January 7: Prince vs. Lady Gaga
Prince is the most talented musician of the 20th century and if you
don't agree then you know nothing about music and you are a turd. Prince is better than
Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson was a better dancer but that is it.
Thriller, Beat it, Billie Jean - all of 'em take a back seat to Purple
Rain, which is the best rock and roll movie ever made.
I have been a huge Prince fan since the summer of 1990, when my best friend, Jason, urged me to rent Purple Rain at Video Show Place at Glenmore Landing, which is an outdoor shopping plaza in southwest Calgary. Glenmore Landing is also home to Pizza Bank, which is the best pizza in the world. Seriously, if every other pizza place in the world was Michael Jackson, Pizza Bank would be Prince.
I had never seen the movie Purple Rain before but I had listened to the soundtrack many times. There is a song on there called The Beautiful Ones. When Prince sings it, every womanfalls in love with him. This is why he doesn't play it in concert anymore. He can't take all those women falling in love with him. The Beautiful Ones is probably the best song of the 1980s and since the 1980s gave us the best music of all time, it stands to reason that The Beautiful Ones is the best song of all time.
I want to explore this Beautiful Ones phenomenon for a bit longer. In 1984, every woman in the world was in love with Prince (even lesbians and my grandmother.) What makes this amazing is that Prince was five-foot-one and he wore makeup and white lace. Even so, women who were six-foot-four and captains of the Yellowknife Women's Rugby Team wanted to marry him. It is hard to make women fall in love with you when you're five-foot-one and wearing white lace. Believe me, I tried (even though I am five-foot-six.)
I have seen Prince perform twice. The first time was in Calgary. It was the summer of 1997 and I had no one to go with, so I went with the sister of a girl named Anna who I worked with at West Canadian Graphics. The sister enjoyed the concert but she said the F-word a lot and that made me think she was a little weird.
I next saw Prince in Ottawa in 2011. I was with Val and Val can attest that my love of Prince is beyond reason. Once Val and I were watching the Academy Awards and they were coming up on a commercial break and the announcer said that the next Oscar presenter would be Prince. Here is what I did:
- Jumped up.
- Screamed "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."
- Sang lyrics from Prince songs.
- Danced.
- Hugged Val.
- Hugged Val's mom.
- Danced some more.
- Screamed "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" again.
Later I learned that there is this nightclub in Toronto that has Prince dance parties, which is to say that all they play all night long is Prince songs. I went twice - once with Nikky (not Darling Nikky) and once with AV. Alas, I did not know about them before Val moved to Europe. Val is probably secretly happy about that because if there's one thing she probably wouldn't enjoy, it would be a six-hour car drive listening to nothing but Purple Rain, Lovesexy, Sign O the Times and me screaming "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."
What is so amazing about Prince is that he's still incredible even though he hasn't released a great album in almost 20 years. Emancipation was good. Not great, but good. The last amazing album was The Gold Experience, which has the fantastic song Pussy Control - which is gutter feminism at its finest. The next track, endorphinmachine, will pump your body full of adrenaline no matter where you are. Even if you're dead.
Prince's career can be divided into two phases - the before he became a Jehovah's Witness phase and the after he became a Jehovah's Witness phase. Before his conversion, he still believed in God and his music fixated on the duality between having an insatiable sex drive and wanting to please his Lord. After his conversion, much of his music sounds like the Watchtower and a drum machine. Still, I think Prince would be more fun to be around after his conversion. I've heard stories about how bodyguards would beat up anyone who tried to get close to him. Indeed, I saw some of them in Cowboys, the Calgary nightclub Prince went to after his 1997 concert. Those bodyguards looked like refrigerators wearing earpieces.
Here are the best Prince songs ever (the word Prince could be removed from that sentence and it would still be true.) Every girl I have ever dated has a Prince song assigned to her.
- The Beautiful Ones (actually everything from the Purple Rain album except for Computer Blue)
- Let's Go Crazy (there exists a video of my friend, Ellen and me rocking out to this video while driving through Toronto and if you look closely enough in my videos, you'll find it)
- When Doves cry
- DMSR
- Little red Corvette
- Raspberry Beret
- Kiss (this song is perfect)
- New position
- Anotherloverholenyohead
- Play in the sunshine
- I could never take the place of your man (this is Val's favourite song EVER!!!)
