January 11: If my life had a narrator
Narrator: It is 7 in the morning and Shteevie opens his eyes. He
knows he should get up. His body has told him that it has had enough
rest and now Shteevie should get on with his day.
Shteevie: Shut up.
Narrator: He won’t though. He will lie in bed and finally roll out around 8:45, which will give him enough time to shave, pee, and eat a granola bar before he runs across the street to work.
Shteevie: Uhhh.
Narrator: Right now, Shteevie is lying there, thinking about how much he could accomplish in that extra hour. He could do some writing or practice some magic…
Shteevie: Okay, Ms. Narrator. I’ll get up.
Narrator: Now Shteevie gets up and goes into the kitchen to make breakfast. He opens the cubboard and sees a box of Quaker Instant Oatmeal. It’s the variety pack. He grabs the box and looks inside. Pity. All that’s left are two packets of peaches and cream flavoured oatmeal.
Shteevie: Sighs.
Narrator: Shteevie wonders why the people at Quaker insist on putting peaches and cream oatmeal in the variety pack. No one in the history of mankind has ever said: “You know what would hit the spot right now? A nice hot bowl of Quaker peaches and cream instant oatmeal.” Everyone, including Shteevie, goes for the maple and brown sugar. This actually upsets Shteevie a lot because he likes to be unique. He doesn’t want to have the same favourite oatmeal flavour as everyone else. But try as he might, he just can’t get himself to like the peaches and cream oatmeal.
Shteevie: Oh forget it. I’ll just make toast.
Narrator: Shteevie has a unique way of eating toast. What he does is cut the toast into strips and then he dips the strips into a glass of V8 before he eats them. His grandfather did the same thing, only he used tomato juice.
Shteevie: It’s yummy.
Narrator: As Shteevie eats, he reads a book called An Atheist Defends Religion. Like the three thousand other books Shteevie has in his apartment, it is a book he will probably never read to fruition. An Atheist Defends Religion was written by an atheist named Bruce Sheiman, who argues that religion is necessary to achieve our fullest humanity.
Shteevie: I’d like to note that Charles Schulz’s Peanuts comic strip only started to suck when he began self-identifying as a secular humanist.
Narrator: Shteevie looks at the clock and sees that he has time for a shower. He turns his iPod on. It is Prince singing Little Red Corvette.
Shteevie: Prince kicks bum.
We will cut away to two that afternoon.
Narrator: Shteevie is now in Williamstown. He is here on assignment for the newspaper. Every week, the newspaper asks a pertinent question and it is Shteevie’s job to go out into the community, get six people to answer the question, and take their pictures. Today’s question is: Do all apartments need stoves?
Shteevie: Personally, I don’t think so. I get by with a microwave and a hot plate.
Narrator: Shteevie approaches a thirtysomething woman with long brown hair beneath a red beret. She is wearing a Toronto Blue Jays jersey and is walking a small dog.
Shteevie: Excuse me, ma’am, but do you think all apartments need stoves?
Lady: Why, yes I do. My most favourite thing in the world is cooking cinnamon buns. How could I ever make cinnamon buns in a stoveless apartment?
Shteevie: Very good. And your name please?
Lady: I am Katherine Davidson.
Shteevie: Great. Now I just have to get your picture.
Katherine Davidson: Oh no. I don’t want my picture in the paper. Sorry.
Narrator: This happens to Shteevie a lot.
We will cut away to eight that evening.
Narrator: Shteevie walks into Shoeless Joe’s Pub in Cornwall because it is the only place he can find that is showing the Calgary Flames game. Who are the Flames playing tonight? It really doesn’t matter. The Flames are going to lose.
Shteevie: Hey!
Narrator: Shteevie knows that the Flames will probably lose and that’s why he has his notebook, his fountain pen and a deck of cards with him. He knows that if – oops, I mean when – the Flames start to lose, he can amuse himself by writing or practising his magic.
Shteevie: They’re rebuilding, Ms. Narrator.
Narrator: Shteevie takes a seat in the booth near the washrooms. His server is a woman in her late twenties. She has very blonde hair and tattoos running down both arms. This morning for breakfast, she had a bowl of Grape Nuts.
