June 29: The art of manipulation
Being a magician, I think of something else whenever someone mentions
manipulation. Say that word to me and I think of Jeff McBride doing
amazing things with playing cards.
Of course, when most people talk about manipulation, they are usually speaking, scornfully, about someone they know.
"All that person does is manipulate other people everyday," they will say. "They manipulate people into buying them meals, driving them to the airport, it's just awful."
Yabbut... isn't manipulation at the core of our social interaction? Don't we manipulate other people everyday?
Maybe we need to define manipulation. I might define manipulation as "seeking to change a person's behaviour by employing subtleties." If I want my mom to invite my friend for dinner, I could just ask her. That's not manipulation. But if I go into the kitchen and ascertain that mom is cooking chicken and I tell her how much I love her chicken and then I tell her it's too bad that Bradley has to eat stale bread for supper again because his parents spent all their money at the casino. If my mom is smart (and she is) she will probably clue in that her son is manipulating her. If she's stupid, she may feel sorry for poor Bradley and invite him to stay for a chicken dinner.
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Any seasoned magician will tell you that manipulating your audience is key to a captivating performance. This is not a bad or an immoral thing because when you're watching a magic show, you're EXPECTING to be manipulated. A good magician knows that your attention can only be in one place at one time and if he can manipulate you into looking at his right hand, he will can do unspeakable things with his left.
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Think back on the last conversation you had with someone. Were you being manipulated? Were you trying to manipulate someone? You know what... probably yes to both. Say you're lying in bed and a friend is visiting. You're thirsty but you're too tired to get up. "Man, I'm parched," you say. "Let me get you some water," your friend says. You've just manipulated them into getting you a glass of water.
My brother has a dog. He loves his dog. One of the reasons people love dogs so much is they are so blunt when it comes to stating their intentions. Dogs don't manipulate. If they want to go outside, they'll let you know. If they want to eat your steak, they'll let you know. If they don't like the person visiting, they'll let you know. Maybe there's a lesson we can learn here. Brutal honesty is a great policy.
I myself have manipulated lots of people. When I was a teenager, I manipulated my parents into letting me stay home while the rest of the family went on a week-long vacation. I manipulated a landlord into giving me a two-bedroom apartment at a one-bedroom price (though he may have manipulated me into thinking that I was getting a deal.) In high school, I manipulated a teacher into giving me a passing grade. In junior high, I manipulated a bully into scoring himself a detention.
But I have been manipulated too. Once a fast-talking door-to-door salesman manipulated me into signing up for some environmental service that did nothing for me except deduct $50 from my wallet. A carnival barker once manipulated me into spending another $50 so I could win a $5 prize for the little girl I was with. Most recently, the mother of my child manipulated me into buying her a bag of potato chips. Her attempt at manipulation was far from subtle and I congratulated her on her attempt and, rather than deny that she'd been trying to manipulate me, she simply laughed.
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I guess the bottom line here is that psychological manipulation is a necessary skill. Psychopaths are master manipulators because their desires are unshackled to conscience. I have a small interest in the psychopathic mindset and I've read plenty of stories about psychopaths manipulating people into ostracizing their former social networks, emptying their bank accounts, exhorting copious amounts of food and sex and other goods, and then abruptly leaving after they grow bored.
Probably just as important as the ability to manipulate is the ability to detect when you're being manipulated. We have a word for people who lack this ability. It's called naîvete.
Of course, when most people talk about manipulation, they are usually speaking, scornfully, about someone they know.
"All that person does is manipulate other people everyday," they will say. "They manipulate people into buying them meals, driving them to the airport, it's just awful."
Yabbut... isn't manipulation at the core of our social interaction? Don't we manipulate other people everyday?
Maybe we need to define manipulation. I might define manipulation as "seeking to change a person's behaviour by employing subtleties." If I want my mom to invite my friend for dinner, I could just ask her. That's not manipulation. But if I go into the kitchen and ascertain that mom is cooking chicken and I tell her how much I love her chicken and then I tell her it's too bad that Bradley has to eat stale bread for supper again because his parents spent all their money at the casino. If my mom is smart (and she is) she will probably clue in that her son is manipulating her. If she's stupid, she may feel sorry for poor Bradley and invite him to stay for a chicken dinner.
-
Any seasoned magician will tell you that manipulating your audience is key to a captivating performance. This is not a bad or an immoral thing because when you're watching a magic show, you're EXPECTING to be manipulated. A good magician knows that your attention can only be in one place at one time and if he can manipulate you into looking at his right hand, he will can do unspeakable things with his left.
-
Think back on the last conversation you had with someone. Were you being manipulated? Were you trying to manipulate someone? You know what... probably yes to both. Say you're lying in bed and a friend is visiting. You're thirsty but you're too tired to get up. "Man, I'm parched," you say. "Let me get you some water," your friend says. You've just manipulated them into getting you a glass of water.
My brother has a dog. He loves his dog. One of the reasons people love dogs so much is they are so blunt when it comes to stating their intentions. Dogs don't manipulate. If they want to go outside, they'll let you know. If they want to eat your steak, they'll let you know. If they don't like the person visiting, they'll let you know. Maybe there's a lesson we can learn here. Brutal honesty is a great policy.
I myself have manipulated lots of people. When I was a teenager, I manipulated my parents into letting me stay home while the rest of the family went on a week-long vacation. I manipulated a landlord into giving me a two-bedroom apartment at a one-bedroom price (though he may have manipulated me into thinking that I was getting a deal.) In high school, I manipulated a teacher into giving me a passing grade. In junior high, I manipulated a bully into scoring himself a detention.
But I have been manipulated too. Once a fast-talking door-to-door salesman manipulated me into signing up for some environmental service that did nothing for me except deduct $50 from my wallet. A carnival barker once manipulated me into spending another $50 so I could win a $5 prize for the little girl I was with. Most recently, the mother of my child manipulated me into buying her a bag of potato chips. Her attempt at manipulation was far from subtle and I congratulated her on her attempt and, rather than deny that she'd been trying to manipulate me, she simply laughed.
-
I guess the bottom line here is that psychological manipulation is a necessary skill. Psychopaths are master manipulators because their desires are unshackled to conscience. I have a small interest in the psychopathic mindset and I've read plenty of stories about psychopaths manipulating people into ostracizing their former social networks, emptying their bank accounts, exhorting copious amounts of food and sex and other goods, and then abruptly leaving after they grow bored.
Probably just as important as the ability to manipulate is the ability to detect when you're being manipulated. We have a word for people who lack this ability. It's called naîvete.
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