Dec. 22: My favourite non-newsworthy articles
ANYTOWN, ONTARIO - No one has to convince Mary Smith that her
10-year-old son, Sammy, is a Sidney Crosby in the making. She says he's
the best hockey player she's ever seen. Problem is, she's the only one
who believes that.
"My Sammy is easily the best skater on his team," an irate Mrs. Smith told the Upper Armpit Bugle last week. "But do you think his coach will let him play? No. I went to one of his games last week and I brought a stopwatch and he was only on the ice for six minutes and thirteen seconds."
Sammy has been playing hockey since he was six years old. Presently, he plays right wing for the Anytown Aeros, currently enjoying a 3-11-1 record. It is Mrs. Smith's contention that the Aeros would be undefeated ("and probably win the Stanley Cup") if Sammy were given the ice time he deserves.
She says it's personal reasons why he's being benched so much. Last summer, Mrs. Smith's husband, Donald, was charged with driving while intoxicated and assaulting a police officer. Mrs. Smith herself also has a DUI charge and several shoplifting instances on her criminal record, but she contends that her son should not be judged on his parents' alleged misconduct.
"First of all, those shoplifting charges are bullshit. I didn't steal anything, I just forgot to pay," Mrs. Smith says. "But even if I was guilty, so what? My son doesn't shoplift. All he wants to do is play hockey."
Aeros coach, Guy Connolly, says he benches Sammy because, as hockey players go, Sammy sucks.
"Half the time he doesn't even show up for practice," Mr. Connolly says. "Once I even went to his house to pick him up and I found him playing his XBox. He said he didn't want to play hockey that day because he was busy playing Grand Theft Auto."
He adds that at games, Sammy usually can't even be bothered to focus on the ice.
"Three times he's scored on his own net," he says. "And once he called the referee a stupid drunk sonofabitch. I'm sorry but I just don't want a character like that on my team.
-----
BUNGHOLE, SASKATCHEWAN - Dorothy Van Bersewick says everybody loves her cat.
"My cat's name is Mittens and he is the best cat in the world," enthuses the 83-year-old Bunghole resident. "Everyone loves my cat. Even people who say they normally don't like cats say they love my cat."
Mrs. Van Bersewick, who used to knit, says that her new mission in life is to pamper her cat.
"Everyday I take about 200 pictures of my cat," she says. "Yesterday I got an adorable picture of my cat in the sink. Oh it's so lovely. Mommy sure does love her snookums."
She says she's working on a coffee table book called PICTURES OF MITTENS, which she hopes will retail for about $50.
"I need the money to feed my cat," she says. "I won't feed him dry cat food. That stuff is terrible. I only feed the finest gourmet food to my Mittens."
She says it costs about fifty dollars a day to feed her cat, something that's proven quite challenging since she's on a fixed income. She is imploring Bunghole residents to donate to the Feed Mittens Campaign.
"I understand that a lot of people like to donate to the Salvation Army or World Vision so they can help impoverished people around the world," she says. "I know that there are kids in Africa who don't even have clean water, but that doesn't matter to Mittens. He needs to eat gourmet cat food. That's much more important."
One thing's for sure, Mrs. Van Bersewick knows what matters and what doesn't.
"My cat is the most important thing in the world," Mrs. Van Bersewick says. "I love my cat. I adore my cat. I worship my cat. If anyone says anything bad about my cat, I'll claw their eyes out. When my cat dies, I'll die too. I'll shove a knife up my arsehole. That's how much I love my cat."
-----
ONTARIO SOCIETY OF COMMUNITY NEWSPAPERS - Christmas came early for a bunch of reporters who kick off stories with the words "Christmas came early." They were all loaded on an airplane and taken to, what they believed to be, a five star resort in Rio. They have not been heard from since. On the positive side, newsrooms across the province are now cliché-free.
-----
BUMPVILLE, NEW BRUNSWICK - Theodore "Ted" Galway is 56 years old. He's never voted in his life and he never intends to.
