January 19: Tales of a couch surfer
Phooey on everyone who says that vegging in front of the television
is a waste of life. I have seen amazing things on TV - and not just
David Copperfield walking through the great wall of China. No, I have
seen even more amazing things. Brilliant things. Proof that humanity is
doomed.
-
Sometime in 1989, I saw a TV news program where they were interviewing a warlock who claimed he had a magic donkey that granted wishes. I am not making this up. There was a shot of him chanting and shaking incense around the donkey's butt (or the ass's ass.) Later, when the interviewer asked him if he had any proof, the guy said "well I wanted (Democrat Party candidate Michael) Dukakis to lose; he lost." Then he smiled an ugly smile.
Yeah, right. The only reason Bush won that election is because you prayed to your magic donkey. Dumbass.
-
The early 80s on Saturday mornings were great times to be couch surfers.
That's when the cartoons came on. Dragon's Lair. Super Friends. Turbo Teen. Saturday Supercade. Richie Rich and the Little Rascals Comedy Hour. Then some dumbass ruined it all with a cartoon of the Monchichis.
In Calgary, one of the big network affiliates was in Spokane. One Saturday morning, some furniture store in the Spokane area held a sale and hired the local television crew to come on down and do a day-long promo.
It was magical, really. It was raining in Spokane and there was no one in the store. No one except the staff and the TV crew. There was a reporter, a chipper thirtysomething woman in a yellow blazer, who was trying to keep things optimistic.
"Look at this couch," she said, bouncing on a couch with an upholstery pattern that looked like licorice puke. "This is a very comfortable couch, and it's a hydabed too. It's a steal at only $399."
In another commercial, the lady was interviewing the store owner, a potbellied mustached guy in his 50s. Mr. Mustache did not look happy. He'd probably paid the crew a couple thousand dollars for their time and there was no one in the store. Outside, the rain continued to fall.
"So how long have you been in business?" the woman asked.
"Thirteen years," the man said.
"And how is the sale going today?"
The man opened his mouth to say something and then turned around and walked away.
Then it was time for Super Friends. The plot of this particular episode was that Aqua Man had been captured.
Again.
-
How many hours have I wiled away watching the Calgary Flames play on TV? Where has it gotten me? What have I to show for it?
If you're going to be a sports buff, my advice is to multi-task. I write and I do magic, so there's no reason I can't practice my sleight of hand or write one of these silly notes while the Flames try to earn another two points against the Red Wings.
-
Listen:
I have lived on my own since 1998. In all that time, I have never had television service. I don't miss it. The only thing I watch is hockey, which I can get by going to the local pub.
But I am not going to anathamatize TV either. I watch it when I visit my parents or my brother or on the infrequent occasions when I am in a hotel. Sometimes I like to watch something mindless.
But I will never watch more than five seconds of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.
-
I used to have a job as a shuttle bus driver. The hours were long. Like 10 a.m. until after midnight. My routine on days like this was to finish work, grab a hot burrito at 7-Eleven and then drive home in time to catch Law & Order on A&E at 1 a.m. I would watch it in my parents living room, sitting in the swivel chair right next to the TV. And after an hour of fawning over Jill Hennessy, I would go to sleep.
-
Jill Hennessy gives me great joy.
-
My favourite TV show of all time is Mike Hammer, starring Stacy Keach. I discovered it when I was 12 and I remember it so fondly because a show like that could NEVER be made today. It was very politically incorrect and would be considered sexist in 2014. Mike Hammer was a male chauvinist with a heart of gold.
Here is a synopsis of a typical Mike Hammer episode: One of Mike Hammer's friends gets killed (people will never learn it's dangerous just to be friends with Mike Hammer.) Mike Hammer vows revenge even though his friend Pat Chambers of the New York Police Department tells him to let the cops handle it. Mike Hammer beats up some bad guys. Then he makes fun of the District Attorney. Then he sleeps with a woman with really big boobs. Then he beats up more bad guys. Then he goes walking down the street and another busty woman engages him in some totally sexist repartee (ie. A woman is walking her dogs. She says to Mike: "Excuse me but what do you think of my puppies?" and Mike replies: "They're nice, sweetheart, and the dogs are cute too.") Then Mike flirts with his secretary, Velda. Then a lot of bad guys beat Mike up. Then Mike sleeps with another woman. Then the first woman he slept with gets killed. Then Mike figures out who murdered his friend and then he kills him.
This is what Mike Hammer does every day of his life.
They never made a Mike Hammer Christmas special. They probably should have.
-
I know what I was doing the evening of Sept. 13, 1984. I was watching TV with my dad and some other people in the TV room. Canada was playing the USSR in the Canada Cup semifinal. Overtime. Paul Coffey breaks up a USSR two-on-one and then Mike Bossy scores on the redirect.
-
I know where I was Feb. 24, 2002. I was in the Royal Inn in Stettler, Alberta, watching Canada thump the United States 5-2 in the gold medal hockey game. It was exhilarating but depressing. I was the only hockey fan there. It was just me, the bartender, and two drunk old guys passed out in their beer. I decided if Canada ever made it to the gold medal game again, I'd watch it in a place where there would be great joy.
-
I know what I was doing on Feb. 28, 2010. I was standing in Don Cherry's Pub in downtown Ottawa with about a hundred other rabid Team Canada fans. Crosby scores in overtime. Canada wins gold. The place goes wild. So happy to be a part of history.
