Oct. 23: Interview with Taylor Swift



Shteevie: Hi Taylor Swift.

Taylor Swift: Hi Shteevie.

Shteevie: Thank you for consenting to being interviewed by The Rotating Pineapple.

Taylor Swift: You are welcome.

S: Ummm. Do you like pineapple?

TS: Kinda.

S: So do you like to write songs?

TS: It's okay. I mean, I always wanted to be a meatcutter but I never had a talent for it, so I had to fall back on music instead.

S: Really?

TS: Yeah. It's sad. Every year, millions of little girls aspire to the meatcutter trade but so very very few of them will actually make it. And the really sad thing is that a lot of those little girls are amazing meat cutters - they can handle cleavers like a monkey handles coconuts. I saw a five-year-old girl from Lafayette cut an entire pork roast in 23 seconds. But do you think she'll make a living at it? Probably not. Talent isn't enough. Prettiness isn't enough. Tenacity isn't enough. You just have to be in the right place at the right time to make it in the meatcutting industry.

Behold the abandoned dream of Ms. Taylor SwiftBehold the abandoned dream of Ms. Taylor Swift

S: Are you serious?

TS: Oh yes. I was talking with Celine Dion the other day. Her story is the same one I hear from hundreds of thousands of professional musicians around the globe. She went to the Quebec School of Meat Cutting, put in six hard grueling years there, learned how to cut up pigs and cows and chickens, apprenticed at Safeway, and when she finally got out in the world, do you think she could find a job? No. It killed her having to fall back on her backup plan and record Love Will Move Mountains. I still cry whenever I hear that song. It reminds me of the day a beautiful woman bade farewell to her dream.

My dream of being a meatcutter? It's all coming back to me now.My dream of being a meatcutter? It's all coming back to me now.

S: Okay, so you're not able to make a living at it. Are you still able to pursue your love for meatcutting in a non-professional matter?

TS: Oh yeah. I'm good friends with Selena Gomez and her uncle's father-in-law has an abattoir sixteen miles north of El Paso. Sometimes, when I'm not on tour, Selena and I will grab our cleavers and go in there and cut us up some bovines.

When you're ready come and chop it - na na na naWhen you're ready come and chop it - na na na na

S: Do you eat what you chop?

TS: Yeah. I love me a T-bone steak. Especially if the cow is from Alberta. (Licks chops.) Yum!

S: Okay, let's talk about your new album, 1989. Is it a coincidence that 1989 is also the year you were born?

TS: UM! YES!!!! WOW!!! I knew that number sounded familiar.

S: That doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Look at Van Halen's album 1984.



TS: Ewww! That's a baby smoking a cigarette. That's not okay.

S: Even worse is that none of the band members were born in 1984. David Lee Roth was born in 1954, a full 30 years before 1984. And look at George Orwell. He wrote a novel called 1984 even though he was born in 1903. He didn't even live to see 1984. He died in 1950.

TS: (Bites lip.) This is bad.

S: It really is bad, Taylor. You need to rename your album or you'll confuse people.

TS: Do you have any suggestions?

S: Yes, I know how swell you think I am, so you should name it after my website.

TS: Done!!!



S; That is an awesome record album cover. Maybe even better than Prince's Sign O The Times album.



TS: That's an awesome album too.

S; Hey Taylor?

TS: Yes.

S: May I ask a favour?

TS: Anything, sweetie.

S: Well, since this isn't a real interview and I'm just making this whole thing up, I'm kind of hoping you don't find this online and get really mad at me and sue me or something like that.

TS: Oh...

S: So if you get mad at me, could you just write an angry song about me and turn it into a top 40 hit instead of send lawyers to my house to steal my vintage Dr. Pepper collection.

TS: Okay. What do you think of these lyrics:

Shteevie's notes are really really dumb
I'll be so gald when January comes
because
he will write these silly notes no more
and
people won't have to read them and get really really bored

ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
I looked there on your site last night
ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
There's something about it that's just not right

You should call it call it call it
rotten pineapple
You should call it call it call it
rotten pineapple
Don't you see Jill Hennessy
thinks your site is really silly

S: Ouch. That hurts.

TS: Happy to oblige.

S: Ooh. Flames are playing the Hurricanes. Wanna watch?

TS: Okay!

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