"They're all a bunch of liars," he says, speaking of politicians at the municipal, provincial, and federal levels. "All of 'em. All they ever do is lie."
Mr. Galway says his favourite thing to do is put a smug smile on his face while he listens to his friends discuss politics.
"I'm so much smarter than they are because I know politicians are all a bunch of liars," he says. "I was in the bar last night and my best friend, Donny, was talking to my brother, Mikey, about the upcoming election. Donny says we need a change. Mikey says the Liberals are fine. Me, I just sit there and I grin because I know it doesn't make a lick of difference. They're all liars. They're just in it for the money."
Mr. Galway says that society is very messed up. He says that taxes are too high, the criminal justice system is corrupt, that waiting times to see a doctor are way too long (evidenced by the fact that he had to wait four hours to talk to a physician about his headache) and that the road where his house is needs to be repaved. He also says welfare recipients (like himself) need more money to live.
But the solution can't come from government, he says, because the government is just a bunch of liars and crooks.
"Something else has got to be done," Mr. Galway says. "The government's gotta start visiting people in their homes and they gotta find out what the people want and then they gotta start doing those things. Holy cow, am I ever a big fat clueless stupid drooling idiot!!!"
-----
WIGGLESWORTH, MANITOBA - The December concert at Wigglesworth Public School was a tedious and often offensive affair that was marred by performers who couldn't sing, wouldn't sing, and often flat out refused to sing.
Principal Lorraine Rendall kicked the evening off by explaining that the school had to rechristen the event as "The December concert" instead of Christmas concert or Holiday concert after fielding complaints from secular parents who objected to religious connotations in the concert's program. No one applauded. Then the kindergarten kids marched on stage. There were about 16 kids altogether and they sang "Here comes Santa Claus." Actually, only two kids sang and it was more like screaming the words than actually singing. The rest of the kids just stood onstage and sucked their thumbs and one little girl started crying and ran over to her mother, who was sitting in the front row.
The concert got progressively worse. This reporter had to listen to the most dreadful recitation of The Night Before Christmas in the history of mankind. With all due apologies to Mrs. Duguay's Grade 2 class, we're pretty sure Clement Clark Moore didn't intend his classic poem to be rendered by a bunch of pint-sized people without incisors.
The concert ended with one song by the WPS band. That song was Jingle Bells. They were supposed to play O Holy Night and O Little Town of Bethlehem but were told they couldn't because those songs have religious connotations.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
-----
TURDSUCKER MALL, BRITISH COLUMBIA - Gouma Djibouti was born in Kenya and she celebrates Kwanzaa, not Christmas. She says she spent Christmas Eve wandering around the Turdsucker Mall waiting for people to wish her Merry Christmas so she could tear a strip off them.
"I made it a point to wear my Celebrate Kwanzaa T-shirt," Gouma told The News. "I know this is supposed to be one of the happiest times of the year in Canada but that didn't matter to me at all. I wanted to make it a point to show people exactly how insensitive, bigoted and racist Canadians are."
Things got underway when she strolled into The Gap at 7:10 p.m. to buy a pair of socks. The cashier, a pretty 17-year-old brown-haired named Morgan Donlevy, appropriately decked out in a Santa hat, wished Ms. Djibouti a Merry Christmas. Five minutes later, Morgan was cowering in the back room, crying and smoking a joint.
"I didn't mean to insult her," Morgan said. "I always thought Merry Christmas was a seasonal way of saying Have a Nice Day. I had no idea it meant 'my religion is better than yours. Die, stupid infidel.'"
Next year, Ms. Djibouti says she's going to team up with Jews, Muslims, and other faith-based or secular groups who don't observe Christmas. "We're going to flood Turdsucker Mall and make life miserable for anyone who utters the words ' Merry Christmas.'"
-----
EVERY HOSPITAL IN CANADA, NEW YEAR'S DAY - Jane Doe was born at the stroke of midnight on January 1, officially making her the New Year's Baby. Even so, baby Jane's parents, Jack and JIll, say there's nothing remarkable about it and wish the media would stop piling into their hospital room so they can take pictures.