Blonde serve: Hi there. Welcome to Shoeless Joe’s. Can I start you off with a beverage?
Narrator: Shteevie hates the word ‘beverage.’ It is a dumb and pretentious word. When people are thirsty, they say “I’m thirsty” or “I need a drink.” Never, “ Wow, I could really use a beverage right now.” Not unless they’re in the restaurant industry.
Shteevie: I would love a beverage.
Server: What kind of beverage would you like?
Shteevie: Something wet that I can beverate.
Server: Certainly sir.
Narrator: Shteevie turns on the TV and finds the Flames-Sharks game. The game hasn’t even started and the Sharks are already up 1-0.
Server: Here is your beverage, sir.
Shteevie: Thank you. It looks like a very nice beverage.
Narrator: It is now 3-0 for the Sharks.
Shteevie: My, that beverage was delicious.
Server: Thank you, sir. I am happy you enjoyed your beverage.
Narrator: It is now the end of the first period and every single player on the Sharks, including the goaltender, has a hat trick.
Shteevie: *BURP*
Narrator: Disgusted by the lacklustre play of the Sharks, and a little discouraged that the blonde tattooed waitress probably doesn’t think Shteevie is as cute as he was when he was 20, Shteevie leaves the restaurant and drives to the movie theatre, hoping to take in a late movie. He arrives and sees that the only movie that hasn’t started yet is an awful romantic comedy where Gwyneth Paltrow speaks in a British accent and Zac Efron spends a lot of time riding a horse.
Shteevie: There should be a law saying that there needs to be a new James Bond movie every month.
Narrator: Now Shteevie gets back into his car and drives to a local coffee house, which is having an open mic night. Shteevie goes inside, orders himself a green tea and sits down in time to watch a young lady take to the stage with her blue guitar.
Lady with blue guitar: I’d like to sing an original song I wrote last month. It’s all about how much I love peaches and cream oatmeal.
Narrator: Shteevie pinches himself, thinking he must be dreaming.
Shteevie: Shut up.
Narrator: He won’t though. He will lie in bed and finally roll out around 8:45, which will give him enough time to shave, pee, and eat a granola bar before he runs across the street to work.
Shteevie: Uhhh.
Narrator: Right now, Shteevie is lying there, thinking about how much he could accomplish in that extra hour. He could do some writing or practice some magic…
Shteevie: Okay, Ms. Narrator. I’ll get up.
Narrator: Now Shteevie gets up and goes into the kitchen to make breakfast. He opens the cubboard and sees a box of Quaker Instant Oatmeal. It’s the variety pack. He grabs the box and looks inside. Pity. All that’s left are two packets of peaches and cream flavoured oatmeal.
Shteevie: Sighs.
Narrator: Shteevie wonders why the people at Quaker insist on putting peaches and cream oatmeal in the variety pack. No one in the history of mankind has ever said: “You know what would hit the spot right now? A nice hot bowl of Quaker peaches and cream instant oatmeal.” Everyone, including Shteevie, goes for the maple and brown sugar. This actually upsets Shteevie a lot because he likes to be unique. He doesn’t want to have the same favourite oatmeal flavour as everyone else. But try as he might, he just can’t get himself to like the peaches and cream oatmeal.
Sucks so bad they have to give away Lego to get people to eat it.
Shteevie: Oh forget it. I’ll just make toast.
Narrator: Shteevie has a unique way of eating toast. What he does is cut the toast into strips and then he dips the strips into a glass of V8 before he eats them. His grandfather did the same thing, only he used tomato juice.
Shteevie: It’s yummy.
Narrator: As Shteevie eats, he reads a book called An Atheist Defends Religion. Like the three thousand other books Shteevie has in his apartment, it is a book he will probably never read to fruition. An Atheist Defends Religion was written by an atheist named Bruce Sheiman, who argues that religion is necessary to achieve our fullest humanity.
Must be Unitarian.
Shteevie: I’d like to note that Charles Schulz’s Peanuts comic strip only started to suck when he began self-identifying as a secular humanist.
