March 21: The worst way to die
I used to think drowning was the worst way to die. Then a firefighter
told me that drowning was a piece of cake compared to burning to death.
I wonder how he knew.
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The firefighter told me this after me and my friend, Larry, were spotted climbing into the attic in his mom's garage. We had a whole bunch of old magazines up there - Mad and Playboy - and the firefighter followed us up to there to give us hell.
"Those old magazines are a fire hazard," he screamed. "And you boys shouldn't be up here anyway. It's got to be 50 degrees up here. Come on down. You don't need your privacy that much."
I had no idea who this firefighter was or what made him think he had the authority to tell us to get down from anywhere. But I listened to him anyway. He was yelling at us, yeah, but he was yelling at us out of love.
By the way, Larry and I were about 14 when this happened.
About 25 years later, a young woman and her three children died in a house fire in the small town where I live. I thought about what the firefighter told me that one time.
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So I guess burning to death would be the worst way to die. Joan of Arc may agree.
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Speaking of burning to death, I was reading this story once about this really cruel Greek emperor named Phalaris who had this giant bronze bull statue with a door on it. What he would do is take someone he didn't like, put them in the bull and then lock the door. Then he would light a fire under the bull until the person roasted to death. Apparently, the bull's mouth was designed in such a way that the victim's screams would sound like the bellowing of an actual bull.
Some accounts even say that the burning of such people was considered grand entertainment by the Greek elite.
"What are you doing tonight, honey?"
"I thought I'd go to the theatre. There's a great new play by Euripdes. And you?"
"Going to the emperor's banquet. He's going to put someone in that bull of his and we're going to hear him burn to death."
"Have fun. Bring me a rib."
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In Kurt Vonnegut's novel SLAUGHTERHOUSE FIVE, one of his characters says the worst way to die is to strip a guy naked and stake him out in the desert all spread eagled. Then you smear honey on his unmentionable part and you cut his eyelids off so he has to look at himself. Then you get a whole bunch of red ants and let them swarm him. I'm not sure how long it would take him to die; it would probably drive him crazy first.
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I'm not sure what I'd prefer - the ants or an Elton John concert.
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I wonder how he knew.
-
The firefighter told me this after me and my friend, Larry, were spotted climbing into the attic in his mom's garage. We had a whole bunch of old magazines up there - Mad and Playboy - and the firefighter followed us up to there to give us hell.
"Those old magazines are a fire hazard," he screamed. "And you boys shouldn't be up here anyway. It's got to be 50 degrees up here. Come on down. You don't need your privacy that much."
I had no idea who this firefighter was or what made him think he had the authority to tell us to get down from anywhere. But I listened to him anyway. He was yelling at us, yeah, but he was yelling at us out of love.
By the way, Larry and I were about 14 when this happened.
About 25 years later, a young woman and her three children died in a house fire in the small town where I live. I thought about what the firefighter told me that one time.
-
So I guess burning to death would be the worst way to die. Joan of Arc may agree.
-
Speaking of burning to death, I was reading this story once about this really cruel Greek emperor named Phalaris who had this giant bronze bull statue with a door on it. What he would do is take someone he didn't like, put them in the bull and then lock the door. Then he would light a fire under the bull until the person roasted to death. Apparently, the bull's mouth was designed in such a way that the victim's screams would sound like the bellowing of an actual bull.
Some accounts even say that the burning of such people was considered grand entertainment by the Greek elite.
"What are you doing tonight, honey?"
"I thought I'd go to the theatre. There's a great new play by Euripdes. And you?"
"Going to the emperor's banquet. He's going to put someone in that bull of his and we're going to hear him burn to death."
"Have fun. Bring me a rib."
-
In Kurt Vonnegut's novel SLAUGHTERHOUSE FIVE, one of his characters says the worst way to die is to strip a guy naked and stake him out in the desert all spread eagled. Then you smear honey on his unmentionable part and you cut his eyelids off so he has to look at himself. Then you get a whole bunch of red ants and let them swarm him. I'm not sure how long it would take him to die; it would probably drive him crazy first.
-
I'm not sure what I'd prefer - the ants or an Elton John concert.
-
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