July 26: Unnecessary internal organs

 In one of the James Bond novels - I think it's You Only Live Twice - there is a brief monologue about the internal organs that human beings can live without. I knew about the appendix and the gall bladder and half our allotment of kidneys, but I didn't know we could also do without 40 per cent of our blood.

And now I am reminded of a joke that was popular in East Central Alberta when I lived there in 2002. Here is the joke:

An Albertan is bored with his life and decides he needs a change. He decides to become an Ontarian.

"Well that's a simple procedure," says his doctor. "All we have to do is remove 25 per cent of your brain and then you will be an Ontarian."

So the Albertan goes in for the procedure. But when he wakes up, the doctor is aghast.

"I'm so sorry," says the doctor. "We made a terrible mistake. Instead of removing 25 per cent of your brain, we removed 75 per cent."

The patient is furious. "Tu dis quoi?" he yells. "Qu'est ce que arrive ici?"

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The joke is old. It can be adapted to mock anyone.

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Just today, I visited the lab at our local hospital. My doctor wanted two vials of my blood to play with. I have an appointment with him in August and he will likely tell me that my prostate is the size of a lemon. 

Dudes can live without their prostates but there are side effects to having it out. One of those side effects is that you can't control your pee. Know what you need when you can't control your pee?

Depends.

 

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 Much as I joke about people having their brains removed, you'd think that some people actually have had that procedure done. Some people may have even had their hearts removed. Some people are stupid. Some people are jerks. Some people are stupid jerks. Sometimes I'm a stupid jerk.

A couple years ago, the police sent me an email at the newspaper. It was an item about a young man who was facing a litany of charges - driving while intoxicated, driving while disqualified, driving an uninsured vehicle, driving an unregistered vehicle, driving with illegal drugs in the car, resisting arrest, assaulting a police officer, uttering death threats, damage to property, etc...

I don't know why I love getting emails like that. I had to get on Facebook and look the guy up. Not surprised that his profile picture showed him sitting on a toilet, scowling at the camera, flipping the bird, bottle of Jack in his free hand. 

Yeah, take his brain, doc. He ain't using it.