July 12: Submarine sandwiches

Kelsey used to work at Subway. She told me that her least favourite sub to make was the meatball sub. Meatball subs are my favourite.

I asked Kelsey why she hated making meatball subs so much. She told me it was because they were messy.

The look Kelsey gives you when you order a meatball sub.

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There is a Subway in the town where I live. Since it's a small town, there is a very limited number of restaurants where we can eat. Most of these restaurants are closed on Monday, which sucks because that is the one day of the week where the office pays for my supper. Subway is open on Monday. I tend to eat at Subway a lot. I prefer Mr. Submarine, which started in a Toronto suburb back in 1968. It has since faced stiff competition by Subway.

I like the meatball sub at Mr. Submarine.

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I just got back from Calgary. While there, I went out for chicken wings and a Weird Al Yankovic concert with my sister and brother. Whenever the three of us go out, my sister and brother talk while I listen. This is sort of weird since I don't live in Calgary and both of them do. You would think that I would make an effort to include myself more in the conversation, but I seldom do. Both of them are smarter than I am and have more eclectic fields of knowledge. I tend to concentrate all my energy on the things I am super passionate about.

Anyway, my brother thought it was funny that Subway is still around, given all the scandals it's  endured. The franchise's former pitchman, Jared, went to prison for his dalliances with child prostitutes. It has also had to battle claims that there wasn't a whole lot of chicken in its chicken and, more recently, that there's not a lot of tuna in its tuna. 

But people are a curious admixture of logic and emotion. Most of us detest pedophiles but we're also smart enough to know that Subway's marketing people didn't know about Jared's proclivities before they hired him. That's in the past now. The average Subway customer generally only cares about one thing - getting a sammich inside his belly.

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As luck would have it, I read a horror story from a former Subway employee on Twitter today. She was talking about the strangest sandwich she ever made, one that traumatized her. A group of teenagers had come into the store for some subs. One of them was a girl who wanted a ranch dressing sub.

Yes, you read that right.

Apparently, this girl just wanted some bread that was slathered in ranch sauce. No, slathered isn't the right word. How about soaked? No, that doesn't cover it either. There may not be a word in the English language to describe this monstrosity. Apparently, this hapless Subway employee emptied an entire bottle of ranch on this bread and then wound up emptying another bottle on it. By the time she was done, the counter was covered in ranch sauce, the bread had gone all soggy, and this weird girl collected her sandwich, which was more like soup by that point, and took it over to the table to eat with her friends. Honestly, if I was there, I'd have just handed the girl a bottle of ranch dressing and a drinking straw. I wonder what Kelsey would have done.

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Now that I think about it, I have eaten in a number of sub shops over the years, not just Subway or Mr. Sub. There was a place in Calgary called Yellow Submarine that made decent meatball subs. There's Dagwoods in Montreal (named, I think, after Blondie's husband.) There's Quiznos, who once employed Don Cherry as their spokesperson. And there's Firehouse Subs, which are much more expensive than what you can get at Subway, but that's just fine because the sandwiches taste better too.

I am of the opinion that cucumber sandwiches are the best. I have felt this way since elementary school, when cucumber sandwiches were often the mainstay of my lunch. Mom knew the perfect ratio of butter, salt, and pepper. I can't come close to emulating it when I make these sandwiches for myself.

But for some reason, I can't bring myself to walk into a Subway and order a cucumber sub. Maybe it's just silly, maybe it's not cost effective, or maybe it's just because Subway doesn't have any butter.

Darn it all, guess I'll just have a meatball sub instead.

Sorry, Kelsey.