January 15: 51 days in Area 51 - Origins of Kim
The following journal was delivered to me last week. All I know is that the person who wrote it claims to be named Kim.
Day 1
Hello. My name is Kim. I just won a holiday to Area 51. I am here now. It is fun. My suite has a waterbed and colour television and a tablet so I can check my email and play candy crush and watch Toddlers & Tiaras on youtube. The toilet has blue water in it and the shower curtain has pictures of Mickey Mouse. There is room service too and I am getting chicken nuggets and Tahiti Treat. Ooh, Sex and the City is on. Gotta go.
Day 2
I woke up at 5 a.m. to a really big bang. The glass door that opens on to the balcony shattered and the screen of my tablet cracked. I called the nice lady at the front desk and she said it was caused by a sonic boom that was done by an experimental aircraft. My ears are bleeding. Last night I dreamed that I was a monkey.
Day 3
There was a Star Wars marathon on TV and I watched all six movies back-to-back-to back. I ate chocolate ice cream and I played the harp. Funny, I never remember practising the harp but now I can play it like I'm part of an orchestra. I want to wear a daisy in my hair.
Day 4
The lady at the front desk, whose name is Crystal, came up to my room so we could play Clue together. We fought over who got to be Miss Scarlet. Crystal brought her boyfriend, Chris, who was Professor Plum. He won. Somehow, he knew that Colonel Mustard did it in the library with the lead pipe. He didn't even have to make any suggestions. He just accused and won. I think he cheated.
Day 5
There was a knock at my door early this morning. It was Ray Charles. Ray told me that I should leave Area 51 because it isn't safe. I thought Ray Charles was dead.
Day 6
Today I found out that I can shoot yellow beams of light out of my mouth. It only works when I am looking at radishes.
Day 7
Everyone who works at the Area 51 resort rubs Cheez Whiz into their armpits. They say it stops them from sweating and it keeps the clowns away.
Day 8
The swimming pool has re-opened after three months of repairs. There were only two people in it though - me and Tom Selleck, who used to play Magnum PI on TV. I hardly recognized him because he didn't have his mustache. He says he hates croutons and has never been to Malaysia.
Day 9
Tom Selleck offered to take me for a ride in the Ferrari he drove on Magnum PI. We drover to a 1950s theme diner at the south end of Area 51. There was a chain link fence at the edge and there were a whole bunch of tourists on the other side. They were taking pictures and asking for autographs. Chuck E Cheese was there. Tom bought me a cheeseburger and a strawberry milkshake. Tomorrow we are going to write haikus.
Day 10
Tom and I wrote a haiku together. It goes like this: This is a haiku. Area 51 sucks. I want to go home.
Day 11
I thought Area 51 would have a theme park and a wave pool and all kinds of exotic restaurants. It doesn't. All they do is test top secret military equipment all day long. They still haven't repaired my patio window so it gets cold at night. Last night, a squirrel got into my room. It peed in the blue toilet water. Now it's green.
Day 12
Tom Selleck was burned at the stake for committing the grand crime of eating walnuts before lunch. As he burned, the fire turned white. When I went back to my room, I saw that all my hair had fallen out. Also, I can't talk and I have an insatiable desire for oatmeal.
Day 13
Crystal and Chris handcuffed me in my sleep and took me down to the secret lab eight stories beneath the ground at Area 51. There they brought Tom Selleck's burned corpse back to life. They want me to star with him/it in a new reality show called KIM AND DEAD TOM SELLECK AT AREA 51. I refused. (Well, all I did was shake my head. Can't talk. Remember?)
Day 14
The Coke machine followed me home from mime class. I locked myself in the bathroom and when I came out it was there, waiting for me.
Day 15
Tom Selleck came back to life and said he wanted to squeeze a whole bottle of mustard into my belly button. He did it too. I never knew my belly button was that deep.
Day 16
I bought a stepladder.
Day 17
Sick day. I spent the day in the jacuzzi and watched Bill Cosby's movie GHOST DAD five times in a row. Tom Selleck is jealous of my stepladder. I gave it to him. I don't think I'll need a stepladder anytime soon.
Day 18
There was a parade in the middle of Area 51 today. There were three marching bands (all playing Twist and Shout by the Beatles.) The parade marshall was Big Bird. They handed out daisies to everyone. Area 51 is about 36 square miles. They are talking about building a mall here.
