July 11: File not found

As luck would have it, I find myself magically transported to the biggest filing office in the universe. This office, which is 50 times the size of West Edmonton Mall, has more than a billion filing cabinets. Each cabinet is stuffed with files on every conceivable subject. What's more, the office is serviced by two dozen sentient robots who will zip off at light speed in order to collect any file you desire.

I am typing this from desk 27 in the office's burgundy wing. There is a cup of herbal tea to my left and a stack of files to my right. I have asked only for files that interest me. Some of the titles include:

- David Mamet's complete writings.

- The origins of Wonder Woman.

- Biography of St. Augustine.

- Transcript of Columbo episode: Requiem for a Falling Star

- Best Supporting Actress winners, 1977-1992

- List of Chinese restaurants where Carly Burgess ordered won ton soup

- US Presidents who ate Count Chocula on Christmas Eve (Bill Clinton, Richard Nixon, George Washington, though historians aren't sure about Nixon.)

- Lyrics to the 1910 Fruitgum Company's 1968 hit, Goody Goody Gumdrops.

- Complete list of Northwest Territories residents who hang fig leaves over pictures of Donald Duck (there are four, privacy regulations forbid me from naming them here, but one of them is Rick Petraki.)

- How do they get the soft flowing caramel into the Caramilk bar. (they freeze it first.)

- Coca-Cola's top secret recipe (hint: it has rhubarb.)

As I said, this is only a partial list. I expect to be here all night reading these amazing interesting files. However, as complete as this library is, it is not impossible to send the robots on a wild goose chase. They are capable of searching the trillions of files on hand in a split second, but, on occasion, they will return to me with a message of FILE NOT FOUND.

Indeed, such a missive was delivered to me upon making the following file search requests:

- Christian Dior's pituitary gland and how it wound up stapled to the bottom of a subway train in Norway.

- Santa Claus stapling bagels to his face.

- One-eyed guys named Skip who run daycares.

- Five-star British cooking.

- Wigwams of Zimbabwe.

- Complete list of Glengarrians who are really excited to be in Straight Talk.

-Blahhhhhhh!!!!

- The history of Eno

Wow, they actually had that last one. Got some reading to do.


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