January 17: Nobody is named Cornelius anymore
I like Corn Flakes.
Corn Flakes is a good cereal. Pour some milk on it and whammo. You have a great way to start your day.
Some people don't like Corn Flakes. They prefer Frosted Flakes. Really what they're saying is: "I like Corn Flakes but they're not giving me diabetes fast enough."
More people like Frosted Flakes than Corn Flakes. This is why you see Tony the Tiger pitching them on YTV and during Saturday morning cartoons. They're G-r-r-r-r-reat! I guess diabetes is great too.
Everyone knows that Tony is the name of the Frosted Flakes tiger. Pop quiz: What is the name of the Corn Flakes rooster?
It's Cornelius.
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I know of only one real life person named Cornelius. That person is Cornelius Crane Chase, also known as Chevy Chase. Chevy Chase used to be my favourite actor. I used to think European Vacation was the funniest movie ever. Now I just think it's the fourth funnies movie ever. It is behind UHF, History of the World and the underrated John Belushi-Dan Aykroyd effort, Neighbors, which contained the immortal line "I wouldn't sell you my snot."
Now that Chevy Chase is 70 and appearing in fare like Community and the sequel to Hot Tub Time Machine, it seems appropriate that he do a commercial for Corn Flakes.
Why not? He already did one for Doritos.
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In Grade 7 I decided I wanted to have a party where I would invite boys and girls. I told everyone in the class that we were going to watch a Chevy Chase movie. No one was impressed. Not even Jadra, who I really wanted to have come to the party.
Now, 30 years later, I have never met anyone else named Jadra. I also haven't met a Cornelius. If Cornelius the rooster is married, I hope his wife's name is Jadra.
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Jadra played the flute. This is important.
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Chevy Cornelius Gravy Chesterfield Crane Coopersmith Copper Top Battery Chase was very tall and he got to kiss Goldie Hawn at the end of Foul Play (1978)
and he also got to get close to Jane Seymour in Oh Heavenly Dog. Here is a picture of Jane Seymour and Chevy on the cover of Playgirl. Will you now join me in prayer that the magazine does not have a picture of Cornelius Crane naked?
Of course we should not forget the American railroad tycoon, Cornelius Vanderbilt, who was able to spend all his spare time building his empire because no woman wanted to date a man named Cornelius Vanderbilt. Probably a few would have dated him after he acquired his fortune of $2 billion, but that's another story altogether.
You know, now that I think about it, people named Cornelius seem to turn out okay. They become railroad tycoons or breakfast cereal icons or they get to go skinny dipping with supermodels who used to be married to Billy Joel.
And I think we now know why men aren't named Cornelius anymore. It's because Christy Brinkley finds them irresistible. The male gender just couldn't take that much attention.
Affectionately yours,
Cornelius aka Shteevie.
Wow! It worked. Look who just showed up at my door.
Umm... tomorrow's note may be a little... late.
Corn Flakes is a good cereal. Pour some milk on it and whammo. You have a great way to start your day.
Some people don't like Corn Flakes. They prefer Frosted Flakes. Really what they're saying is: "I like Corn Flakes but they're not giving me diabetes fast enough."
More people like Frosted Flakes than Corn Flakes. This is why you see Tony the Tiger pitching them on YTV and during Saturday morning cartoons. They're G-r-r-r-r-reat! I guess diabetes is great too.
Everyone knows that Tony is the name of the Frosted Flakes tiger. Pop quiz: What is the name of the Corn Flakes rooster?
It's Cornelius.
*
I know of only one real life person named Cornelius. That person is Cornelius Crane Chase, also known as Chevy Chase. Chevy Chase used to be my favourite actor. I used to think European Vacation was the funniest movie ever. Now I just think it's the fourth funnies movie ever. It is behind UHF, History of the World and the underrated John Belushi-Dan Aykroyd effort, Neighbors, which contained the immortal line "I wouldn't sell you my snot."
Now that Chevy Chase is 70 and appearing in fare like Community and the sequel to Hot Tub Time Machine, it seems appropriate that he do a commercial for Corn Flakes.
Why not? He already did one for Doritos.
Bevery D'Angelo was Al Pacino's main squeeze - but if it wasn't for me she wouldn't be famous
*
In Grade 7 I decided I wanted to have a party where I would invite boys and girls. I told everyone in the class that we were going to watch a Chevy Chase movie. No one was impressed. Not even Jadra, who I really wanted to have come to the party.
Now, 30 years later, I have never met anyone else named Jadra. I also haven't met a Cornelius. If Cornelius the rooster is married, I hope his wife's name is Jadra.
*
Jadra played the flute. This is important.
*
Chevy Cornelius Gravy Chesterfield Crane Coopersmith Copper Top Battery Chase was very tall and he got to kiss Goldie Hawn at the end of Foul Play (1978)
and he also got to get close to Jane Seymour in Oh Heavenly Dog. Here is a picture of Jane Seymour and Chevy on the cover of Playgirl. Will you now join me in prayer that the magazine does not have a picture of Cornelius Crane naked?
Of course we should not forget the American railroad tycoon, Cornelius Vanderbilt, who was able to spend all his spare time building his empire because no woman wanted to date a man named Cornelius Vanderbilt. Probably a few would have dated him after he acquired his fortune of $2 billion, but that's another story altogether.
You know, now that I think about it, people named Cornelius seem to turn out okay. They become railroad tycoons or breakfast cereal icons or they get to go skinny dipping with supermodels who used to be married to Billy Joel.
And I think we now know why men aren't named Cornelius anymore. It's because Christy Brinkley finds them irresistible. The male gender just couldn't take that much attention.
Affectionately yours,
Cornelius aka Shteevie.
Wow! It worked. Look who just showed up at my door.
Umm... tomorrow's note may be a little... late.
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