Day 19
The mall was built. I asked Crystal how they could build a mall in a day and she said because everyone who lives in Area 51 gets super powers. I asked her what her super power is and she said she is able to bring dead celebrities back to life (this would explain Tom Selleck and Ray Charles.) Her boyfriend is able to build shopping malls in five seconds (his superhero name is Mall Man.) I asked Crystal (I can talk again) what my super power would be and she said I'd have to wait until I was done changing.
Day 20
I went to the garden to look at radishes and yellow beams of light started shooting of my nose, mouth, ears and unmentionable parts. The yellow beams of light didn't do much, but one of them did hit a blade of grass and turned it into a ladybug.
Day 21
Crystal brought Colonel Sanders back to life. She said she really wanted Kentucky Fried Chicken and wanted original recipe, not modern KFC recipe. The colonel obliged, mixing his famous blend of herbs and spices into a bowl and then frying up a batch of his original cluck cluck cluck. Then it was time for him to die again. Chris did it by making a strip mall appear on his head. Now is he is crushed beneath an Ardene, Dollar Store and Abercrombie & Fitch.
Day 22
I can plug the television into my armpit. Very strange. Somehow, my armpit channels electricity. But now, all the TV will show is the Bill Cosby movie GHOST DAD. I want my stepladder back.
Day 23
I have developed a terrible rash on my arm. The rash looks like the Batman logo. Crystal brought Jim Morrison back to life so that everyone at Area 51 could go to a Doors concert. I'm so excited. I couldn't get much higher.
Day 24
TOM SELLECK AND JIM MORRISON AND CRYSTAL HAVE OPENED A SUSHI RESTAURANT. It is called Tom Selleck, Jim Morrison and Crystal's Sushi emporium. Tom is the host, Jim serves cocktails and Crystal makes the sushi. She makes the best unagi rolls. Yummy. Problem is that sometimes Tom Selleck's mustache hairs falls in the wasabe. I hate this. Bad!!!
Day 25
Apparently, I have been hallucinating most of what I've written about over the past 24 days. Sorry. The patio window is not broken and the TV shows more things than GHOST DAD and the toilet water is red, not blue. And Crystal said that she would never eat Kentucky Fried Chicken in a gazillion years. She's a vegetarian.
Day 26
Jim Morrison has left Ara 51 because he is going to be the new spokesperson for Ovaltine. Now the only people I know here are Crystal, Chris and Tom Selleck. My hair has grown back and it it twice the length it was when I first got here. Crystal is coming by tonight so she can dye it pink.
Day 27
I bought another stepladder.
Day 28
Today, a helicopter that was loaded with grapefruits crashed in the middle of Area 51. A great big crocodile ran out of the forest and ate most of them. I brought a handful of grapefruits back to the hotel, only to see that they had all turned purple. Tom Selleck tells me that I should eat them all because it will make my super powers materialize faster.
Day 29
I asked Tom Selleck what his super power is. He said it was being able to get acting jobs. I told him I thought it was being able to grow a kickass mustache. Tom Selleck smiled at me and told me he likes my pink hair. Tonight we are going dancing.
Day 30
Tom Selleck and I have just returned from square dancing at the Area 51 Community Centre. The music was provided by a mariachi band from Berklee. I didn't get their names but the violin player seemed very nice and she thanked us all for coming out to the square dance. She said that seeing us there brought her great joy.
Day 31
Tom Selleck's ears are producing way too much ear wax. He came to my room tonight to watch GHOST DAD and eat Easter Creme Eggs when I noticed that there was enough wax coming out of his ear to fill a cereal bowl. I went to the bathroom to get some Q-tips and when I came back, Tom was buried beneath a pile of ear wax (I could only see one eyeball and his mustache.) I started to scream but when I opened my mouth, a big yellow beam of light shot out and melted the ear wax. I can't tell you how grossed out I was to see Tom Selleck sitting in a pool of melted ear wax. I told him to go home and he did. I ate the rest of the Easter Creme Eggs.
Day 32
Tom Selleck is leaving Area 51. There is something in the atmosphere that aggravates his ears. Also, he has fallen in love with Crystal and that is making Chris jealous (but Crystal says she would never leave Chris, even for an amazing rich actor who drives a Ferrari.) I told Crystal I would be lonely because Tom Selleck and I had become pretty good friends over the past four weeks and she promised to resurrect another dead celebrity to be my friend until my stay at Area 51 is over.
