January 1: The photocopier bully

My dad used to sell photocopiers. He hated it. He did it because it was the only job he could find. When he came home from work, I would ask him how his day went. “Everyday is the same,” he said. “I don't like my job at all.”

I felt bad for my dad. I thought it was terrible that he worked a job he didn't like. I think I asked him once why he didn't try to find a better job. He said he was trying. I couldn't figure out why he didn't just go get another job as a radio sportscaster. Then again, I was only 10. I believed jobs grew on trees.

*

The title of this note is The Photocopier Bully and it was inspired by my friend, Jessica, who I call Dessi.

Dessi is married to a man named Carlos. My father, the former photocopier salesman, officiated at their wedding. My dad is now a pastor. I dated Dessi when I was 25. My dad also sold real estate and did sportscasting for the Calgary Flames and the Calgary Cannons, which used to be the farm team of the Seattle Mariners in the Pacific Coast League.

*

Since I have no real world experience with photocopier bullies, the only way I could get through this note would be to make something up. I can do that because I have absolute freedom when I write these notes. I can write fiction, non-fiction, haikus, knock-knock jokes – I can even draw pictures if I want.

But I don't want to now.

Here is a haiku about a photocopier bully:

THIS IS MY XEROX.DON'T YOU TOUCH THIS GREAT MACHINE.I'LL USE IT ALL DAY.

*

I did have an office bully once. Her name was Nan. She was a lesbian.

We worked together at a newspaper in Ontario and she was PMS'ing pretty much all the time. Once she yelled at me because I didn't clean the camera room to her liking. Her screaming got so bad that I had to ask our supervisor to intervene. He did but it didn't do much. Sometimes Nan was in a good mood.

Actually, she probably was more than I remember. Once she bought me supper. I had fish and chips.

*

Here is a story about a photocopier bully. It is fiction. I made it up.

Once there was a man named Bob. Bob worked in an office. Bob was wearing a white shirt with a blue tie. He was also wearing pants.

Bob was holding a piece of paper in his hand. On the paper was a pie chart. The pie chart showed how many people were buying paperclips in Shteevie Stationary Stores throughout 2013. Bob had to make a presentation to the board of directors. Bob's research would inform them whether they should continue selling paper clips.

But as Bob approached the photocopier, a groan escaped his esophagus. Jack was hogging the photocopier. Jack always hogged the photocopier. He had a tent next to it so he never had to leave. Jack worked in accounting but he never photocopied anything work-related. Here are some of the things Jack had photocopied over the years:

⁃    his bum  
⁃    the lyrics of John Cougar Mellencamp's song Jack and Diane  
⁃    six pages from the New York City phone book  
⁃    a picture of his wife's chin 
⁃    a TV guide article about why Bea Arthur loved doing Golden Girls  
⁃    an ad from Redbook for frosted Mini Wheats  
⁃    boxscores from the New Zealand Rugby League  
⁃    a takeout menu from Yu Hang Chinese Restaurant  
⁃    a complete list of everyone in Boise, Idaho who does not like Ovaltine  
⁃    names of everyone who played third base for the Cleveland Indians  
⁃    sheet music for Chim Chimeree from Mary Poppins  
⁃    three pages from Martin Scorsese's 1990 movie, Goodfellas (the scene where Joe Pesci gets killed.)  
⁃    an eight of clubs he found in the silverware drawer in the company kitchen.

But there were many more things Jack had photocopied. He always insisted on making 500 copies of each item, meaning an entire ream was needed everytime he needed a copy. Even worse was that he insisted on burning 499 of those copies right there in front of the photocopier. He would wave the flaming pages in the air and scream the songs from CATS and then the sprinkler system would come on and Jack's hair would get wet and then the photocopier would short circuit and begin spewing sparks and the management would have to buy a new one.

So far, the company has purchased 6,394 photocopiers in one year. They're in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Bob did not like this. Not one bit. He tried to get management to fire Jack or buy more photocopiers but they refused. It was a union issue.

So Bob gave Jack a square of aluminum foil and told him to photocopy it. Jack did. He put the foil on the glass surface, punched in the number 500, and started to sing.

But then something amazing happened. When the light thingee scanned the aluminum foil, the foil acted as a mirror and bright light bounced everywhere throughout the room. Soon the room was so bright that Jack was blinded. He started to scream and flail his arms and eventually he tripped on a fire extinguisher and fell out the window and died.

And there was peace in the photocopier room from then on.

*

Dessi will not like the violent ending of this story. She would prefer it if Bob and Jack went to the waterslides.

SLIDES!

*

I don't think I have ever seen Dessi and a photocopier together. I'm sure she's used them. She's worked in a few schools and offices so she probably has.

If Dessi encountered Jack, she would probably tell him that he was acting like a selfish lout and that he should vote for the New Democrats. She would tell him that he should wear black berets and eat chicken wings at the Hose & Hydrant and that he should buy a fish and name it after a famous artist.

*

My dad was a good photocopier salesman. In Grade 10, he sold so many photocopiers that he won a trip to Barbados. He took my mom. They came back with three shirts for me. I still have one of them. I am not allowed to wear it around my mom because it is out of style and it embarrasses her. They brought me the shirt in 1989. It looks like it might have been worn by an extra from Miami Vice.

Here is a picture of me wearing the hideously outdated turquoise muscle shirt from 1989:

There was another shirt that was blue with white flowers on it. I wore it to school once and a guy named Ian and his girlfriend, Cindy, started calling me “Magnum.”

My friend, Jamie , liked that shirt and he borrowed it from me so he could wear it while he was playing bass with his band, Deathwatch, which my other friend, Jay, sang for. I never saw the shirt again.

*

I am not mad at Jamie, who is actually funnier than me. When we were in high school, Jamie could improvise a story for hours on end and people would laugh uproariously. I was jealous of that ability and I tried to emulate it, but I failed. I never knew how to share the spotlight or even just get out of the spotlight when someone else is in it.

My best friend, Jason, had the same problem, which might have been why we were such good friends.

*

This note is getting out of hand, which always happens on the first day of the month. This note is in the style of Kurt Vonnegut. Dessi likes Kurt Vonnegut too.

*

It would be wrong to photocopy a Kurt Vonnegut novel. Authors should be paid for their work. If you photocopy a novel and give it to someone else, you are a bully. As Harry Lorayne said at least once every issue of his now defunct magic magazine Apocalypse: “Remember, if you Xerox this magazine, you lessen its worth to you.”

Wise words. Don't be a photocopier bully.

Or any kind of bully for that matter.

Inspiration; Dessi