Oct. 19: Lego vs thumbtacks
When I was 25, I noticed that “thumb tack” rhymes with
“bum crack.” This enabled me to compose a rhyming couplet that
amused my then girlfriend. Some time before that, the two of
us went to a hockey game between the Calgary Flames and the
Nashville Predators. The game ended in a 3-3 tie but what
made it notable was that a guy from England took off all his
clothes and began running around on the ice. In the car on
the way home, my girlfriend said: “It’s too bad he wasn’t
more hung.”
The person who gave me this note title is a mother of two children. I imagine that the inspiration for this title is that she has stepped on thumb tacks and Legos before and is curious as to what I think would be more painful.
I have never stepped on a thumb tack (and I am not about to) but I have stepped on Legos and those mothers hurt. It is enough to make me hate Denmark.
Shteevie hates me
-
I am typing this note as I watch the Calgary Flames play the Winnipeg Jets. The score is 1-1. I am in a restaurant called Shoeless Joe’s in Cornwall. My waitress has blonde hair and a piercing in her lip. She is bringing me a Sprite. I am going to write this note until the game is over. As such, it may have little to do with Legos or thumb tacks but I will try to keep coming back to them because that is the kind of guy I am.
I am now excited. I think this note is going to be really funny.
-
There is a commercial break. I am going to write about Heather, who is the person who gave me this note title. Here are things she likes: chicken wings, hockey, her dog, her kids, the Toronto Maple Leafs, the Calgary Flames, people with British accents …
I have to interrupt to tell you the Flames scored. Wraparound by rookie Johnny Gaudreau. Also, the song playing in the restaurant is No Doubt’s Hey Baby. I think this is appropriate.
Okay. More things Heather likes: Her sisters and brother, Lee Aaron’s music, playing pool, painting things, beer, driving a truck, wearing blue jeans, Amanda Marshall’s song Sunday Morning After.
Things Heather doesn’t like: stepping on thumbtacks or Legos.
Yay. Flames scored again. Mason Raymond this time. Score is now 3-1.
-
I wonder why they’re called thumbtacks. Probably because people push them into bulletin boards with their thumbs. That’s silly. The “prefix” thumb is redundant. I mean, do people ever go to the stationary store and say to the clerk: “I’d like to buy some tacks” and the clerk says back: “Thumbtacks or regular tacks?”
Tacks are tacks. We don’t say “I’d like to buy some hammer nails” do we? No, we don’t.
-
Lego comes from Denmark. I don’t know why that seems right. It just does. If Lego came from Norway or Ethiopia or Chad, I don’t think I’d like it. But Denmark? That’s just peachy.
Lego must be Danish for “awesome toy that will get sucked up the vacuum cleaner.”
Game is now in its second intermission.
-
This is probably a good time to write about the Beta-1 Command Base, which was my favourite Christmas present from 1983. It was a Space Lego toy and it featured a command centre, a small spaceship, a moon buggy, and a track one of the space Lego dudes could ride a cart on.
My friend, Matt, lived three houses down. Both of us had a whole lot of Space Lego and we used to play with it in his living room all the time. Then he got a computer and Space Lego stopped being fun.
I think my mom paid $50 for all this plastic
-
You can’t get Space Lego anymore. Now all you can get is Star Wars Lego. This is bad. Star Wars Lego is just Space Lego plus commercialism.
-
I am watching the hockey game on a TV that does not have volume (for some reason, Shoeless Joes is giving the volume to the NFL game between the Broncos and the 49ers. This is bad. We’re in Canada, people.) My TV is showing Ron MacLean, who is now mostly bald. He is interviewing a pretty blonde girl who looks like a cross between Jessica Simpson and a girl named Julie who I dated once in Saskatoon in 1999. The blonde girl played hockey for Canada in the last Olympics. I am seeing footage of her letting kids touch her gold medal.
Now there is a girl with long brown hair and a gray vest. She is interviewing a young girl who is a hockey player. I have no idea what they are saying. I think the girl is talking about how much she loves playing hockey. I wonder if she is saying “it totally sucks because if I had a penis, I wouldn’t have to work at Canadian Tire when I’m not playing hockey.”
