Rotating Pineapple

When I was 20, I was cast in a short film called Carpé Diem. It was written and directed by my friend Steve G, who was a big Martin Scorsese fan. My character was a bookish nerd named Jack who worked in a book store and was madly in love with the super trendy girl who worked in the clothing store across the street. The plot of the movie: Jack works up the courage to go into the store and talk to this girl. He invites her to lunch. They dine, they go for a walk, they confess that they are hiding. Jack behind his new trendy wardrobe, the girl behind her chic career. Jack really wants to write poetry. The girl really wants to illustrate children's books. The film ends with the two dancing in the snow. I have never seen the film. The darn thing never made it out of the edit suite. I am mad about that because I had to give up attending a Calgary Flames-Pittsburgh Penguins game in order to reshoot a crucial scene. But there is one memory of the Carpé Diem experience that wil...

My son likes cheezies. Not the hard twisted orange things but the vaguely cheese-flavoured snacks that are kind of puffy. You stick them in your mouth and they just kind of melt. They're sort of like Maltesers, only with cheese and salt. They probably aren't very good for you and I'd be a much better daddy if I fed him yogurt and apple slices and broccoli. But my kid wants his cheezies. Can't deny him. - One of the first signs of a food not being good for you is when it's promoted by a cartoon and/or fictional character. Everything McDonalds serves should be suspect for this reason. So should any breakfast cereal that has the word SUGAR in its title. (The jury is out on Orville Redenbacher since Orville was a real person and popcorn CAN be good for you if you don't wreck it with copious amounts of butter and salt and additives so that it tastes like paper.) Because of this, I knew that Cheetos were bad for me as soon as I laid eyes on Cheste...

No one will ever pay money to watch me dance. No one will ever hire me for my dancing ability. When I was 15, I did magic in a talent show in Cochin, Saskatchewan. The problem was there were only three categories - musical instrument, dancing, and singing. Reluctantly, I entered the singing contest. I won second place in the people's choice category. My prize was a plaque. First prize was a trophy and $300 cash. THAT prize went to a professional troupe called the Creeland Dancers, who had stormed the Cochin community hall with their big authentic native drums and their red and white uniforms. They had a dozen dancers altogether and they performed six duets. They scooped up first place like it was ice cream. I still hate them 27 years later. Three hundred bucks would have lasted me the rest of the summer. I would have had enough money to actually take a girl on a date. Failing that, it would have covered McDonalds and movie rentals for Jason, Larry and me for the r...

Succor: Definition: Assistance and support in times of distress. - Most churches have benevolent funds - money dedicated to helping church members who have fallen on hard times. This is wonderful. - A couple months ago, I was stone cold broke and my one-year-old son needed formula. I went to a local pharmacy and I asked the owner if I could take a can of formula and pay her back when my paycheque came in. She said yes. She is a good person. About a month ago, I was at a local event when I learned about a family that had lost everything in a fire. I volunteered to do a free fundraising show for that family. The show didn't bring in much - just over $100. I didn't feel bad. If the family had a baby, that money would have bought four cans of formula. - Like most entertainers (or, like most entertainers who are also human beings) I struggle with the concept of doing free shows. I have a couple rules. One of them is I don't do free shows in December -...

I have been to Winnipeg only twice - both times in the 1990s. The first time I went there to write a novel. This was a stupid thing to do since it was a colossal waste of money and the novel sucked. The second time was to participate in the Winnipeg Fringe festival in 1997. That time was more fun so my memories of Winnipeg will focus on that. - When we drove into Manitoba, we saw giant ping pong balls on the side of the road. These were actually Orbits, which were giant garbage cans. The idea was to entice motorists to throw their garbage in them instead of tossing it out the window. I was charmed at the prospect of Orbit and I made a point of driving up to it so I could toss in an empty Dr. Pepper can. - I was happy, nay ecstatic, when the news broke that Winnipeg would regain its NHL team. Though I am a fan of the Calgary Flames, I've always had a soft spot for the Winnipeg Jets and they are now my second favourite team. Winnipeg doesn't have much going fo...