- The cross
- Alphabet Street
- New Power Generation
- Diamonds and Pearls
- Cream
- The continental
- The morning papers
- Endorphinmachine
Anyway, the whole purpose of this note is to pit Prince against another pop star named Lady Gaga. Here is a picture of Lady Gaga:
I think Lady Gaga looks like she got attacked by a fully dressed hot dog at a Marcel Marceau lookalike contest. Not sure what she's trying to accomplish with this look, but I'll let it go at that and just get to the contest.
1. Ever wear a suit or dress made out of meat?
Prince: No.
Lady Gaga: Yes.
Advantage: Prince.
Score: Prince -1, Lady Gaga -0.
2. Ever let Weird Al parody one of your songs?
Prince: No.
Lady Gaga: You bet.
Score: Prince -1, Lady Gaga -1.
3. Are "Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Roma-roma-mamaa!" good lyrics for a song?
Prince: No.
Lady Gaga: Yes, honey.
Score: Prince -2, Lady Gaga- 1.
4. Ever kiss this woman?
Prince: Yes.
Lady Gaga: No.
Score: Prince - 8,000,000,002, Lady Gaga -1.
5. Number of your songs currently on Shteevie's iPod.
Prince: 218
Lady Gaga: A big fat goose egg.
Score: Prince - Infinity, Lady Gaga -1.
6. What was your involvement with Purple Rain?
Prince: Wrote most of the music and starred in it.
Lady Gaga: I wasn't born yet.
Score : Prince -Infinityx2, Lady Gaga -1.
No contest, folks. Prince kicks Lady Gaga's sputnik gender-bending bum bum ba bum.
This note is now over. Below is a youtube link to Prince singing The Beautiful Ones. It is ten billion times better than the version Beyonce sings. If you're a woman, you will fall in love with Prince. If you're a lesbian, you won't be after the song's over. Don't be ashamed about it. Baby, you were born that way.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wLan6y9V4iA
Have you seen Dr. Everything will be all right?
I have been a huge Prince fan since the summer of 1990, when my best friend, Jason, urged me to rent Purple Rain at Video Show Place at Glenmore Landing, which is an outdoor shopping plaza in southwest Calgary. Glenmore Landing is also home to Pizza Bank, which is the best pizza in the world. Seriously, if every other pizza place in the world was Michael Jackson, Pizza Bank would be Prince.
When Prince dresses like this, he gets the ladies. When I dress like this, I get beat up.
I had never seen the movie Purple Rain before but I had listened to the soundtrack many times. There is a song on there called The Beautiful Ones. When Prince sings it, every womanfalls in love with him. This is why he doesn't play it in concert anymore. He can't take all those women falling in love with him. The Beautiful Ones is probably the best song of the 1980s and since the 1980s gave us the best music of all time, it stands to reason that The Beautiful Ones is the best song of all time.
I want to explore this Beautiful Ones phenomenon for a bit longer. In 1984, every woman in the world was in love with Prince (even lesbians and my grandmother.) What makes this amazing is that Prince was five-foot-one and he wore makeup and white lace. Even so, women who were six-foot-four and captains of the Yellowknife Women's Rugby Team wanted to marry him. It is hard to make women fall in love with you when you're five-foot-one and wearing white lace. Believe me, I tried (even though I am five-foot-six.)
I have seen Prince perform twice. The first time was in Calgary. It was the summer of 1997 and I had no one to go with, so I went with the sister of a girl named Anna who I worked with at West Canadian Graphics. The sister enjoyed the concert but she said the F-word a lot and that made me think she was a little weird.
I next saw Prince in Ottawa in 2011. I was with Val and Val can attest that my love of Prince is beyond reason. Once Val and I were watching the Academy Awards and they were coming up on a commercial break and the announcer said that the next Oscar presenter would be Prince. Here is what I did:
- Jumped up.
- Screamed "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."
- Sang lyrics from Prince songs.
- Danced.
- Hugged Val.