I totally wish she would. Video would have gone viral.
-
One of the TVs is showing Dancing with the Stars. I am not wearing my glasses but I can vaguely make out a girl in a pink dress being twirled around by some dude in a dinner jacket.
I wonder if he played with Legos when he was a kid.
-
Here is what I ate at Shoeless Joe’s tonight: Spicy Thai chicken bites, hot wings, quinoa (pronounced keen-wa – which I think is an African word for “don’t eat this”) and chocolate cake. It will probably be the last restaurant meal I have until the new year.
-
If you’re a Canadian, you have to like the Winnipeg Jets at least a little bit. That’s because the Jets lost their team to Arizona – that everlasting hockey hotbed – because people smarter than me decided that hockey would be more popular in a city that doesn’t have winter. Well, the Jets came back and rejoined the NHL for the 2011-12 season and because of this, every Canadian should be happy because hockey belongs in Canada. I’m not saying the Winnipeg Jets have to be your favourite team, but they should at least be your second favourite team.
If you’re a Canadian and you are watching the Jets play the Florida Panthers and you are cheering for the Panthers, you are bad.
Flames scored again. It is now 4-1.
-
All the waitresses here have big boobs. I wonder if it’s a prerequisite to work here.
I look them in the eye though.
-
The camera is showing a Winnipeg Jets player sitting on the bench. He has a red beard. The announcer was probably sharing a personal tidbit about him, like “Mr. Hockey Player grew up in Timmins and his favourite player was Mario Lemieux. Today he plays for the Winnipeg Jets.”
-
A long time ago, my dad took me to a game between the Flames and the Jets at the old Corral, which is where the Flames used to play hockey. There was a big brawl in that game that cleared both of the benches. I asked my dad why everyone was fighting and he said that it’s hard to keep your temper when you’re playing hockey.
-
There are no hockey player Lego sets.
-
When I was a kid, I used to be a fan of the Boston Bruins. One year for Christmas, my dad got me a Boston Bruins pennant. I stuck it to my wall. Guess what I used to stick it there?
That’s right.
Thumbtacks.
-
Hey here’s a joke I just made up: Q. Why did the prom queen refuse to go on a date with a thumbtack? A. She found him tack-y.
-
Here’s another joke. Q: How do thumbtacks get around? A. In tack-zees.
-
Oh I slay me.
-
For an April Fool’s Day prank when we were in Grade 2, Dean Koeller put a thumbtack on Madame Lambert’s chair. I can still remember the pained expression that crossed her face when the sharp point of that tack punctured her buttock. She did not flip out at Dean but she told him that wasn’t nice.
Dean failed Grade 2.
-
I think the Flames are going to win this game.
-
The player with the red beard wears the number 18 and his last name is Little. He just won a faceoff. He didn’t score though.
-
There is a guy in the next booth who is eating chicken wings and French fries. He is watching the NFL game on the bigscreen. Behind me is a booth that is full of guys wearing baseball caps. One of them is telling a story about a guy named Murray. Apparently, Murray had some trouble returning a shirt. I don’t know what happened to Murray or the shirt. All I know is it was pretty funny because everyone is laughing.
Now there’s a truck commercial with a voice over by James Earl Jones.
-
Earlier today, the restaurant’s music system played two songs by Huey Lewis and the News. One of them was Stuck With You and the other was Heart of Rock and Roll. Huey Lewis is exactly seven years younger than my dad.
Huey Lewis lives on a ranch somewhere in Montana. I am betting that ranch has a few thumbtacks in it. I doubt it has Lego though but maybe it does. Huey could have grandchildren.
Look. I stole Bono's glasses
-
Well dang now I really want to hear some Huey Lewis and the News. I think I will listen to him when I drive back home tonight. It’s hip to be square.
The stupid James Earl Jones truck commercial just played a third time.
-
There is about a minute left in the game. I think I will pay my bill. In the meantime, I will declare that thumbtacks are better than Legos because I mentioned tacks 19 times in this note while Legos got 18.
-
There’s a lot of hoopla in the Broncos-49ers game because the Broncos’ quarterback, Peyton Manning, just threw the 509th touchdown pass of his career. This is a new NFL record.