A few years ago, I volunteered my time at a Christian day camp for children. The kids were treated to Bible stories, sports, snacks, crafts, music and magic tricks (I did the latter.) There was always a spirited singing session and one of the kids' favourite songs was JESUS, YOU'RE MY SUPERHERO! I suppose that's letting kids worship in their own language. We have a lot of superheroes in our culture - Batman, Superman and Spiderman are the three most popular at the moment. One day they will make a Wonder Woman movie and she will take over too. Well, sure. The Bible tells us that Jesus is the captain of our salvation. I guess that's pretty superhero-ific. Jesus didn't have X-ray vision or heat vision; His super power was that he could preach the beautiful sermon on the mount. - I have plenty of heroes. Jesus is my hero. Augustine is my hero. My dad is my hero. And there are people I admire too. David Mamet, Jarome Iginla, David Copperfield, Al Pac...

It will be hard for me to write about chocolate. This is because I am a man. To really write about chocolate, you have to be a woman. I will now give myself a sex change operation. Done. I am now a woman. Men are smiling at me for no reason. This one guy I pass on the street everyday just asked me about my shoes and my hair and he told me I smell nice. Puppies are cute. I dot my i's with little circles. Pretty Woman is my favourite movie and I love looking at pictures of cute kitty cats and puppy doggies. Okay now that there is enough estrogen in my system and I'm lactating whenever a baby is near, I feel like I can finally write about chocolate. OMG! CHOCOLATE IS THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD! Her teeth did not stay white for long Seriously. Chocolate is better than men because chocolate won't talk back to you if you're having a bad day. And if chocolate forgets your birthday or it doesn't touch your hair just right when you get back from work...

I don't understand why anyone would want to name their daughter Cassandra. This is because the mythical Cassandra was not a happy person. She was beautiful, yes, but she was also insane. I used to date a girl like that. - According to Greek mythology, the god Apollo blessed Cassandra with the gift of prophecy but he also cursed her so that no one would believe her. Apollo was a pretty stupid god. I mean... what would be the point? What good is a prophet if there is no one to hear his or her words? Is a prophet's life lived in vain if no one, not even one person, heeds what he has to say? According to the Bible, Noah preached for hundreds of years and no one listened. And then it started to rain. - I don't know any real life Cassandras. The only Cassandra I've ever heard of is Cassandra Peterson, who played Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. Here is a picture of her: Note guys: She has eyeballs. I do, however, know a few real life Sandras. There...

This one summer day when I was walking down Main Street, I became aware that my feet smelled really bad. I was wearing sandals. The sandals were made of leather. My sweat had permeated the leather and made them stink really bad. I went back to the office and everyone started holding their nose. They told me to go home and wash my feet. I did that. Then my feet started to smell nice. As I washed my feet, I realized that they were far from being the stinkiest feet I'd ever smelled. So right there in the bathroom, I assembled a top ten list of nasty feet sniffed by me. I will share it with you because I am nice. 10. This guy on the bus. I was in Grade 8 and I was riding the bus downtown to the Society of Young Magicians meeting and this homeless guy got on the bus and he wasn't wearing any shoes. His feet were black with dirt and there was green gunk growing between his toes. His feet smelled like day-old ginger beef and fart. Everyone got off the bus immediate...

The photo above is of a framed piece of art I have on one of my bookshelves. For the longest time, I thought it was given to me by one of my writer friends in Calgary when I announced that I was leaving for the east. I was wrong. It was given to me by Dessi on my 32nd birthday. I learned this just yesterday when I pried back the metal tongue keeping the artwork close to the class. Behind the cardboard backing was a note: Jan. 3, 2005, JSS. JSS are the initials of Dessi. - Who is Dessi? I dated her when I was 25 and she was 31. She is 47 now. Married to a man from Colombia named Carlos. My father, a pastor, officiated over the wedding. Good grief am I ever weird. - One Valentines Day, Dessi gave me a fountain pen. It remains one of the happiest gifts I've ever received. It was more than a gift. It was her way of saying she believed in me as a writer. Writers have magic inside them. - Doug Henning's magic shows seem awfully dated now when you...

I used to think drowning was the worst way to die. Then a firefighter told me that drowning was a piece of cake compared to burning to death. I wonder how he knew. - The firefighter told me this after me and my friend, Larry, were spotted climbing into the attic in his mom's garage. We had a whole bunch of old magazines up there - Mad and Playboy - and the firefighter followed us up to there to give us hell. "Those old magazines are a fire hazard," he screamed. "And you boys shouldn't be up here anyway. It's got to be 50 degrees up here. Come on down. You don't need your privacy that much." I had no idea who this firefighter was or what made him think he had the authority to tell us to get down from anywhere. But I listened to him anyway. He was yelling at us, yeah, but he was yelling at us out of love. By the way, Larry and I were about 14 when this happened. About 25 years later, a young woman and her three children died in a house fir...

