Rotating Pineapple

Sometime in the 80s, Lionel Richie recorded a song called Hello. It is an icky song. He even made a music video of it. In it, a blind student falls in love with him and she makes a bust of his head out of clay. Lionel spends the video wearing a mustache and a Versace sweater. Lionel: Very nice. Is this made of clay? Lady: No. Lionel: What then? Lady: I'll give you a hint, my family had tacos last night. Lionel Richie is bad because his name is Lionel. All people named Lionel are bad. Seriously, ladies, would you date someone named Lionel? Imagine if some dude came up to you and said: “Hey baby, my name is Lionel, want to grab some Berk’s Fried Chicken and Dr. Pepper?” You’d be like: “Ewwwwww! No!” This picture would describe my feelings more accurately if we removed the O. Prince also wrote a song called Hello and it is a kickass song because Prince is using it to respond to his critics. In 1985, when America’s top pop music artists were recording We Are The Wo...

I think a lot of teenaged girls choose to have abortions because they’re afraid to tell their parents that they’re pregnant. I’m pro-life, which means I’ll never recommend anyone get an abortion. I won’t get into an anti-abortion screed here because everything that’s ever been said about abortion has been said already by people way smarter than me. What I will say is I don’t have a whole lot of patience for the people who want to outlaw abortion and then pass tax laws that will make it extremely difficult, if not impossible, for young mothers to raise their children. It’s easy to condemn abortion when you’re sitting in the throne room of your ivory tower, not so much when you’re smelling rotten garbage while you walk down a rain-soaked cracked sidewalk of the ghetto. And that’s all I’m going to say about this one.

Pocahontas is better than Mulan because Mulan is a Chinese legend and China is bad because they are taking away all our manufacturing jobs and they are killing babies because families aren’t allowed to have more than one kid. This makes China bad. Recently, I watched a documentary called It’s A Girl, which is about how often female fetuses get killed in India and China. In India it’s because of the stupid useless dowry system, which needs to be genocided from the face of the Earth. Sorry guys, but you don’t deserve a new car and a whole bunch of money just for marrying someone, that’s something you should buy yourself. In China, fetuses with two X chromozones are often murdered because (a) families are only allowed to have one child and (b) couples would rather have sons than daughters. For this reason, female fetuses are murdered or female babies are thrown in dumpsters and left to die. I have no idea how this note got so morbid. Maybe it’s because that documentary ...

Today’s title was given to me by a girl named Kayla, who wants me to write about her. Problem is, I don’t know much about her except for some personal things she told me and it would not be appropriate for me to share them here. Kayla is 15. She is wearing blue jean shorts and her hair is brown and curly. She is a pretty girl and she has a nice smile and she swears a lot but then again, most 15-year-olds swear a lot because they want to be more mature than they really are. Here are some facts about Kayla: Kayla has eaten Kraft Dinner before Kayla’s name has one vowel in it, but it appears twice (the Y in her name has consonant status) If you changed the first letter of Kayla’s name to an L, you’d have the name of an Eric Clapton song. Kayla has never met Elvis Presley Someone once bought Kayla a chocolate bar Kayla does not like to read, but she admits that she enjoyed the last book she had to read for school Kayla likes tacos Kayla sneezed at least fiv...

I never took the bus to school and this meant I got to sleep in. When you take the bus, you are at the mercy of someone else’s schedule. When you walk to school, you can wake up later. All you need is enough time to wolf down some breakfast, maybe grab a shower, and then race out the door. I used to enjoy sleeping in. I don’t enjoy it anymore and I don’t have much use for people who sleep in until two in the afternoon (unless they work the night shift.) I had to get up at five in the morning once and, by the time nine had rolled around, I was amazed at how much I had accomplished. My mother used to have a difficult time getting me out of bed. Like many teenagers, I enjoyed nighttime more than the day. The darkness of night evoked mystery and it was that that I longed for, not the humdrum predictable schedule that comes with day. On the weekends we would stay up all night. In junior high, it was Jason and Larry and me. We’d walk to McDonalds and then we’d walk to...

As providence would have it, I am writing this note while my son sleeps beside me. He is stirring a little, enjoying the gentle breeze wafting through the window, liking the feel of the cool pillow on his skin. He will sleep a while. He is almost 18 months old. He walks now. Actually, he runs. When I take him to the park, which I do fairly often, my kid takes off as soon as his feet touch the grass.If I were to let him run free, he would probably leave the park and walk all the way down to the Dairy Queen. A regular David Thompson my son is. What happened to my son? Just yesterday he couldn’t walk at all. Just yesterday he would grab my finger for dear life whenever I put it in his hand. Just yesterday he would suck on my nose, fall asleep in his swing and could fit in the crook of my arm. Today he has a full set of teeth. He likes to be held 24/7. His favourite things are watching Caillou, pushing his bubble mower and turning off my computer, preferably when I...