Tonight, I witnessed history being made.
Yeah baby
-
My bill arrived. I owe the good people at Shoeless Joe’s a grand total of $37.26.
And now I must go.
The person who gave me this note title is a mother of two children. I imagine that the inspiration for this title is that she has stepped on thumb tacks and Legos before and is curious as to what I think would be more painful.
I have never stepped on a thumb tack (and I am not about to) but I have stepped on Legos and those mothers hurt. It is enough to make me hate Denmark.
Shteevie hates me-
I am typing this note as I watch the Calgary Flames play the Winnipeg Jets. The score is 1-1. I am in a restaurant called Shoeless Joe’s in Cornwall. My waitress has blonde hair and a piercing in her lip. She is bringing me a Sprite. I am going to write this note until the game is over. As such, it may have little to do with Legos or thumb tacks but I will try to keep coming back to them because that is the kind of guy I am.
I am now excited. I think this note is going to be really funny.
-
There is a commercial break. I am going to write about Heather, who is the person who gave me this note title. Here are things she likes: chicken wings, hockey, her dog, her kids, the Toronto Maple Leafs, the Calgary Flames, people with British accents …
I have to interrupt to tell you the Flames scored. Wraparound by rookie Johnny Gaudreau. Also, the song playing in the restaurant is No Doubt’s Hey Baby. I think this is appropriate.
Okay. More things Heather likes: Her sisters and brother, Lee Aaron’s music, playing pool, painting things, beer, driving a truck, wearing blue jeans, Amanda Marshall’s song Sunday Morning After.
Things Heather doesn’t like: stepping on thumbtacks or Legos.
Yay. Flames scored again. Mason Raymond this time. Score is now 3-1.
-
I wonder why they’re called thumbtacks. Probably because people push them into bulletin boards with their thumbs. That’s silly. The “prefix” thumb is redundant. I mean, do people ever go to the stationary store and say to the clerk: “I’d like to buy some tacks” and the clerk says back: “Thumbtacks or regular tacks?”
Tacks are tacks. We don’t say “I’d like to buy some hammer nails” do we? No, we don’t.
-
Lego comes from Denmark. I don’t know why that seems right. It just does. If Lego came from Norway or Ethiopia or Chad, I don’t think I’d like it. But Denmark? That’s just peachy.
Lego must be Danish for “awesome toy that will get sucked up the vacuum cleaner.”
Game is now in its second intermission.
-
This is probably a good time to write about the Beta-1 Command Base, which was my favourite Christmas present from 1983. It was a Space Lego toy and it featured a command centre, a small spaceship, a moon buggy, and a track one of the space Lego dudes could ride a cart on.
My friend, Matt, lived three houses down. Both of us had a whole lot of Space Lego and we used to play with it in his living room all the time. Then he got a computer and Space Lego stopped being fun.
I think my mom paid $50 for all this plastic-
You can’t get Space Lego anymore. Now all you can get is Star Wars Lego. This is bad. Star Wars Lego is just Space Lego plus commercialism.
-
I am watching the hockey game on a TV that does not have volume (for some reason, Shoeless Joes is giving the volume to the NFL game between the Broncos and the 49ers. This is bad. We’re in Canada, people.) My TV is showing Ron MacLean, who is now mostly bald. He is interviewing a pretty blonde girl who looks like a cross between Jessica Simpson and a girl named Julie who I dated once in Saskatoon in 1999. The blonde girl played hockey for Canada in the last Olympics. I am seeing footage of her letting kids touch her gold medal.
Now there is a girl with long brown hair and a gray vest. She is interviewing a young girl who is a hockey player. I have no idea what they are saying. I think the girl is talking about how much she loves playing hockey. I wonder if she is saying “it totally sucks because if I had a penis, I wouldn’t have to work at Canadian Tire when I’m not playing hockey.”
I totally wish she would. Video would have gone viral.
-
One of the TVs is showing Dancing with the Stars. I am not wearing my glasses but I can vaguely make out a girl in a pink dress being twirled around by some dude in a dinner jacket.