Day 33
Crystal has resurrected Milton Berle, aka Uncle Miltie, aka Mister Television, aka host of NBC's Texaco Theatre, to be my friend until my stay here is up. Milton Berle is a real gentleman and has already offered to take me out for a sausage dinner. I wish he would stop smoking cigars though. They're stinky.
Day 34
Milton Berle and I found an unopened can of tuna fish in the playground near the north side of Area 51. We were going to pick it up when some soldiers jumped out of a nearby truck and told us to put it down. We did. As I walked home, I was shaking. I will never touch tuna fish again.
Day 35
It's my birthday. Milton Berle bought me a stepladder and Crystal treated me for sushi. Also, Milton Berle is now the assistant manager at the sushi restaurant and Crystal has offered me a job as head dishwasher. I have decided to accept.
Day 36
My first day went great. There were only three diners today so my work was minimal. And I didn't need soap or water either. All I did was open my mouth and blast the dishes with yellow beams of light. When I was done. The dishes were clean. Crystal was so happy that she gave me a bonus of three dollars and eight cents.
Day 37
7-Up is now the official soft drink of Area 51. I don't know why this is important. It just is.
Day 38
They have relocated Mount Everest to Area 51. It took eight years and 43 billion dollars and the cooperation of the United Nations, but they did it. The resort where I am staying is a mere five feet away from the base of the mountain. Tomorrow, Milton Berle and I are going to climb it.
Day 39
Milton Berle and I made it to the top of Mount Everest. From up here we can see the sushi restaurant, the big mall, and the small stripmall that stands over the corpse of Colonel Sanders. OMG I just realized I have not been to the big mall yet. I am so going tomorrow.
Day 40
Just got back from the mall. I went to Suzy Creamcheese and bought jeans and a purple shirt with a panda on it. Also I went to the music store and bought myself a piano and a violin. I also bought myself a pair of glasses. I don't need glasses but I believe violinists always look better when they wear them.
Day 41
The big mall is gone. A giant mutant gorilla escaped from the Area 51 zoo last night and ate it. The soldiers at Area 51 had to kill it by unleashing a top secret nuclear bomb into its mouth. Boom! Now Area 51 smells like monkey meat. Also, I can fly.
Day 42
Crystal is jealous of me because I can fly. She says she wishes her superpower included flight. I dunno... I think resurrection is a better ability. I mean... who's cooler? Dr. Frankenstein or the Wright brothers?
Day 43
Well I can't really fly. I can float, but not fly. And I can only float about five feet. And I can only do it for, like eight seconds, then I get tired and I fall back down (twisted my ankle today while floating while Milton Berle and I were on the mini golf course.)
Day 44
Milton Berle is dead. Heart attack. Crystal says she doesn't want to resurrect him again. She says I only have a week left and I should spend my time trying to harvest my super power.
Day 45
I went to the book store in the big mall and bought FIGURING OUT YOUR SUPER POWER AT AREA 51 FOR DUMMIES. It told me that I should climb to the top of Mount Everest (I have to do that again), sit in the lotus position for three hours and think about former Calgary Flames captain Jarome Iginla. Then my purpose will become more clear.
Day 46
I climbed to the top of Mount Everest (was easier now that I can float a little) and did what the book said. After three hours, Jarome Iginla appeared on a flying carpet and told me that my super power had to do with yellow light. I kinda knew that. He said more would become clear to me when I got down the mountain.
Day 47
Had to sleep on the mountain tonight. Too much rain.
Day 48
Crystal brought me into my room and had me look in the toilet. It was dirty. She said it was the only toilet left on Area 51 that worked and so everyone was using it (that's 3,128 people using MY toilet.) They always flushed but never scrubbed it. My toilet looked almost as dirty as one in Taco Bell. Crystal made me open my mouth and look at the toilet. I did and a big heavy yellow light beam shot out of my mouth and when I was done, the toilet bowl was sparkly clean. I was so overjoyed, I fainted.
Day 49
Crystal told me that my superpower is that I am able to harvest magical yellow beams of light that can make any bodily fluid disappear. So if someone barfs on themself or makes a mess in their pants after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken, I can help them.
Day 50
I have a new name for my superhero self - It is The Dry Cleaner. Crystal is making me a costume. It will be pink and black.
Day 51
Today I leave Area 51 with a new purpose in life. Before I came here, I was a dental hygienist in Boise. Now I am a superhero. I will travel the world and I will search out bleeding or barfing or spitting or peeing people and I will clean them up. I am going to track down Tom Selleck. He will be the Robin to my Batman.