No.

If I was a shoe, I guess I'd join a church. After all, I'd be concerned about the welfare of my sole. - In the mid-70s, there was a Canadian kids show called Readalong, which encouraged young children to start reading. The host of the show was a talking boot, which is sort of like a shoe. A boot is just a tall shoe. Here is a picture of the talking boot: - If I was one of my shoes, I would ask to be thrown in the garbage. That's because I'm falling apart. The soles are as smooth as glass and there are so many holes in the top that you can see Shteevie's socks. Unfortunately, shoes will not be purchased anytime soon. There are more important things to buy at the moment. - Remember that penultimate scene from The Shawshank Redemption, the one where Andy Dufresne uses a rock hammer and a Rita Hayworth poster to escape from prison? Immediately preceding that, there's a scene showing Dufresne's last night in jail. Had anyone looked down at his...

I can find quiet quite easily, thank you very much. I can go home, lock the door, turn off the phone, and reward myself with four hours of uninterrupted writing. I could do it, but I won't. When you have a toddler, you have to put all your priorities on the back burner. Was a time when I could go home after work and indulge myself in an evening of writing or practicing my magic or just goofing off. But not anymore. My son needs me. My boy is almost 18 months old. Most nights, he goes home to sleep with me. We usually get home around nine or so and I play with him or read to him or tickle him or, if I'm feeling very ambitious, I'll give him a bath. He's going through an I-hate-baths phase right now and he turns into a shrieking banshee whenever I try to take him into the bathroom. But late at night, when the sun is down and the traffic on Main Street is gone, I will lay my son down and cuddle him and sometimes I will think about how three years ago, I didn...

Aerosmith wrote a song called Kings and Queens. It appears on their 1977 album Draw the Line. Fun fact: My real name happens to be Steven Tyler. I was born in 1973, the year Aerosmith released its debut self-titled album. When I was a teenager, I really wanted to believe I was named after Aerosmith's lead singer, but my mother assures me that was just a coincidence. My best friend, Jason, introduced me to Aerosmith when we were in Edmonton participating in a provincial junior high debating tournament (we were happening dudes, Jason and me.) We went into a record store and Jason came out with a copy of Aerosmith's Greatest Hits, which looked like this: As soon as we got back to our hotel room, Jason insisted that I listen to Aerosmith's version of Walk This Way. I'd only heard the Run DMC version and Jason thought it was imperative that I listen to the original. Today, almost 30 years later, I think Walk This Way is one of the greatest rock and roll song...

No one really knows what Bohemian rhapsody is about. Freddie Mercury took the secret to his grave but I suppose the surviving members of Queen could cough it up one day. As for me, I could care less. I'm just not a Queen fan. All I know is that Bohemian rhapsody would have slipped into obscurity had it not been resurrected by Mike Myers and Dana Carvey in the 1992 movie Wayne's World. The dude in the back seat later played Tobias Beecher on Oz. I was 19 when Wayne's World came out. I'd just got back from my first year in college and my brother, who was 14, all but insisted I go see Wayne's World with him. He'd seen it already and he knew that I was a big Alice Cooper fan. He wanted to see my reaction when Alice Cooper started lecturing Wayne and Garth about the history of Milwaukee. Milwaukee: Algonquin for 'The Good Land.' Full disclosure: It wasn't really a college I went to my first year. It was a Christian theatre guild school calle...

As a rule, leftovers are bad. I don't think I am alone in this. Most people think leftovers are bad. No one ever says: "You know what I feel like for supper? Leftover steak." People do say: "I feel like steak for supper" and when they say steak, they are probably thinking that the steak they want to eat should be sitting in the meat section of a grocery store somewhere - either sitting on a cellophane-wrapped styrofoam tray or in the showcase of the butcher's shop. Shameless plug time: That is the menu for Pizza Bank, which is the best pizza in the world. Nothing else even comes close - not Dominos, not Pizza Hut, not Boston Pizza or Pizza Pizza or any deep dish pizza in Chicago. Pizza Bank - which only exists at Glenmore Landing in Calgary, Alberta - is the undisputed world champion of awesome pizza. Seriously, if pizza was Greek mythology, Pizza Bank would be Zeus. Every other pizza on Earth would be Hermes. If you are ever in Calgary, ...