I wonder if he played with Legos when he was a kid.
-
Here is what I ate at Shoeless Joe’s tonight: Spicy Thai chicken bites, hot wings, quinoa (pronounced keen-wa – which I think is an African word for “don’t eat this”) and chocolate cake. It will probably be the last restaurant meal I have until the new year.
-
If you’re a Canadian, you have to like the Winnipeg Jets at least a little bit. That’s because the Jets lost their team to Arizona – that everlasting hockey hotbed – because people smarter than me decided that hockey would be more popular in a city that doesn’t have winter. Well, the Jets came back and rejoined the NHL for the 2011-12 season and because of this, every Canadian should be happy because hockey belongs in Canada. I’m not saying the Winnipeg Jets have to be your favourite team, but they should at least be your second favourite team.
If you’re a Canadian and you are watching the Jets play the Florida Panthers and you are cheering for the Panthers, you are bad.
Flames scored again. It is now 4-1.
-
All the waitresses here have big boobs. I wonder if it’s a prerequisite to work here.
I look them in the eye though.
-
The camera is showing a Winnipeg Jets player sitting on the bench. He has a red beard. The announcer was probably sharing a personal tidbit about him, like “Mr. Hockey Player grew up in Timmins and his favourite player was Mario Lemieux. Today he plays for the Winnipeg Jets.”
-
A long time ago, my dad took me to a game between the Flames and the Jets at the old Corral, which is where the Flames used to play hockey. There was a big brawl in that game that cleared both of the benches. I asked my dad why everyone was fighting and he said that it’s hard to keep your temper when you’re playing hockey.
-
There are no hockey player Lego sets.
-
When I was a kid, I used to be a fan of the Boston Bruins. One year for Christmas, my dad got me a Boston Bruins pennant. I stuck it to my wall. Guess what I used to stick it there?
That’s right.
Thumbtacks.
-
Hey here’s a joke I just made up: Q. Why did the prom queen refuse to go on a date with a thumbtack? A. She found him tack-y.
-
Here’s another joke. Q: How do thumbtacks get around? A. In tack-zees.
-
Oh I slay me.
-
For an April Fool’s Day prank when we were in Grade 2, Dean Koeller put a thumbtack on Madame Lambert’s chair. I can still remember the pained expression that crossed her face when the sharp point of that tack punctured her buttock. She did not flip out at Dean but she told him that wasn’t nice.
Dean failed Grade 2.
-
I think the Flames are going to win this game.
-
The player with the red beard wears the number 18 and his last name is Little. He just won a faceoff. He didn’t score though.
-
There is a guy in the next booth who is eating chicken wings and French fries. He is watching the NFL game on the bigscreen. Behind me is a booth that is full of guys wearing baseball caps. One of them is telling a story about a guy named Murray. Apparently, Murray had some trouble returning a shirt. I don’t know what happened to Murray or the shirt. All I know is it was pretty funny because everyone is laughing.
Now there’s a truck commercial with a voice over by James Earl Jones.
-
Earlier today, the restaurant’s music system played two songs by Huey Lewis and the News. One of them was Stuck With You and the other was Heart of Rock and Roll. Huey Lewis is exactly seven years younger than my dad.
Huey Lewis lives on a ranch somewhere in Montana. I am betting that ranch has a few thumbtacks in it. I doubt it has Lego though but maybe it does. Huey could have grandchildren.
Look. I stole Bono's glasses-
Well dang now I really want to hear some Huey Lewis and the News. I think I will listen to him when I drive back home tonight. It’s hip to be square.
The stupid James Earl Jones truck commercial just played a third time.
-
There is about a minute left in the game. I think I will pay my bill. In the meantime, I will declare that thumbtacks are better than Legos because I mentioned tacks 19 times in this note while Legos got 18.
-
There’s a lot of hoopla in the Broncos-49ers game because the Broncos’ quarterback, Peyton Manning, just threw the 509th touchdown pass of his career. This is a new NFL record.
Tonight, I witnessed history being made.
Yeah baby-
My bill arrived. I owe the good people at Shoeless Joe’s a grand total of $37.26.
And now I must go.
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