Day 1
Hello. My name is Kim. I just won a holiday to Area 51. I am here now. It is fun. My suite has a waterbed and colour television and a tablet so I can check my email and play candy crush and watch Toddlers & Tiaras on youtube. The toilet has blue water in it and the shower curtain has pictures of Mickey Mouse. There is room service too and I am getting chicken nuggets and Tahiti Treat. Ooh, Sex and the City is on. Gotta go.
Day 2
I woke up at 5 a.m. to a really big bang. The glass door that opens on to the balcony shattered and the screen of my tablet cracked. I called the nice lady at the front desk and she said it was caused by a sonic boom that was done by an experimental aircraft. My ears are bleeding. Last night I dreamed that I was a monkey.
Day 3
There was a Star Wars marathon on TV and I watched all six movies back-to-back-to back. I ate chocolate ice cream and I played the harp. Funny, I never remember practising the harp but now I can play it like I'm part of an orchestra. I want to wear a daisy in my hair.
Day 4
The lady at the front desk, whose name is Crystal, came up to my room so we could play Clue together. We fought over who got to be Miss Scarlet. Crystal brought her boyfriend, Chris, who was Professor Plum. He won. Somehow, he knew that Colonel Mustard did it in the library with the lead pipe. He didn't even have to make any suggestions. He just accused and won. I think he cheated.
Day 5
There was a knock at my door early this morning. It was Ray Charles. Ray told me that I should leave Area 51 because it isn't safe. I thought Ray Charles was dead.
Day 6
Today I found out that I can shoot yellow beams of light out of my mouth. It only works when I am looking at radishes.
Day 7
Everyone who works at the Area 51 resort rubs Cheez Whiz into their armpits. They say it stops them from sweating and it keeps the clowns away.
Day 8
The swimming pool has re-opened after three months of repairs. There were only two people in it though - me and Tom Selleck, who used to play Magnum PI on TV. I hardly recognized him because he didn't have his mustache. He says he hates croutons and has never been to Malaysia.
Day 9
Tom Selleck offered to take me for a ride in the Ferrari he drove on Magnum PI. We drover to a 1950s theme diner at the south end of Area 51. There was a chain link fence at the edge and there were a whole bunch of tourists on the other side. They were taking pictures and asking for autographs. Chuck E Cheese was there. Tom bought me a cheeseburger and a strawberry milkshake. Tomorrow we are going to write haikus.
Day 10
Tom and I wrote a haiku together. It goes like this: This is a haiku. Area 51 sucks. I want to go home.
Day 11
I thought Area 51 would have a theme park and a wave pool and all kinds of exotic restaurants. It doesn't. All they do is test top secret military equipment all day long. They still haven't repaired my patio window so it gets cold at night. Last night, a squirrel got into my room. It peed in the blue toilet water. Now it's green.
Day 12
Tom Selleck was burned at the stake for committing the grand crime of eating walnuts before lunch. As he burned, the fire turned white. When I went back to my room, I saw that all my hair had fallen out. Also, I can't talk and I have an insatiable desire for oatmeal.
Day 13
Crystal and Chris handcuffed me in my sleep and took me down to the secret lab eight stories beneath the ground at Area 51. There they brought Tom Selleck's burned corpse back to life. They want me to star with him/it in a new reality show called KIM AND DEAD TOM SELLECK AT AREA 51. I refused. (Well, all I did was shake my head. Can't talk. Remember?)
Day 14
The Coke machine followed me home from mime class. I locked myself in the bathroom and when I came out it was there, waiting for me.
Day 15
Tom Selleck came back to life and said he wanted to squeeze a whole bottle of mustard into my belly button. He did it too. I never knew my belly button was that deep.
Day 16
I bought a stepladder.
Day 17
Sick day. I spent the day in the jacuzzi and watched Bill Cosby's movie GHOST DAD five times in a row. Tom Selleck is jealous of my stepladder. I gave it to him. I don't think I'll need a stepladder anytime soon.
Day 18
There was a parade in the middle of Area 51 today. There were three marching bands (all playing Twist and Shout by the Beatles.) The parade marshall was Big Bird. They handed out daisies to everyone. Area 51 is about 36 square miles. They are talking about building a mall here.