"This never happens for babies born on October 16 or April 4 or November 17," an exhausted Jack Doe said as he cradled his newborn daughter. "But for some reason, reporters everywhere seem compelled to seek out the New Year's Baby so they can do big stories on them. I don't understand it. It's not like my kid shits gold pellets or anything."
Mr. Doe is right. In fact, there's no evidence whatsoever that New Year's Babies live more exemplary lives than their non-Capricorn counterparts. No New Year's Baby has ever been elected president, won an Academy Award or a Nobel Peace Prize.
"I actually find it a little insulting," Mrs. Doe said from her hospital bed. "It's like... the most newsworthy thing my kid will ever do in her life is be born. That's depressing. Basically, she pops out of me and it's all downhill from there."
The Does' story resonated deeply with the Canadian Association of Journalists. Last week, Grant LaFleche, president of the CAJ, issued a statement saying that New Year's Babies are no longer interesting and that any newspaper that wishes to write about them must do so at their own risk.
"My Sammy is easily the best skater on his team," an irate Mrs. Smith told the Upper Armpit Bugle last week. "But do you think his coach will let him play? No. I went to one of his games last week and I brought a stopwatch and he was only on the ice for six minutes and thirteen seconds."
Sammy has been playing hockey since he was six years old. Presently, he plays right wing for the Anytown Aeros, currently enjoying a 3-11-1 record. It is Mrs. Smith's contention that the Aeros would be undefeated ("and probably win the Stanley Cup") if Sammy were given the ice time he deserves.
She says it's personal reasons why he's being benched so much. Last summer, Mrs. Smith's husband, Donald, was charged with driving while intoxicated and assaulting a police officer. Mrs. Smith herself also has a DUI charge and several shoplifting instances on her criminal record, but she contends that her son should not be judged on his parents' alleged misconduct.
"First of all, those shoplifting charges are bullshit. I didn't steal anything, I just forgot to pay," Mrs. Smith says. "But even if I was guilty, so what? My son doesn't shoplift. All he wants to do is play hockey."
Aeros coach, Guy Connolly, says he benches Sammy because, as hockey players go, Sammy sucks.
"Half the time he doesn't even show up for practice," Mr. Connolly says. "Once I even went to his house to pick him up and I found him playing his XBox. He said he didn't want to play hockey that day because he was busy playing Grand Theft Auto."
He adds that at games, Sammy usually can't even be bothered to focus on the ice.
"Three times he's scored on his own net," he says. "And once he called the referee a stupid drunk sonofabitch. I'm sorry but I just don't want a character like that on my team.
-----
BUNGHOLE, SASKATCHEWAN - Dorothy Van Bersewick says everybody loves her cat.
"My cat's name is Mittens and he is the best cat in the world," enthuses the 83-year-old Bunghole resident. "Everyone loves my cat. Even people who say they normally don't like cats say they love my cat."
Mrs. Van Bersewick, who used to knit, says that her new mission in life is to pamper her cat.
"Everyday I take about 200 pictures of my cat," she says. "Yesterday I got an adorable picture of my cat in the sink. Oh it's so lovely. Mommy sure does love her snookums."
She says she's working on a coffee table book called PICTURES OF MITTENS, which she hopes will retail for about $50.
"I need the money to feed my cat," she says. "I won't feed him dry cat food. That stuff is terrible. I only feed the finest gourmet food to my Mittens."
She says it costs about fifty dollars a day to feed her cat, something that's proven quite challenging since she's on a fixed income. She is imploring Bunghole residents to donate to the Feed Mittens Campaign.
"I understand that a lot of people like to donate to the Salvation Army or World Vision so they can help impoverished people around the world," she says. "I know that there are kids in Africa who don't even have clean water, but that doesn't matter to Mittens. He needs to eat gourmet cat food. That's much more important."
One thing's for sure, Mrs. Van Bersewick knows what matters and what doesn't.
