Oct. 16: The sound of one hand clapping

There are only two possible answers to the question: “What is the sound of one hand clapping?”

The first is that it sounds like skin slapping skin. You can make this sound if you open and close your hand over and over again really fast. You are clapping one hand.

The other answer is that it doesn’t sound like anything at all. If I am clapping one hand, I might look like I am Zorro doing the first wave of the Zorro sign. Really, all I’m doing is swinging my hand through the air. That doesn’t make a sound at all. If my hand had holes in it, it might make a swooshing sound. Other than that, the sound of one hand clapping is probably as quiet as a mouse peeing on cotton.

Perhaps I am being disrespectful. I understand that the riddle of “one hand clapping” is a zen exercise and it is supposed to help with meditation. I am sure lots of bald monks in orange robes think about it a lot when they are doing their exercises in Tibet.

I don’t think I’d be very good at contemplating that question because I’ve never quite understood why people clap hands in the first place. Whoever decided that clapping hands was a great way for a crowd to show enthusiasm, awe or respect?

I think we clap hands too much. I rarely ever clap.Thankfully, I don’t get razzed about this because most of the time when I’m at an event where people are clapping, I am busy holding a notebook and a pen. The other day, I was at a candidates meeting because we are having a municipal election and all the people who want to be a part of council were there to persuade people to vote for them. After each candidate was introduced, the crowd applauded. The crowd shouldn’t have applauded. There’s no reason to applaud someone for just showing up. I’m writing this at Tim Horton's. Nobody applauded when I walked in the door(but the girl behind the counter asked me how I was doing.)

Here are legitimate reasons to applaud (partial list only):

-         When someone does a magic trick
-         When your favourite hockey team scores a goal
-         When a little kid sings a song (even if he can’t sing)
-         When someone wins an Academy Award
-         When you finish watching a David Mamet play

Here are some reasons not to applaud (partial list only):

-         You just finished watching a movie (I don’t care if it’s Schindler’s List. The only reason to applaud following a movie is ifthe director is in attendance.)
-         When a politician shows up for something
-         When a bunch of people are being introduced and the last person hasn’t been introduced yet
-         When someone famous walks into a room(exception: The Fonz)
-         When someone scores a touchdown against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (anyone can do this)
-         When someone over the age of 21 celebrates a birthday (unless the age they are turning ends with a zero or every birthday after they turn 100)
-         When a professional wrestler or a reality show star does something
-         When someone does something heroic and then they walk into a room and someone starts clapping slowly and everyone else starts clapping too (screenwriters, please take note of this.)

And that is all I have to say about clapping – one hands or two.