Day 19
The mall was built. I asked Crystal how they could build a mall in a day and she said because everyone who lives in Area 51 gets super powers. I asked her what her super power is and she said she is able to bring dead celebrities back to life (this would explain Tom Selleck and Ray Charles.) Her boyfriend is able to build shopping malls in five seconds (his superhero name is Mall Man.) I asked Crystal (I can talk again) what my super power would be and she said I'd have to wait until I was done changing.
Day 20
I went to the garden to look at radishes and yellow beams of light started shooting of my nose, mouth, ears and unmentionable parts. The yellow beams of light didn't do much, but one of them did hit a blade of grass and turned it into a ladybug.
Day 21
Crystal brought Colonel Sanders back to life. She said she really wanted Kentucky Fried Chicken and wanted original recipe, not modern KFC recipe. The colonel obliged, mixing his famous blend of herbs and spices into a bowl and then frying up a batch of his original cluck cluck cluck. Then it was time for him to die again. Chris did it by making a strip mall appear on his head. Now is he is crushed beneath an Ardene, Dollar Store and Abercrombie & Fitch.
Day 22
I can plug the television into my armpit. Very strange. Somehow, my armpit channels electricity. But now, all the TV will show is the Bill Cosby movie GHOST DAD. I want my stepladder back.
Day 23
I have developed a terrible rash on my arm. The rash looks like the Batman logo. Crystal brought Jim Morrison back to life so that everyone at Area 51 could go to a Doors concert. I'm so excited. I couldn't get much higher.
Day 24
TOM SELLECK AND JIM MORRISON AND CRYSTAL HAVE OPENED A SUSHI RESTAURANT. It is called Tom Selleck, Jim Morrison and Crystal's Sushi emporium. Tom is the host, Jim serves cocktails and Crystal makes the sushi. She makes the best unagi rolls. Yummy. Problem is that sometimes Tom Selleck's mustache hairs falls in the wasabe. I hate this. Bad!!!
Day 25
Apparently, I have been hallucinating most of what I've written about over the past 24 days. Sorry. The patio window is not broken and the TV shows more things than GHOST DAD and the toilet water is red, not blue. And Crystal said that she would never eat Kentucky Fried Chicken in a gazillion years. She's a vegetarian.
Day 26
Jim Morrison has left Ara 51 because he is going to be the new spokesperson for Ovaltine. Now the only people I know here are Crystal, Chris and Tom Selleck. My hair has grown back and it it twice the length it was when I first got here. Crystal is coming by tonight so she can dye it pink.
Day 27
I bought another stepladder.
Day 28
Today, a helicopter that was loaded with grapefruits crashed in the middle of Area 51. A great big crocodile ran out of the forest and ate most of them. I brought a handful of grapefruits back to the hotel, only to see that they had all turned purple. Tom Selleck tells me that I should eat them all because it will make my super powers materialize faster.
Day 29
I asked Tom Selleck what his super power is. He said it was being able to get acting jobs. I told him I thought it was being able to grow a kickass mustache. Tom Selleck smiled at me and told me he likes my pink hair. Tonight we are going dancing.
Day 30
Tom Selleck and I have just returned from square dancing at the Area 51 Community Centre. The music was provided by a mariachi band from Berklee. I didn't get their names but the violin player seemed very nice and she thanked us all for coming out to the square dance. She said that seeing us there brought her great joy.
Day 31
Tom Selleck's ears are producing way too much ear wax. He came to my room tonight to watch GHOST DAD and eat Easter Creme Eggs when I noticed that there was enough wax coming out of his ear to fill a cereal bowl. I went to the bathroom to get some Q-tips and when I came back, Tom was buried beneath a pile of ear wax (I could only see one eyeball and his mustache.) I started to scream but when I opened my mouth, a big yellow beam of light shot out and melted the ear wax. I can't tell you how grossed out I was to see Tom Selleck sitting in a pool of melted ear wax. I told him to go home and he did. I ate the rest of the Easter Creme Eggs.
Day 32
Tom Selleck is leaving Area 51. There is something in the atmosphere that aggravates his ears. Also, he has fallen in love with Crystal and that is making Chris jealous (but Crystal says she would never leave Chris, even for an amazing rich actor who drives a Ferrari.) I told Crystal I would be lonely because Tom Selleck and I had become pretty good friends over the past four weeks and she promised to resurrect another dead celebrity to be my friend until my stay at Area 51 is over.
