even had a small role in a movie called Mission to Mars.
There's also a movie called Mission to Uranus, but it's only available in certain video stores in San Francisco.
-
Uranus also has 27 moons. It probably has more. We only get one. God must love Uranus at least 27 times more than Earth. Can you imagine how nice it would be to go for a walk and there are 27 moons in the sky?
Uranus's moons are named after characters from the works of William Shakespeare and Alexander Pope (they ran out of Roman gods.) Because of this, I am grateful that Uranus was discovered back in the 1700s. If it were discovered in 2014, we might be naming the moons after characters in Harry Potter or 50 Shades of Grey.
Or, even worse, Disney.
"And now class, if you look closely, you can see the silhouette of Cruella Deville as it superimposes itself over Uranus."
This note bores me.
-
When I was a kid, I had a computer game called The Halley Project, which purported to be an educational game designed to teach kids about the solar system. How it worked was you had a special starbase on Halley's Comet and the computer would give you various assignments like "land on Earth" or "land on the only moon of Saturn with a retrograde orbit" or "land on a moon of Neptune that doesn't have an atmosphere."
I played it on a Commodore 64, which displayed exactly 16 colours. The surface of Uranus resembled something a kindergarten student might draw with finger paint.
And that, my friends, is my report on Uranus.
Please don't ask me how mine is.
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