You know, I guess I went through more than four decades on planet Earth without knowing what a tuffet is. I heard the nursery rhyme about Little Miss Muffet and I was so stricken with her intense arachnophobia that I never stopped to ask for a proper definition of tuffet. Wikipedia provides me with an answer. To wit: "A tuffet , pouffe or hassock is a piece of furniture used as a footstool or low seat. It is distinguished from a stool by being completely covered in cloth so that no legs are visible. It is essentially a large hard cushion that may have an internal wooden frame to give it more rigidity. Wooden feet may be added to the base to give it stability, at which point it becomes a stool or a footstool. If the piece is larger, with storage space inside it, then it is generally known as an ottoman ." This last bit is crucial. Had the tuffet had a hollowed out storage area inside, it would cease to be a tuffet. Then the nursery rhyme would have to go:...

I do not fly often. This is because I cannot afford it. Flying is fun. If you fly alone, you will probably be seated next to a complete stranger. This person can soon become your friend, but only if you are nice to them. If it is a woman, compliment her shoes. If it is a man, talk to him about sports. Voila. Instant friend. Once I sat next to a judge. This was while flying from Calgary to Ottawa. The judge told me that her daughter suffered from bipolar disorder and refused to get any help for it. At the time of this telling, the daughter was in Las Vegas, where she'd gone on a whim and gambled away all the money in her savings account. She was currently stuck down there with no way to get home. But now I will spring into the top ten hidden opportunities on an airplane 10. Remember that most flight attendants are women and lots of them are French-Canadian and they all wear flight attendant uniforms, which are the sexiest things a woman can wear (next to a Wonder ...

Hi this is Gilbert Grape coming to you from the Fruit Salad Valley where conflict between the strawberry and banana camps have reached an all-time high. For months now, the bananas have been angry at the strawberries for living their lives underground. While the banana case might not have merit, you have to admit that the bananas themselves have a peel. Joining me now is Daryl Strawberry, former baseball player and expatriate member of the strawberry clan. Daryl, can you provide us with an insiders' perspective on the war? Daryl: I'd love to. Gilbert: You're sweet. Daryl: Of course I am. Strawberries are upset that we're not good enough on our own. Look, when people eat bananas, they mostly just peel them and eat the fruit. With strawberries, lots of things can happen. We can be mixed into jam, sliced up, dipped in chocolate or sugar. No one wants to just pick and eat us and we find that unfair. Gilbert: Thanks, Daryl. That news is crushing and if ...

Everyday at 7 in the morning, my alarm clock rings. Almost everyday I do the exact same thing. I shut it off and go back to sleep. Then I wake up 90 minutes later in a state of mild panic. I know that I have to be at work in 30 minutes. I usually skip breakfast, which causes me to have a sluggish morning. Not good. Not good. - I would like to train myself to rise at five every morning. Then I could write for a few hours (this note would likely appear in your inbox at 6:30 a.m. rather than 11:59 p.m.) and devote the rest of the day to work and other obligations. Man oh man do I wish I didn't have to sleep. - About a week ago, I was sick. Not just a little sick either. I'm talking so sick I can barely walk. And I was starvin, man. Thank God the local grocery store delivers. I called them and told them to send me strawberries. It was the only food I could think of that didn't make my stomach turn over. I thought for sure I'd be able to keep ...

If chickens could smell fear, I don’t think it would make a lick of difference. Chickens are stupid. - Chickens are so stupid that they have no idea what to do with fear. If there are a bunch of chickens in a pen and some guy comes in with a knife or even a game of Parcheesi, the chickens will scatter. But it’s pretty easy to catch one and kill it. That’s because chickens are stupid. - There’s a scene in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service where James Bond is seducing a girl named Ruby, who is a patient at an allergy clinic, which is a front for Ernst Stavro Blofeld’s criminal organization. James and Ruby are just about to get jiggy with it when Blofeld’s voice suddenly comes on the suite’s sound system. He starts telling Ruby about how she’s almost kicked her chicken allergy and soon she’ll be dismissed from the clinic so she can safely dine at KFC. Well, no one can probably safely dine at KFC but I’ll let it go at that. You only live twice. I only played Bond ...