-
The gold medal game is slated for Feb. 23, 2014. If Canada is playing for gold, I'll be watching.
Just try to keep me away.
-
Sometime in 1989, I saw a TV news program where they were interviewing a warlock who claimed he had a magic donkey that granted wishes. I am not making this up. There was a shot of him chanting and shaking incense around the donkey's butt (or the ass's ass.) Later, when the interviewer asked him if he had any proof, the guy said "well I wanted (Democrat Party candidate Michael) Dukakis to lose; he lost." Then he smiled an ugly smile.
Yeah, right. The only reason Bush won that election is because you prayed to your magic donkey. Dumbass.
-
The early 80s on Saturday mornings were great times to be couch surfers.
That's when the cartoons came on. Dragon's Lair. Super Friends. Turbo Teen. Saturday Supercade. Richie Rich and the Little Rascals Comedy Hour. Then some dumbass ruined it all with a cartoon of the Monchichis.
In Calgary, one of the big network affiliates was in Spokane. One Saturday morning, some furniture store in the Spokane area held a sale and hired the local television crew to come on down and do a day-long promo.
It was magical, really. It was raining in Spokane and there was no one in the store. No one except the staff and the TV crew. There was a reporter, a chipper thirtysomething woman in a yellow blazer, who was trying to keep things optimistic.
"Look at this couch," she said, bouncing on a couch with an upholstery pattern that looked like licorice puke. "This is a very comfortable couch, and it's a hydabed too. It's a steal at only $399."
In another commercial, the lady was interviewing the store owner, a potbellied mustached guy in his 50s. Mr. Mustache did not look happy. He'd probably paid the crew a couple thousand dollars for their time and there was no one in the store. Outside, the rain continued to fall.
"So how long have you been in business?" the woman asked.
"Thirteen years," the man said.
"And how is the sale going today?"
The man opened his mouth to say something and then turned around and walked away.
Then it was time for Super Friends. The plot of this particular episode was that Aqua Man had been captured.
Again.
Ordinary person plus scuba gear equals me
-
How many hours have I wiled away watching the Calgary Flames play on TV? Where has it gotten me? What have I to show for it?
If you're going to be a sports buff, my advice is to multi-task. I write and I do magic, so there's no reason I can't practice my sleight of hand or write one of these silly notes while the Flames try to earn another two points against the Red Wings.
-
Listen:
I have lived on my own since 1998. In all that time, I have never had television service. I don't miss it. The only thing I watch is hockey, which I can get by going to the local pub.
But I am not going to anathamatize TV either. I watch it when I visit my parents or my brother or on the infrequent occasions when I am in a hotel. Sometimes I like to watch something mindless.
But I will never watch more than five seconds of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.
Proof the end is near
-
I used to have a job as a shuttle bus driver. The hours were long. Like 10 a.m. until after midnight. My routine on days like this was to finish work, grab a hot burrito at 7-Eleven and then drive home in time to catch Law & Order on A&E at 1 a.m. I would watch it in my parents living room, sitting in the swivel chair right next to the TV. And after an hour of fawning over Jill Hennessy, I would go to sleep.
-
Jill Hennessy gives me great joy.
-
My favourite TV show of all time is Mike Hammer, starring Stacy Keach. I discovered it when I was 12 and I remember it so fondly because a show like that could NEVER be made today. It was very politically incorrect and would be considered sexist in 2014. Mike Hammer was a male chauvinist with a heart of gold.
Here is a synopsis of a typical Mike Hammer episode: One of Mike Hammer's friends gets killed (people will never learn it's dangerous just to be friends with Mike Hammer.) Mike Hammer vows revenge even though his friend Pat Chambers of the New York Police Department tells him to let the cops handle it. Mike Hammer beats up some bad guys. Then he makes fun of the District Attorney. Then he sleeps with a woman with really big boobs. Then he beats up more bad guys. Then he goes walking down the street and another busty woman engages him in some totally sexist repartee (ie. A woman is walking her dogs. She says to Mike: "Excuse me but what do you think of my puppies?" and Mike replies: "They're nice, sweetheart, and the dogs are cute too.") Then Mike flirts with his secretary, Velda. Then a lot of bad guys beat Mike up. Then Mike sleeps with another woman. Then the first woman he slept with gets killed. Then Mike figures out who murdered his friend and then he kills him.
This is what Mike Hammer does every day of his life.
They never made a Mike Hammer Christmas special. They probably should have.
-
I know what I was doing the evening of Sept. 13, 1984. I was watching TV with my dad and some other people in the TV room. Canada was playing the USSR in the Canada Cup semifinal. Overtime. Paul Coffey breaks up a USSR two-on-one and then Mike Bossy scores on the redirect.
-
I know where I was Feb. 24, 2002. I was in the Royal Inn in Stettler, Alberta, watching Canada thump the United States 5-2 in the gold medal hockey game. It was exhilarating but depressing. I was the only hockey fan there. It was just me, the bartender, and two drunk old guys passed out in their beer. I decided if Canada ever made it to the gold medal game again, I'd watch it in a place where there would be great joy.
-
I know what I was doing on Feb. 28, 2010. I was standing in Don Cherry's Pub in downtown Ottawa with about a hundred other rabid Team Canada fans. Crosby scores in overtime. Canada wins gold. The place goes wild. So happy to be a part of history.
-
The gold medal game is slated for Feb. 23, 2014. If Canada is playing for gold, I'll be watching.
Just try to keep me away.
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