Narrator: Shteevie looks at the clock and sees that he has time for a shower. He turns his iPod on. It is Prince singing Little Red Corvette.
Shteevie: Prince kicks bum.
We will cut away to two that afternoon.
Narrator: Shteevie is now in Williamstown. He is here on assignment for the newspaper. Every week, the newspaper asks a pertinent question and it is Shteevie’s job to go out into the community, get six people to answer the question, and take their pictures. Today’s question is: Do all apartments need stoves?
Shteevie: Personally, I don’t think so. I get by with a microwave and a hot plate.
Narrator: Shteevie approaches a thirtysomething woman with long brown hair beneath a red beret. She is wearing a Toronto Blue Jays jersey and is walking a small dog.
She wore a rasberry beret...
Shteevie: Excuse me, ma’am, but do you think all apartments need stoves?
Lady: Why, yes I do. My most favourite thing in the world is cooking cinnamon buns. How could I ever make cinnamon buns in a stoveless apartment?
Shteevie: Very good. And your name please?
Lady: I am Katherine Davidson.
Shteevie: Great. Now I just have to get your picture.
Katherine Davidson: Oh no. I don’t want my picture in the paper. Sorry.
Narrator: This happens to Shteevie a lot.
We will cut away to eight that evening.
Narrator: Shteevie walks into Shoeless Joe’s Pub in Cornwall because it is the only place he can find that is showing the Calgary Flames game. Who are the Flames playing tonight? It really doesn’t matter. The Flames are going to lose.
Shteevie: Hey!
Narrator: Shteevie knows that the Flames will probably lose and that’s why he has his notebook, his fountain pen and a deck of cards with him. He knows that if – oops, I mean when – the Flames start to lose, he can amuse himself by writing or practising his magic.
Shteevie: They’re rebuilding, Ms. Narrator.
Narrator: Shteevie takes a seat in the booth near the washrooms. His server is a woman in her late twenties. She has very blonde hair and tattoos running down both arms. This morning for breakfast, she had a bowl of Grape Nuts.
Blonde serve: Hi there. Welcome to Shoeless Joe’s. Can I start you off with a beverage?
Narrator: Shteevie hates the word ‘beverage.’ It is a dumb and pretentious word. When people are thirsty, they say “I’m thirsty” or “I need a drink.” Never, “ Wow, I could really use a beverage right now.” Not unless they’re in the restaurant industry.
Shteevie: I would love a beverage.
Server: What kind of beverage would you like?
Shteevie: Something wet that I can beverate.
Server: Certainly sir.
DRINK YOUR BEVERAGE! I GOT WINGS TO DROP!!!
Narrator: Shteevie turns on the TV and finds the Flames-Sharks game. The game hasn’t even started and the Sharks are already up 1-0.
Server: Here is your beverage, sir.
Shteevie: Thank you. It looks like a very nice beverage.
Narrator: It is now 3-0 for the Sharks.
Shteevie: My, that beverage was delicious.
Server: Thank you, sir. I am happy you enjoyed your beverage.
Narrator: It is now the end of the first period and every single player on the Sharks, including the goaltender, has a hat trick.
Shteevie: *BURP*
Narrator: Disgusted by the lacklustre play of the Sharks, and a little discouraged that the blonde tattooed waitress probably doesn’t think Shteevie is as cute as he was when he was 20, Shteevie leaves the restaurant and drives to the movie theatre, hoping to take in a late movie. He arrives and sees that the only movie that hasn’t started yet is an awful romantic comedy where Gwyneth Paltrow speaks in a British accent and Zac Efron spends a lot of time riding a horse.
Here Zac. Come kiss me in front of the sunset.
Shteevie: There should be a law saying that there needs to be a new James Bond movie every month.
Narrator: Now Shteevie gets back into his car and drives to a local coffee house, which is having an open mic night. Shteevie goes inside, orders himself a green tea and sits down in time to watch a young lady take to the stage with her blue guitar.
Lady with blue guitar: I’d like to sing an original song I wrote last month. It’s all about how much I love peaches and cream oatmeal.
Narrator: Shteevie pinches himself, thinking he must be dreaming.
A great way to play the blues
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