January 24: The biochemistry of the bathtub
I rarely bathe. This is because I am a guy. Guys shower. They don't
bathe. Bathing is for women. Seriously, if someone says: "When I get
home from work, the first thing I'm going to do is unwind in a hot
bath," I assume the speaker is a woman. When a man gets home from work,
he unwinds by eating raw meat, punching something and then watching Dr.
No.
About 15 years ago, my parents renovated the basement and had a downstairs bathroom installed. They did not put in a bathtub, only a shower. That's because my brother and I lived downstairs and we didn't need to bathe. If we were chicks, there would have to be a bathtub AND another electrical outlet so we could do our hair.
(Side note: One of the glass walls of the shower fell out about 13 years ago and it was never replaced. For more than a decade, the hole has been covered by a garbage bag and a whole lot of duct tape.)
Now my apartment has a shower and I rarely get to use it because everytime I step into the shower, my kid starts to cry. My kid always cries when I am about to do something fun or relaxing without him. I can't read because he will grab the book and a. throw it, b. try to eat it, or c. bang it on the floor over and over again and scream: "Waa waa waa waa waa." In fact, I am only able to write this because my kid is sleeping beside me.
Earlier today, I gave my kid a bath. My kid is a boy and since he is only 11 months old, he is not a guy yet, which means he can have a bath. When he is old enough (like two) I will tell him that baths are only for girls and that he has to start showering now. Also, he doesn't dry off with a towel anymore. Now he uses steel wool. That's right, kiddo. You're on the road to guyhood.
I should point out that the biochemistry of my bathtub has changed a lot over the 10-and-a-half years that I've called this apartment home. The tub is a typical tub. White. Porcelain. Rust stain around the drain. For 10 years, the showerhead did not attach to the wall. I had to hook it into a towel rack or just hold it in my hand. It was only recently that I hemmed at my landlord to stick it to the wall, which he did with caulk. People who have showered in my apartment before probably wish I did it sooner.
But my bathtub is different now because of all the baby oil and baby shampoo and baby pee it has absorbed. I was bathing my kid the other day and I was just done scrubbing him so he was squeaky clean and then he stood up in the tub and he peed and he looked at me and laughed and then he plopped back down and started splashing his pee all over himself and I refused to wash him again. I pulled him out and dried him off and then I dressed him in his jammies, even though he smelled a little of pee, but that's okay because the jammies were the Winnipeg Jets ones that were given to me by my kids' godfather as a Christmas present.
Anyway, I have an idea for bathtub manufacturers - make all tubs pink. Men won't buy a pink tub. Not because it's pink but because it's a tub. Also, all standup showers should be made of stainless steel and the drains should be extra wide so they can accommodate the snot because all men use their hands as snotrags when they shower.
When I shower, I use that Axe men's shampoo. I buy it because it says shampoo on it and because the bottle is black and it doesn't have pictures of koala bears or jungle streams or fresh apricots on the label. I don't have time to read labels. I go to the grocery store to buy meat and Dr. Pepper, not read shampoo labels to see if the shampoo has been fortified with calcium bobo nitrate dandruff murdering boogeyboogeyboo.
So I take the Axe shampoo home and I wash my hair and I am NOT tackled by supermodels who want to stick their tongues in my ear (this happens in the commercials) and the shampoo has the consistency of paint. It is either red or yellow, depending on which bottle I grab. One of them is supposed to smell like cinnamon and the other is supposed to smell like honey. One of these shampoo manufacturers should make a shampoo that smells like barbecued steak. Then men would really be interested.
SUFFER!!!
About 15 years ago, my parents renovated the basement and had a downstairs bathroom installed. They did not put in a bathtub, only a shower. That's because my brother and I lived downstairs and we didn't need to bathe. If we were chicks, there would have to be a bathtub AND another electrical outlet so we could do our hair.
(Side note: One of the glass walls of the shower fell out about 13 years ago and it was never replaced. For more than a decade, the hole has been covered by a garbage bag and a whole lot of duct tape.)
Now my apartment has a shower and I rarely get to use it because everytime I step into the shower, my kid starts to cry. My kid always cries when I am about to do something fun or relaxing without him. I can't read because he will grab the book and a. throw it, b. try to eat it, or c. bang it on the floor over and over again and scream: "Waa waa waa waa waa." In fact, I am only able to write this because my kid is sleeping beside me.
Earlier today, I gave my kid a bath. My kid is a boy and since he is only 11 months old, he is not a guy yet, which means he can have a bath. When he is old enough (like two) I will tell him that baths are only for girls and that he has to start showering now. Also, he doesn't dry off with a towel anymore. Now he uses steel wool. That's right, kiddo. You're on the road to guyhood.
I should point out that the biochemistry of my bathtub has changed a lot over the 10-and-a-half years that I've called this apartment home. The tub is a typical tub. White. Porcelain. Rust stain around the drain. For 10 years, the showerhead did not attach to the wall. I had to hook it into a towel rack or just hold it in my hand. It was only recently that I hemmed at my landlord to stick it to the wall, which he did with caulk. People who have showered in my apartment before probably wish I did it sooner.
But my bathtub is different now because of all the baby oil and baby shampoo and baby pee it has absorbed. I was bathing my kid the other day and I was just done scrubbing him so he was squeaky clean and then he stood up in the tub and he peed and he looked at me and laughed and then he plopped back down and started splashing his pee all over himself and I refused to wash him again. I pulled him out and dried him off and then I dressed him in his jammies, even though he smelled a little of pee, but that's okay because the jammies were the Winnipeg Jets ones that were given to me by my kids' godfather as a Christmas present.
Anyway, I have an idea for bathtub manufacturers - make all tubs pink. Men won't buy a pink tub. Not because it's pink but because it's a tub. Also, all standup showers should be made of stainless steel and the drains should be extra wide so they can accommodate the snot because all men use their hands as snotrags when they shower.
When I shower, I use that Axe men's shampoo. I buy it because it says shampoo on it and because the bottle is black and it doesn't have pictures of koala bears or jungle streams or fresh apricots on the label. I don't have time to read labels. I go to the grocery store to buy meat and Dr. Pepper, not read shampoo labels to see if the shampoo has been fortified with calcium bobo nitrate dandruff murdering boogeyboogeyboo.
So I take the Axe shampoo home and I wash my hair and I am NOT tackled by supermodels who want to stick their tongues in my ear (this happens in the commercials) and the shampoo has the consistency of paint. It is either red or yellow, depending on which bottle I grab. One of them is supposed to smell like cinnamon and the other is supposed to smell like honey. One of these shampoo manufacturers should make a shampoo that smells like barbecued steak. Then men would really be interested.
SUFFER!!!
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