Day 33
Crystal has resurrected Milton Berle, aka Uncle Miltie, aka Mister Television, aka host of NBC's Texaco Theatre, to be my friend until my stay here is up. Milton Berle is a real gentleman and has already offered to take me out for a sausage dinner. I wish he would stop smoking cigars though. They're stinky.
Day 34
Milton Berle and I found an unopened can of tuna fish in the playground near the north side of Area 51. We were going to pick it up when some soldiers jumped out of a nearby truck and told us to put it down. We did. As I walked home, I was shaking. I will never touch tuna fish again.
Day 35
It's my birthday. Milton Berle bought me a stepladder and Crystal treated me for sushi. Also, Milton Berle is now the assistant manager at the sushi restaurant and Crystal has offered me a job as head dishwasher. I have decided to accept.
Day 36
My first day went great. There were only three diners today so my work was minimal. And I didn't need soap or water either. All I did was open my mouth and blast the dishes with yellow beams of light. When I was done. The dishes were clean. Crystal was so happy that she gave me a bonus of three dollars and eight cents.
Day 37
7-Up is now the official soft drink of Area 51. I don't know why this is important. It just is.
Day 38
They have relocated Mount Everest to Area 51. It took eight years and 43 billion dollars and the cooperation of the United Nations, but they did it. The resort where I am staying is a mere five feet away from the base of the mountain. Tomorrow, Milton Berle and I are going to climb it.
Day 39
Milton Berle and I made it to the top of Mount Everest. From up here we can see the sushi restaurant, the big mall, and the small stripmall that stands over the corpse of Colonel Sanders. OMG I just realized I have not been to the big mall yet. I am so going tomorrow.
Day 40
Just got back from the mall. I went to Suzy Creamcheese and bought jeans and a purple shirt with a panda on it. Also I went to the music store and bought myself a piano and a violin. I also bought myself a pair of glasses. I don't need glasses but I believe violinists always look better when they wear them.
Day 41
The big mall is gone. A giant mutant gorilla escaped from the Area 51 zoo last night and ate it. The soldiers at Area 51 had to kill it by unleashing a top secret nuclear bomb into its mouth. Boom! Now Area 51 smells like monkey meat. Also, I can fly.
Day 42
Crystal is jealous of me because I can fly. She says she wishes her superpower included flight. I dunno... I think resurrection is a better ability. I mean... who's cooler? Dr. Frankenstein or the Wright brothers?
Day 43
Well I can't really fly. I can float, but not fly. And I can only float about five feet. And I can only do it for, like eight seconds, then I get tired and I fall back down (twisted my ankle today while floating while Milton Berle and I were on the mini golf course.)
Day 44
Milton Berle is dead. Heart attack. Crystal says she doesn't want to resurrect him again. She says I only have a week left and I should spend my time trying to harvest my super power.
Day 45
I went to the book store in the big mall and bought FIGURING OUT YOUR SUPER POWER AT AREA 51 FOR DUMMIES. It told me that I should climb to the top of Mount Everest (I have to do that again), sit in the lotus position for three hours and think about former Calgary Flames captain Jarome Iginla. Then my purpose will become more clear.
Day 46
I climbed to the top of Mount Everest (was easier now that I can float a little) and did what the book said. After three hours, Jarome Iginla appeared on a flying carpet and told me that my super power had to do with yellow light. I kinda knew that. He said more would become clear to me when I got down the mountain.
Day 47
Had to sleep on the mountain tonight. Too much rain.
Day 48
Crystal brought me into my room and had me look in the toilet. It was dirty. She said it was the only toilet left on Area 51 that worked and so everyone was using it (that's 3,128 people using MY toilet.) They always flushed but never scrubbed it. My toilet looked almost as dirty as one in Taco Bell. Crystal made me open my mouth and look at the toilet. I did and a big heavy yellow light beam shot out of my mouth and when I was done, the toilet bowl was sparkly clean. I was so overjoyed, I fainted.
Day 49
Crystal told me that my superpower is that I am able to harvest magical yellow beams of light that can make any bodily fluid disappear. So if someone barfs on themself or makes a mess in their pants after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken, I can help them.
Day 50
I have a new name for my superhero self - It is The Dry Cleaner. Crystal is making me a costume. It will be pink and black.
Day 51
Today I leave Area 51 with a new purpose in life. Before I came here, I was a dental hygienist in Boise. Now I am a superhero. I will travel the world and I will search out bleeding or barfing or spitting or peeing people and I will clean them up. I am going to track down Tom Selleck. He will be the Robin to my Batman.
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