July 18: Pumpernickel
When I first heard the word Pumpernickel, I had no idea they were
talking about bread. Actually, I thought they were talking about
pickles. That's because I first heard the word in a Smurfs cartoon.
The premise of this particular episode was that there was this mean genie, whose name was Genie Meanie, who could be summoned by uttering the words "pumpernickel pickle." I think the genie was bound to grant you three wishes even though what he really wanted to do was be mean to people.
Of course this was a Smurfs cartoon so meanness didn't mean the genie would cut off your hands or give you the runs in a swimming pool or make you watch golf on television - no, his mean stunts were more G rated. He would smoosh a pie in your face, for example, or throw mud on your just washed sheets.
Anyway, Gargamel had learned about the existence of Genie Meanie and used him to wreak havoc on the Smurfs. Then Papa Smurf - that blue pint-sized deus ex machina - figured out the magic words and he summoned Genie Meanie and made him undo all his mean things. For the final wish, he wished that Genie Meanie never do anything mean again ever.
And that is why Genie Meanie stopped voted for the New Democrats.
-
That episode was produced in 1981, which means I had to be at least eight when I saw it. That would have put me in Grade 3. I was in a French Immersion school and the Smurfs were very popular there. Since we spoke French, we were forced to call the Smurfs by their French name, which was Schtroumphs.
Bloody stupid, if you ask me. Smurfs is a nonsense word anyway. Let's just call it the same thing no matter what country we're in.
-
There was a girl in my class named Melanie and she was crazy about the Schtroumphs. For Halloween, she came to school with blue makeup all over her face and a pillowcase on her head. She said she was a Schtroumph. I wore a cowboy hat and a domino mask and I told people I was the lone ranger.
Somewhere in there, our teacher wanted us to learn about competition. So she divided the class into four groups and I was in a group with Melanie, who the teacher picked as the leader. It was Melanie's job to come up with a name for her group and she, of course, chose "les Schtroumphs." I was one pissed off eight-year-old. Especially since my best friend, Jason, was the leader of his group and his team called itself the Jedis.
You know... I wonder who would win in a fight? Yoda or Papa Smurf?
-
Back to pumpernickel. I still didn't know it was a kind of bread. It actually sounds like a lewd sex act that's only legal in Alabama. Actually, the etymology of pumpernickel is pretty crude, but we'll get to that in a moment.
-
But I am older now and I know that pumpernickel is a kind of rye bread that, when sliced, looks like a bulletin board. There is a difference between bulletin boards and pumpernickel bread though - bulletin boards taste better.
You have a choice: You can eat me or you can cover me with calendars, photographs, and reminders.
-
Pumpern is actually an old German synonym for flatulant whereas nickel is a root word describing Satan. So pumpernickel really means devil's fart, which sounds like a Finnish improv group that performs Thursday mornings at 3 a.m. on the Adult Cartoon Network.
Pumpernickel bread is probably good for you - better than white Wonder bread anyway - but I'm not going to eat anything that might have come out of the devil's winkie. I am happy I don't have to feel bad about refusing to eat pumpernickel anymore.
-
Did you laugh when I used the word 'winkie?' I laughed the first time I heard it. I was 20 and I was in Richmond, BC, to visit my friend Cade and he was telling a story about a friend of his who suddenly had to use the bathroom while visiting the mall. He used the word 'winkie' and I found it hilarious and I laughed for about five minutes straight.
Later, Cade shared an old expression with me: "Up your winkie with a rotating pineapple."
And that, my friends, is how this blog gets its name.
The premise of this particular episode was that there was this mean genie, whose name was Genie Meanie, who could be summoned by uttering the words "pumpernickel pickle." I think the genie was bound to grant you three wishes even though what he really wanted to do was be mean to people.
Of course this was a Smurfs cartoon so meanness didn't mean the genie would cut off your hands or give you the runs in a swimming pool or make you watch golf on television - no, his mean stunts were more G rated. He would smoosh a pie in your face, for example, or throw mud on your just washed sheets.
Anyway, Gargamel had learned about the existence of Genie Meanie and used him to wreak havoc on the Smurfs. Then Papa Smurf - that blue pint-sized deus ex machina - figured out the magic words and he summoned Genie Meanie and made him undo all his mean things. For the final wish, he wished that Genie Meanie never do anything mean again ever.
And that is why Genie Meanie stopped voted for the New Democrats.
-
That episode was produced in 1981, which means I had to be at least eight when I saw it. That would have put me in Grade 3. I was in a French Immersion school and the Smurfs were very popular there. Since we spoke French, we were forced to call the Smurfs by their French name, which was Schtroumphs.
Bloody stupid, if you ask me. Smurfs is a nonsense word anyway. Let's just call it the same thing no matter what country we're in.
-
There was a girl in my class named Melanie and she was crazy about the Schtroumphs. For Halloween, she came to school with blue makeup all over her face and a pillowcase on her head. She said she was a Schtroumph. I wore a cowboy hat and a domino mask and I told people I was the lone ranger.
Somewhere in there, our teacher wanted us to learn about competition. So she divided the class into four groups and I was in a group with Melanie, who the teacher picked as the leader. It was Melanie's job to come up with a name for her group and she, of course, chose "les Schtroumphs." I was one pissed off eight-year-old. Especially since my best friend, Jason, was the leader of his group and his team called itself the Jedis.
You know... I wonder who would win in a fight? Yoda or Papa Smurf?-
Back to pumpernickel. I still didn't know it was a kind of bread. It actually sounds like a lewd sex act that's only legal in Alabama. Actually, the etymology of pumpernickel is pretty crude, but we'll get to that in a moment.
-
But I am older now and I know that pumpernickel is a kind of rye bread that, when sliced, looks like a bulletin board. There is a difference between bulletin boards and pumpernickel bread though - bulletin boards taste better.
You have a choice: You can eat me or you can cover me with calendars, photographs, and reminders.-
Pumpern is actually an old German synonym for flatulant whereas nickel is a root word describing Satan. So pumpernickel really means devil's fart, which sounds like a Finnish improv group that performs Thursday mornings at 3 a.m. on the Adult Cartoon Network.
Pumpernickel bread is probably good for you - better than white Wonder bread anyway - but I'm not going to eat anything that might have come out of the devil's winkie. I am happy I don't have to feel bad about refusing to eat pumpernickel anymore.
-
Did you laugh when I used the word 'winkie?' I laughed the first time I heard it. I was 20 and I was in Richmond, BC, to visit my friend Cade and he was telling a story about a friend of his who suddenly had to use the bathroom while visiting the mall. He used the word 'winkie' and I found it hilarious and I laughed for about five minutes straight.
Later, Cade shared an old expression with me: "Up your winkie with a rotating pineapple."
And that, my friends, is how this blog gets its name.
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