On my kitchen table at home, I have a book called The Art of Stage Hypnotism by Ormond McGill. I bought it about 25 years ago when I thought I might like to be a stage hypnotist. I gave up that dream when I tried to hypnotize a friend in my parents' basement and I failed miserably. Here is a picture of Ormond McGill, who is dead now: And here is a picture of the 12th president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, Spencer W Kimball: I always thought they looked alike but I am the only person in the world who would find that funny. - Ormond McGill was born in the same city that he died in, which is Palo Alto, California. Ormond McGill was considered the dean of American hypnotism. He probably liked raisins. He was also a magician. He wrote plenty of books about hypnotism, one of which was called The Secrets of Hypnotizing Women: How to Entrance and Charm Women, Communicate Subconsciously, Enhance Romance, Flirt Successfully, Sexually Enthrall. Anyone who...

When I first heard the word Pumpernickel, I had no idea they were talking about bread. Actually, I thought they were talking about pickles. That's because I first heard the word in a Smurfs cartoon. The premise of this particular episode was that there was this mean genie, whose name was Genie Meanie, who could be summoned by uttering the words "pumpernickel pickle." I think the genie was bound to grant you three wishes even though what he really wanted to do was be mean to people. Of course this was a Smurfs cartoon so meanness didn't mean the genie would cut off your hands or give you the runs in a swimming pool or make you watch golf on television - no, his mean stunts were more G rated. He would smoosh a pie in your face, for example, or throw mud on your just washed sheets. Anyway, Gargamel had learned about the existence of Genie Meanie and used him to wreak havoc on the Smurfs. Then Papa Smurf - that blue pint-sized deus ex machina - figured out ...

I have never been a fan of Robert Mugabe. I think he is a turd. If I was writing this in Zimbabwe, I would probably be executed for writing that. In fact, if you live in Zimbabwe, you probably can't read this. I bet Mugabe's ZANU-PF party censors everything. I am a conservative but Robert Mugabe is too conservative for me. I decided this very very early on, about 22 seconds after I learned who Robert Mugabe is. I was in Stettler, Alberta and the year was 2002 and I was interviewing a lady who had just come back from Zimbabwe, where she'd been volunteering her time helping the country organize its election. She brought with her an eight-page newspaper insert that totally redefined everything I knew about political smear campaigns. You know those nasty TV spots you see whenever a federal election is approaching - the ones where we learn that Governor so-and-so voted against expanding health care to seniors and how he wishes old people would just hurry up and die...

My magical mentor, Paul Alberstat, once told me the sad tale of Don Alan, a famous magician who died hating his colleagues. Don Alan was a genius and he invented something called the Invisible Deck, which is a hilarious and baffling magic routine that is done with a gimmicked deck of cards. You'd be hard pressed to find a magic store that doesn't sell Invisible Decks, which are billed as the most popular magic trick in the world. Mr. Alan would present the routine by handing a spectator an invisible deck. He'd have them shuffle, take out a card, look at it, turn it upside down, then put it back in the deck. Then he would "make" the deck turn visible. He'd fan through the cards, find one of them is upside down and - surprise surprise - it's the spectator's card. I bought my first Invisible Deck at a magic store in Calgary and I performed it the exact same way Don Alan did. The reason was that's the way the guy in the store demonstra...

I don't belong to PETA but I'll come right out and I say that I refuse to eat caviar or fois gras because they're both very cruel. To make caviar, you have to take a live fish and slice its belly open and then let its eggs flop all over the floor. That's mean. I guess I could never be James Bond. I suck at acting but I STILL get to make out with Diana Rigg. - I just don't believe George Lazenby, who got to play James Bond in 1969's On Her Majesty's Secret Service, knew what he was talking about when he uttered the line: "Boiled Beluga. North of the Caspian" He had just finished beating up a henchman who was in the employ of his future father-in-law Marc-Ange Draco. One of the awesome things about On Her Majesty's Secret Service is that James Bond comes the closest he's ever came to going down a waterslide. There's a sequence where he's sliding down an icy hill on his belly while shooting at people who are bad (they ar...

I guess it was five years ago in mid-October and I was sitting in the newspaper publisher's office. It was Wednesday morning so we were having our story meeting. Someone suggested that in November, all the men grow mustaches as part of the whole Movember campaign. "What's that all about?" I asked. "You're supposed to grow a mustache for November," my boss said. "It's supposed to raise awareness for prostate cancer." "If we really want to raise awareness for prostate cancer, maybe a better idea would be to spend the whole month wearing rubber gloves." I still remember the blank stare my publisher gave me. That stare either meant I was being disgusting or I was a comic genius. Probably both. - People who work at Subway have something in common with people who work in doctor's offices - they both go through gloves by the boxload. The Subway people change their gloves everytime they make a different sandwich...

