July 22: Cheese buns

 When the Sashmeister told me "cheese buns" would be the topic-de-jouir, I was woozy with deja-vu. That's because way back in March of 2014, an American friend assigned me to write about cheese balls. Buns are different than balls. That last sentence could sound suggestive in another context.

I will come right out and say I am not a fan of cheese buns. In fact, I don't think I've ever eaten one in my life. I don't like cheese on much and I definitely don't like it melted. I'm famous for eating my pizza without cheese. I sure don't want it on buns. 


Cheese belongs on very little. It doesn't belong on hamburgers and it definitely does not belong on apple pie. In fact, apples don't belong in pie. No fruit should be in pies. Fruit should only be eaten raw. The only pies that should exist are cream pies like chocolate cream pie or coconut cream pie or butterscotch cream pie. Banana cream pie is very bad.

Once I saw someone eat an entire block of cheddar cheese for lunch. This was in high school. They sat down in the cafeteria, pulled out their big block of cheese, and ate it bite-by-bite over the course of the hour. Sometimes, they took a sip of water. I would hate to see inside that person's colon.

I don't remember much about our high school's cafeteria. I know they had great fries and gravy. I know there was a mural of a giant eyeball breaking through a wall. The mural did not feature any cheese buns.

-

High school cafeterias of today bear little resemblance to the ones from the late 1980s. Out here in Ontario, you can't get sodapop in a cafeteria. This is because the Ministry of Health or Education or Faulty Logic has decided that kids should be healthy and sugar free. That means if they want sodapop, they have to leave the school and walk to the corner store about one minute away, which they usually do.

Cheese buns are still available in high school cafeterias. Don't ask me to eat one though.

(Note: This one note is being filed a day late because my phone died at Ribfest last night and I had no way to charge it.)

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