Oct. 22: That escalated quickly
Lionel Richie and I were at West Edmonton Mall one winter afternoon.
We were there because I was taking my friend's daughter, Juliana, for a
day at the waterslide park. Lionel Richie was there because he wanted to
buy a new Versace sweater. Also, he needed some hair products for his
afro. He could only get both products at West Edmonton Mall.
"Tell ya what," Lionel said from the cell phone in his Porsche. "I'll pick you up in Calgary and then the three of us will drive to Edmonton. How does that sound?"
"Cool," said Jules, who really likes Porsches.
Lionel shows up. He's wearing the Calgary Flames jersey I bought him for Christmas. His mustache is gone. Jules hates mustaches so he shaved it off to please her.
I shaved this off, mofos.
We're about to get into the car when I notice it's a coupe.
"Oops," says Lionel. "Guess one of you will have to ride in the trunk."
"I'll do it," I say. So in the trunk I get. It's cold back there. It's cramped back there. There's a burlap sack stuffed with watermelons back there. I lay down with my head on the watermelons. For some reason, they make me think of a friend who is currently living in the Netherlands.
The car leaves Calgary. Lionel turns the stereo on and, of course, it's him singing. Dancing on the Ceiling immediately followed by All Night Long.
Jules says: Hey Lionel, want to hear my Lionel Richie joke?
Lionel says: I would love to hear your Lionel Richie joke.
Jules: What would Lionel Richie say if he worked in a urology lab?
Lionel: I don't know. What would Lionel Richie say if he worked in a urology lab?
Jules: Hello, is it pee you're looking for?
Lionel laughs and laughs and laughs.
We're on the Deerfoot Trail and we're three hours away from Calgary. Lionel and Jules do a lot of talking. They talk about:
- What chocolate milk smells like when you pour beef fat in it
- Marcel Marceau's suspender collection
- Neptune
- Why Prince refused to sing on We Are The World
We stop in Red Deer for lunch at Berk's Fried Chicken. Lionel also picks up a hitchhiker, who happens to be Yanni.
So now I'm really pissed off because I am locked in the trunk with Yanni. That would be heaven if I was a 45-year-old woman but since I'm a dude in his early 40s, it ain't fun at all. Also, Yanni is feeling insecure being in the immediate presence of Mr. Lionel. He wants me to assure him that his mustache is better than Lionel's, which I try to do even though I can't speak Greek.
Look, I'm just going to cut away to the end of this story.
The four of us arrive at West Edmonton Mall. Before we head off in different directions (Jules and I to the water park, Lionel to the Versace store, Yanni to TacoTime) we decide to grab some chocolate milkshakes at the Hard Rock Café. So we step onto the escalator and nothing happens.
Nothing. Like, we're standing there like statues.
Eventually, Lionel notices that the escalator is off. He touches the on button and BAM!!!
All four of us are thrown through the air. That escalator moves at the speed of light. We make a great big arc and then we land in the dolphin pit, where mean animal trainers are making dolphins do tricks for bored looking tourists from China.
We climb out of the pool and make our way up to the Hard Rock Café, using an alternate route this time. Before we go in, Lionel looks back at the hyper speedy machinery, which is currently propelling other mall shoppers through the air.
"Well," Lionel says. "That escalated quickly."
"Tell ya what," Lionel said from the cell phone in his Porsche. "I'll pick you up in Calgary and then the three of us will drive to Edmonton. How does that sound?"
"Cool," said Jules, who really likes Porsches.
Lionel shows up. He's wearing the Calgary Flames jersey I bought him for Christmas. His mustache is gone. Jules hates mustaches so he shaved it off to please her.
I shaved this off, mofos.We're about to get into the car when I notice it's a coupe.
"Oops," says Lionel. "Guess one of you will have to ride in the trunk."
"I'll do it," I say. So in the trunk I get. It's cold back there. It's cramped back there. There's a burlap sack stuffed with watermelons back there. I lay down with my head on the watermelons. For some reason, they make me think of a friend who is currently living in the Netherlands.
The car leaves Calgary. Lionel turns the stereo on and, of course, it's him singing. Dancing on the Ceiling immediately followed by All Night Long.
Jules says: Hey Lionel, want to hear my Lionel Richie joke?
Lionel says: I would love to hear your Lionel Richie joke.
Jules: What would Lionel Richie say if he worked in a urology lab?
Lionel: I don't know. What would Lionel Richie say if he worked in a urology lab?
Jules: Hello, is it pee you're looking for?
Lionel laughs and laughs and laughs.
We're on the Deerfoot Trail and we're three hours away from Calgary. Lionel and Jules do a lot of talking. They talk about:
- What chocolate milk smells like when you pour beef fat in it
- Marcel Marceau's suspender collection
- Neptune
- Why Prince refused to sing on We Are The World
We stop in Red Deer for lunch at Berk's Fried Chicken. Lionel also picks up a hitchhiker, who happens to be Yanni.
So now I'm really pissed off because I am locked in the trunk with Yanni. That would be heaven if I was a 45-year-old woman but since I'm a dude in his early 40s, it ain't fun at all. Also, Yanni is feeling insecure being in the immediate presence of Mr. Lionel. He wants me to assure him that his mustache is better than Lionel's, which I try to do even though I can't speak Greek.
Look, I'm just going to cut away to the end of this story.
The four of us arrive at West Edmonton Mall. Before we head off in different directions (Jules and I to the water park, Lionel to the Versace store, Yanni to TacoTime) we decide to grab some chocolate milkshakes at the Hard Rock Café. So we step onto the escalator and nothing happens.
Nothing. Like, we're standing there like statues.
Eventually, Lionel notices that the escalator is off. He touches the on button and BAM!!!
All four of us are thrown through the air. That escalator moves at the speed of light. We make a great big arc and then we land in the dolphin pit, where mean animal trainers are making dolphins do tricks for bored looking tourists from China.
We climb out of the pool and make our way up to the Hard Rock Café, using an alternate route this time. Before we go in, Lionel looks back at the hyper speedy machinery, which is currently propelling other mall shoppers through the air.
"Well," Lionel says. "That escalated quickly."
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