- Hugged Val's mom.
- Danced some more.
- Screamed "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" again.
Later I learned that there is this nightclub in Toronto that has Prince dance parties, which is to say that all they play all night long is Prince songs. I went twice - once with Nikky (not Darling Nikky) and once with AV. Alas, I did not know about them before Val moved to Europe. Val is probably secretly happy about that because if there's one thing she probably wouldn't enjoy, it would be a six-hour car drive listening to nothing but Purple Rain, Lovesexy, Sign O the Times and me screaming "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."
What is so amazing about Prince is that he's still incredible even though he hasn't released a great album in almost 20 years. Emancipation was good. Not great, but good. The last amazing album was The Gold Experience, which has the fantastic song Pussy Control - which is gutter feminism at its finest. The next track, endorphinmachine, will pump your body full of adrenaline no matter where you are. Even if you're dead.
Would U please look at this mutha next 2 me...
Prince's career can be divided into two phases - the before he became a Jehovah's Witness phase and the after he became a Jehovah's Witness phase. Before his conversion, he still believed in God and his music fixated on the duality between having an insatiable sex drive and wanting to please his Lord. After his conversion, much of his music sounds like the Watchtower and a drum machine. Still, I think Prince would be more fun to be around after his conversion. I've heard stories about how bodyguards would beat up anyone who tried to get close to him. Indeed, I saw some of them in Cowboys, the Calgary nightclub Prince went to after his 1997 concert. Those bodyguards looked like refrigerators wearing earpieces.
Here are the best Prince songs ever (the word Prince could be removed from that sentence and it would still be true.) Every girl I have ever dated has a Prince song assigned to her.
- The Beautiful Ones (actually everything from the Purple Rain album except for Computer Blue)
- Let's Go Crazy (there exists a video of my friend, Ellen and me rocking out to this video while driving through Toronto and if you look closely enough in my videos, you'll find it)
- When Doves cry
- DMSR
- Little red Corvette
- Raspberry Beret
- Kiss (this song is perfect)
- New position
- Anotherloverholenyohead
- Play in the sunshine
- I could never take the place of your man (this is Val's favourite song EVER!!!)
- The cross
- Alphabet Street
- New Power Generation
- Diamonds and Pearls
- Cream
- The continental
- The morning papers
- Endorphinmachine
Anyway, the whole purpose of this note is to pit Prince against another pop star named Lady Gaga. Here is a picture of Lady Gaga:
Coming in last in the paintball fight...
I think Lady Gaga looks like she got attacked by a fully dressed hot dog at a Marcel Marceau lookalike contest. Not sure what she's trying to accomplish with this look, but I'll let it go at that and just get to the contest.
1. Ever wear a suit or dress made out of meat?
Prince: No.
Lady Gaga: Yes.
Advantage: Prince.
Score: Prince -1, Lady Gaga -0.
2. Ever let Weird Al parody one of your songs?
Prince: No.
Lady Gaga: You bet.
Score: Prince -1, Lady Gaga -1.
3. Are "Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Roma-roma-mamaa!" good lyrics for a song?
Prince: No.
Lady Gaga: Yes, honey.
Score: Prince -2, Lady Gaga- 1.
4. Ever kiss this woman?
What colour are my eyes?
Prince: Yes.
Lady Gaga: No.
Score: Prince - 8,000,000,002, Lady Gaga -1.
5. Number of your songs currently on Shteevie's iPod.
Prince: 218
Lady Gaga: A big fat goose egg.
Score: Prince - Infinity, Lady Gaga -1.
6. What was your involvement with Purple Rain?
Prince: Wrote most of the music and starred in it.
Lady Gaga: I wasn't born yet.
Score : Prince -Infinityx2, Lady Gaga -1.
No contest, folks. Prince kicks Lady Gaga's sputnik gender-bending bum bum ba bum.
This note is now over. Below is a youtube link to Prince singing The Beautiful Ones. It is ten billion times better than the version Beyonce sings. If you're a woman, you will fall in love with Prince. If you're a lesbian, you won't be after the song's over. Don't be ashamed about it. Baby, you were born that way.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wLan6y9V4iA
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