July 15: Waterslides and caviar

I don't belong to PETA but I'll come right out and I say that I refuse to eat caviar or fois gras because they're both very cruel. To make caviar, you have to take a live fish and slice its belly open and then let its eggs flop all over the floor. That's mean. I guess I could never be James Bond.

I suck at acting but I STILL get to make out with Diana Rigg.

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I just don't believe George Lazenby, who got to play James Bond in 1969's On Her Majesty's Secret Service, knew what he was talking about when he uttered the line: "Boiled Beluga. North of the Caspian" He had just finished beating up a henchman who was in the employ of his future father-in-law Marc-Ange Draco.

One of the awesome things about On Her Majesty's Secret Service is that James Bond comes the closest he's ever came to going down a waterslide. There's a sequence where he's sliding down an icy hill on his belly while shooting at people who are bad (they are bad because they are helping Blofeld take over the world by threatening germ warfare.)



On Her Majesty's Secret Service is also one of two Bond films to feature bobsleds (the other is For Your Eyes Only.) You could argue that a bobsled track is really a waterslide - it's just that the water is frozen. 

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I was watching The Spy Who Loved Me the other day. It is a mediocre Bond film that many Bond fans consider to be the best of the Roger Moore era. I disagree. I say Octopussy is. Octopussy's villain, Kamal Khan, had a vision that was much more realistic - he wanted to smuggle jewelry and set off a nuclear bomb at an American military base in East Germany, which would help the Soviet Union expand into Europe. This would be a bad thing but it is much more believable that the villain of The Spy Who Loved Me (Stromburg), who wants to start a nuclear war that will kill everyone on Earth so he can create a new world under the sea.

You know... I just don't believe that. Stromburg has hundreds of henchmen in his employ and I imagine that at least one of them would have family or friends who are part of that outside world that's set to be obliterated. For sure one of them would try to sabotage Stromburg's plans or, at the very least, contact some outside authorities to see if they could do something about it. (By the way, this is why I don't believe the nutty conspiracy theorists who want me to believe 9/11 was an inside job.)

My ambition is, at least, plausible

There are no waterslides in Octopussy, but Bond does get into a fight with someone where he falls into crocodile-infested water. There are no waterslides in On Her Majesty's Secret Service but there is a lot of water in that movie and there's one sequence toward the end where Bond goes riding across the ocean in a jet ski.

There is no caviar in The Spy Who Loved Me but there is a Bond girl named Major Anya Amasova. She is played by Barbara Bach and in 1981, she married Ringo Starr and they are still married today. Barbara Bach has done very little acting since.

Guess why I got cast? Hint: It wasn't my acting ability.

I'm sorry but I love James Bond and I love waterslides but I never want to see 007 in a waterslide park. There's no reason for him to go there. Waterslide parks are for eight-year-old girls in pink with black polka dots bathing suits. Not for James Bond.

A number of years ago, the producers decided that James Bond shouldn't smoke. Apparently, they didn't want smoking tobacco to be seen in a favourable light. They're okay with rampant sexism, promiscuity, and having a licence to kill - but nicotine? Perish the thought.

Second hand smoke is cruel. Whether it is crueler than caviar is something I leave to you, dear reader, to decide.