July 31: Hello

Sometime in the 80s, Lionel Richie recorded a song called Hello. It is an icky song. He even made a music video of it. In it, a blind student falls in love with him and she makes a bust of his head out of clay. Lionel spends the video wearing a mustache and a Versace sweater.

Lionel: Very nice. Is this made of clay? Lady: No. Lionel: What then? Lady: I'll give you a hint, my family had tacos last night.

Lionel Richie is bad because his name is Lionel. All people named Lionel are bad. Seriously, ladies, would you date someone named Lionel? Imagine if some dude came up to you and said: “Hey baby, my name is Lionel, want to grab some Berk’s Fried Chicken and Dr. Pepper?” You’d be like: “Ewwwwww! No!”

This picture would describe my feelings more accurately if we removed the O.

Prince also wrote a song called Hello and it is a kickass song because Prince is using it to respond to his critics. In 1985, when America’s top pop music artists were recording We Are The World (coincidentally orchestrated, in part, by Lionel Richie) Prince said he didn’t want to sing on that song but he would contribute another song to the album (which he did, it’s called 4 the Tears in your eyes.)

Here is what Prince sings in his song, Hello:

I tried 2 tell them that I didn’t want 2 sing but I’d gladly write a song instead
They said okay and everything was cool‘ til a camera tried 2 get in my bed
I was sitting pretty with a beautiful friend when this man tries to get in my car
No introductions, no ‘how you been?’ just ‘smile, up yours, that’s right you’re a star
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If Rotating Pineapple were more popular (it’s not, almost no one reads it and sometimes I wonder why I bother) then this essay would invoke the wrath of Lionel Richie’s legions of fans. I just got on youtube to look for Lionel Richie’s Hello video. I can’t watch it because, for some reason, it’s not available in Canada (Lionel Richie must invoke our hate speech legislation.) I did get to see a clip from Lionel singing Hello in concert. He was in a packed auditorium that was filled with white ladies in their 50s and all of them were singing along. I guess Lionel just does it for people born in the 60s.
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I rarely say hello when I greet someone. I’ll usually say “Hey, how’s it going?” This strikes me as more cool, more hip, than “Hello.”

I think the reason I’m so a versed to Hello is the existence of Hello Kitty, which is probably the stupidest consumer product in the world. What is Hello Kitty? It’s a cat. That’s it. The cat doesn’t do anything. It doesn’t give people CPR or record country songs or raise cattle. It doesn’t even eat lasagna like its even more annoying cartoon feline counterpart, Garfield.

And I’m glad I mentioned Garfield because I don’t know what would be worse, being named Lionel or being named Garfield. I wonder if there’s a dude out there named Lionel who has a brother named Garfield. Probably not.

I don't do anything but earn billions of dollars every year