Who among us hasn’t wished they could go back in time and have a do-over? Heck, I’ve probably wasted a good two years of my life wishing that very thing. Sometimes I think I’d go all the way back to Grade 1 so I could punch Matt Vermunt in the stomach for commandeering my Creepy Crawlers set. - The Creepy Crawlers set was a toy that allowed you to make beetles, centipedes, and all sorts of ugly scary things to make little girls shriek (this was the only reason I wanted it. I wanted to make the girls in my class shriek because they were yucky. Actually, I loved them but six-year-olds think scaring the shit out of someone is a great way to declare your love.) The Creepy Crawlers set came with four bottles of different coloured goop and three trays, each of which contained a myriad of moulds. How it worked was you found a crawlie you wanted to make, poured the appropriately coloured goop in the mold, put the mould in a makeshift kiln and then you flicked the power sw...

When summer sun beats down on me The crowds all come out for Stampede And at the ‘dome Kim Mitchell sings I wish I had a girl to bring. That’s from a song I wrote in 1989. I was 16 and lonely and my one biggest wish that summer was to have a girlfriend to take to Stampede. I didn’t have a girlfriend. I had a job selling ride coupons for Conklin Shows – the Stampede’s midway provider – and I was fired before the Stampede was even over because, apparently, some customers had complained that I was being rude.* So yeah, I couldn’t even do that right. Things didn’t improve over the next two summers and by the time I graduated from high school, I’d pretty much written myself off as the Calgary Stampede’s perennial dateless attendee. And then I met Candy. We met at a Calgary nightclub called Rotunda, where I was doing magic tricks. She actually asked me out and I was floored. She gave me her phone number and I called her the next night and asked her if she’d like to...

Richard Bachman (aka Stephen King) has a great quote about getting old in his novel Roadwork. He says 40 is the end of being young - then he amends it to say that 30 is the end of being young but 40 is when you stop kidding yourself. I think I first said I was getting old when I was in college. A friend thought it would be nice if he and I started taking martial arts classes together. I told him I thought I was too old to start that. Silly me. As if one has to be a preteen or a child before they can begin studying something. Ian Fleming didn't publish his first novel until he was in his 40s. - I think it was my 38th birthday when my mother decided to give me the gift of truly feeling my age. She suggested that my sister and I spend the morning tobogganning at Heritage Park (I mispelled tobogganning, I think, but that's a word that everyone mispells.) After two hours, my sister and I learned that the bodies of thirtysomethings were not designed for sleds. No, you mu...

My first key chain was a piece of string tied into a loop. On it hung a red key, which opened the front door to my family’s house in southwest Calgary. I guess I was in Grade 4 or Grade 5 and my parents had decided I was responsible enough to be home alone for an hour or so after school (they both worked.) I’m not sure where my sister and brother were during that time, but I was pretty stoked to get almost 60 minutes to read, play Atari, or just goof around. Soon I started garnering other keys. I had a bike lock. I got a job on the weekend sweeping up at a local printing press and I was given a key to the office. I needed a key chain. The key chain I was given was a rhombus-shaped tongue of red plastic. It was a promotional item handed out by a Calgary insurance company. In Grade 8, I made myself a key chain in shop class. I made it by pouring granules of plastic into a mold that was shaped like the flag of Canada. Stuck it in the over, waited a few minutes, and voila...

In my experience, the most vicious dogs are the tiny ones. I’ve only been bitten by a dog once. It was a Chihuahua. I was walking out of a hotel in southwest Calgary when this yapping little dog ran up behind me and sunk its fangs into the back of my calf. Drew blood too. I yelled and I kicked at it but it was already running back to its master – some spaced out old lady who was sitting serenely on a bench. I’m not the type to kick dogs, but I really wish my foot connected there. Had the dog bitten my then three-year-old niece, I would have turned it into doggie ground meat right then and there. I'll chew your big toe to shreds, creep In our society, we tend to put a dog to sleep if it bites someone. I’vebeen told that every dog has the capacity to bite; that we should never forget that dogs are, essentially, wild beasts. We used to have a shih tzu named Gizmo. Gizmo was afraid of pretty much everything and was just about the tamest dog you could ever meet. Some...

I hope Hollywood doesn’t remake the Breakfast Club. John Hughes teenaged classic couldn’t possibly be made today in this politically correct new millennium. In the 1980s, the Breakfast Club meant exactly what John Hughes wanted it to mean – that high school is a pretty awful time for anyone, no matter what social group kids belong to – and that maybe kids would find solidarity if they learned to put their differences aside and help each other get through adolescence. (A side note: I actually think the Breakfast Club is a shitty movie because it teaches that smoking marijuana is a great way to solve problems, but for the sake of this argument, let’s just pretend I agree with my fellow Gen X’ers when they say that the Breakfast Club is the 1980s’ Citizen Kane.) Don't you forget about me... but please forget that I'm an actor in my mid twenties playing a high school student The Breakfast Club starred five young actors – Molly Ringwald, Emilio Estevaz, Anthony Mich...