Back in 1992, the proprietor of Drumheller's only pool hall looked just like Rod Stewart. This was more than just a slight resemblance. I mean that this cat looked so much like him that people would actually ask if he was Rod Stewart. He probably had a real name but everyone just called him Rod Stewart. I think he liked it. I never heard him sing. He had an earring. I don't know if the real Rod Stewart has an earring. He probably does. I have not been to Drumheller in a very long time. I know the pool hall is no longer there, which means that Rod Stewart has another job now. I do not know if he is still alive or if he still looks like Rod Stewart. Perhaps he shaved his head. If you want my body and you think I'm sexy come on baby shoot some pool - Drumheller is the closest city to Rosebud, which is the home of the Rosebud School of the Arts, which is where I spent my first year out of high school. Rosebud was, and still is, a Christian-based theatre guild sch...

I used to go to this restaurant where there was a plastic container of foil-wrapped peppermint patties by the cash register. Each of the patties was 25 cents and the proceeds went to charity. More often than not, I would buy one. I can't say I'd have done the same if that container had popcorn or pretzels instead. I am generous, but I will not donate my money in exchange for something that tastes yucky. - Not that I think popcorn or pretzels are yucky, I just don't want to eat them after a meal. Most meals are salty, so popcorn and pretzels don't really compliment them. Peppermint patties taste great after wolfing down a hamburger. - Charles Schulz created his Peppermint Patty character after seeing a bowl of peppermint patties on a desk in his studio. She made her debut in Peanuts in the mid-1960s when the women's lib movement was at its height. I'm not sure if this was a victory or defeat for the so-called empowered women who felt the...

I want to talk to you about Uranus. STOP LAUGHING! Fine. I'll come back in an hour. - Are you done giggling? Good. Uranus was discovered on this day, March 13, in the year 1781. It was discovered by an astronomer named William Herschel. William Herschel was probably straight. If he was gay, he would have discovered it much earlier. - Unlike most of the other planets, Uranus was not named after a figure from Roman mythology. Uranus was the Greek God of the sky. This will make me feel wonderful next time it rains. You know, I need to talk about something that's been bothering me ever since I was seven. Who decided it would be a good thing to name the planets after Roman gods? Galileo was Catholic. He should have named them after the apostles. Imagine talking about John, not Mercury, being the closest planet to the sun (John was also closest to the Son.) Actually, I think a better thing would be to name the planets after condiments. That's beca...

Whenever I get on an airplane, a friend in Calgary urges me to "fly safe." It makes me smile. - I don't know why the phrase "white knuckles" makes me think of airplanes. Perhaps it's the phrase "white knuckle flyer," which describes a person who is so terrified of flying that they grip the armrests so hard that they turn white. These poor souls need to understand that air travel is quite safe - at least as far as statistics are concerned. You're more likely to get killed on a train, in a car, on a motorcycle, or crossing the street. A more accurate phrase might be "white knuckle pedestrian." - I was never a white knuckle flyer. I always felt safe on airplanes. Not sure why. Boats make me nervous (and I've never even seen Titanic.) I've been on a few - the most notable being the ferry that shuttled me out to Vancouver Island more than a decade ago. Once, when I was doing a magic show on the Akwesasne reser...

The first heard Kurt Vonnegut's name while reading an old Stephen King novel. The novel was called Roadwork (written under King's pseudonym Richard Bachman) and its protagonist, Barton George Dawes, was reputed to have liked Vonnegut's books mostly because they were funny. The second time I heard his name was years later when an actor friend of mine, who'd read a novel excerpt I'd written in my early 20s, said my work was reminiscent of him. I paid this no mind until 1999 when I was living in Brighton, Ontario and I had to make a road trip. I'd just received a library card and thought that, for a change, I might try an audiobook instead of music. I chanced on Vonnegut's Timequake and I picked it simply because his name had popped up twice in my past. Good book. Fun read (or, should I say, fun listen.) I was hooked. - Vonnegut's funniest novel is Breakfast of Champions, which he wrote as a 50th birthday present to himself. By that time...