July 5: If I had a superpower, it would be...
If I had a super power, it would be to make restaurant and bar owners
– heck, everyone actually – be a lot more enthusiastic about hiring
magicians.
Yes, I would release my super power on the world and the next day, bar owners everywhere would wake up and say this:
“You know something? I have been doing a grave disservice to my loyal customers by only providing live music as entertainment. I can’t believe that for years, I thought that my patrons were just dying to see fifty-year-olds in pony tails doing bad covers of Margaritaville and Brown Eyed Girl. Well, now I know better. From now on, every Friday night is going to be Magic Night at my bar. I can’t wait to give magicians everywhere a little more work.”
Who cares about the Rolling Stones when we can watch Interlude?
Am I complaining? Maybe a little. Any professional magician will tell you that if you want to make a living at the craft, you’ve got to do a lot more than a flawless double lift or linking rings. Huh uh. You gotta network. You’ve got to pick up those phones and convince event planners that hiring you to do a magic show is the best way to make their trade show/party/hospitality suite the talk of the town.
In any case, musicians have an edge over magicians in that audiences can choose to actively pay attention to them or just let them serve as ambiance. Not true with magic or stand-up comedy or juggling or ventriloquism or stage hypnotism or puppet shows. No, you have to have a captive audience – preferably one where cocktail waitresses aren’t interrupting you three quarters of the way through your prize-winning gumball routine – if you want to put on a good show.
However, if I had to choose a superpower that would be comic book worthy, I would choose the ability to control time. I could freeze it, reverse it, and travel back and forward in it. I would not be the first superhero with this ability. One of the X-Men, I think, had it. She was a black woman named Heather Tucker but her superhero name was Tempo and if they made a movie out of her, she would probably be played by Halle Berry.
I would try not to use my powers for evil. Instead, I would use them in my magic act. I would do this illusion where I covered myself with a blanket and instantly, I disappeared and then instantly, I appeared in a chair in the middle of the audience. How I would do it is I would hold a blanket up and then I would freeze time and then I would leave the blanket suspended in the air and then I would run into the audience and push my way through the crowd of department store mannequins and sit in the chair and then I would unfreeze time and a few seconds later, I would collect my applause.
Stopping time would be a divine ability because it would totally disregard the laws of physics. I’m not sure a person would even be able to breathe if he were to stop time. Like, all those oxygen atoms that we breathe – they would stop spinning or doing whatever it is that oxygen atoms do. Probably you’d have to hold your breath if you were going to stop time, which means you’d only be able to do it for five seconds at a time.
But when you think about it, most superheroes have powers that would probably be a nuisance to society. I don’t imagine Spider-Man goes around to all those skyscrapers to clean off all the sticky web residue he leaves behind.
I told them to use Windex
Yes, I would release my super power on the world and the next day, bar owners everywhere would wake up and say this:
“You know something? I have been doing a grave disservice to my loyal customers by only providing live music as entertainment. I can’t believe that for years, I thought that my patrons were just dying to see fifty-year-olds in pony tails doing bad covers of Margaritaville and Brown Eyed Girl. Well, now I know better. From now on, every Friday night is going to be Magic Night at my bar. I can’t wait to give magicians everywhere a little more work.”
Who cares about the Rolling Stones when we can watch Interlude?Am I complaining? Maybe a little. Any professional magician will tell you that if you want to make a living at the craft, you’ve got to do a lot more than a flawless double lift or linking rings. Huh uh. You gotta network. You’ve got to pick up those phones and convince event planners that hiring you to do a magic show is the best way to make their trade show/party/hospitality suite the talk of the town.
In any case, musicians have an edge over magicians in that audiences can choose to actively pay attention to them or just let them serve as ambiance. Not true with magic or stand-up comedy or juggling or ventriloquism or stage hypnotism or puppet shows. No, you have to have a captive audience – preferably one where cocktail waitresses aren’t interrupting you three quarters of the way through your prize-winning gumball routine – if you want to put on a good show.
However, if I had to choose a superpower that would be comic book worthy, I would choose the ability to control time. I could freeze it, reverse it, and travel back and forward in it. I would not be the first superhero with this ability. One of the X-Men, I think, had it. She was a black woman named Heather Tucker but her superhero name was Tempo and if they made a movie out of her, she would probably be played by Halle Berry.
I would try not to use my powers for evil. Instead, I would use them in my magic act. I would do this illusion where I covered myself with a blanket and instantly, I disappeared and then instantly, I appeared in a chair in the middle of the audience. How I would do it is I would hold a blanket up and then I would freeze time and then I would leave the blanket suspended in the air and then I would run into the audience and push my way through the crowd of department store mannequins and sit in the chair and then I would unfreeze time and a few seconds later, I would collect my applause.
Stopping time would be a divine ability because it would totally disregard the laws of physics. I’m not sure a person would even be able to breathe if he were to stop time. Like, all those oxygen atoms that we breathe – they would stop spinning or doing whatever it is that oxygen atoms do. Probably you’d have to hold your breath if you were going to stop time, which means you’d only be able to do it for five seconds at a time.
But when you think about it, most superheroes have powers that would probably be a nuisance to society. I don’t imagine Spider-Man goes around to all those skyscrapers to clean off all the sticky web residue he leaves behind.
I told them to use Windex
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