"My cat is the most important thing in the world," Mrs. Van Bersewick says. "I love my cat. I adore my cat. I worship my cat. If anyone says anything bad about my cat, I'll claw their eyes out. When my cat dies, I'll die too. I'll shove a knife up my arsehole. That's how much I love my cat."
-----
ONTARIO SOCIETY OF COMMUNITY NEWSPAPERS - Christmas came early for a bunch of reporters who kick off stories with the words "Christmas came early." They were all loaded on an airplane and taken to, what they believed to be, a five star resort in Rio. They have not been heard from since. On the positive side, newsrooms across the province are now cliché-free.
-----
BUMPVILLE, NEW BRUNSWICK - Theodore "Ted" Galway is 56 years old. He's never voted in his life and he never intends to.
"They're all a bunch of liars," he says, speaking of politicians at the municipal, provincial, and federal levels. "All of 'em. All they ever do is lie."
Mr. Galway says his favourite thing to do is put a smug smile on his face while he listens to his friends discuss politics.
"I'm so much smarter than they are because I know politicians are all a bunch of liars," he says. "I was in the bar last night and my best friend, Donny, was talking to my brother, Mikey, about the upcoming election. Donny says we need a change. Mikey says the Liberals are fine. Me, I just sit there and I grin because I know it doesn't make a lick of difference. They're all liars. They're just in it for the money."
Mr. Galway says that society is very messed up. He says that taxes are too high, the criminal justice system is corrupt, that waiting times to see a doctor are way too long (evidenced by the fact that he had to wait four hours to talk to a physician about his headache) and that the road where his house is needs to be repaved. He also says welfare recipients (like himself) need more money to live.
But the solution can't come from government, he says, because the government is just a bunch of liars and crooks.
"Something else has got to be done," Mr. Galway says. "The government's gotta start visiting people in their homes and they gotta find out what the people want and then they gotta start doing those things. Holy cow, am I ever a big fat clueless stupid drooling idiot!!!"
-----
WIGGLESWORTH, MANITOBA - The December concert at Wigglesworth Public School was a tedious and often offensive affair that was marred by performers who couldn't sing, wouldn't sing, and often flat out refused to sing.
Principal Lorraine Rendall kicked the evening off by explaining that the school had to rechristen the event as "The December concert" instead of Christmas concert or Holiday concert after fielding complaints from secular parents who objected to religious connotations in the concert's program. No one applauded. Then the kindergarten kids marched on stage. There were about 16 kids altogether and they sang "Here comes Santa Claus." Actually, only two kids sang and it was more like screaming the words than actually singing. The rest of the kids just stood onstage and sucked their thumbs and one little girl started crying and ran over to her mother, who was sitting in the front row.
The concert got progressively worse. This reporter had to listen to the most dreadful recitation of The Night Before Christmas in the history of mankind. With all due apologies to Mrs. Duguay's Grade 2 class, we're pretty sure Clement Clark Moore didn't intend his classic poem to be rendered by a bunch of pint-sized people without incisors.
The concert ended with one song by the WPS band. That song was Jingle Bells. They were supposed to play O Holy Night and O Little Town of Bethlehem but were told they couldn't because those songs have religious connotations.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
-----
TURDSUCKER MALL, BRITISH COLUMBIA - Gouma Djibouti was born in Kenya and she celebrates Kwanzaa, not Christmas. She says she spent Christmas Eve wandering around the Turdsucker Mall waiting for people to wish her Merry Christmas so she could tear a strip off them.
"I made it a point to wear my Celebrate Kwanzaa T-shirt," Gouma told The News. "I know this is supposed to be one of the happiest times of the year in Canada but that didn't matter to me at all. I wanted to make it a point to show people exactly how insensitive, bigoted and racist Canadians are."
Things got underway when she strolled into The Gap at 7:10 p.m. to buy a pair of socks. The cashier, a pretty 17-year-old brown-haired named Morgan Donlevy, appropriately decked out in a Santa hat, wished Ms. Djibouti a Merry Christmas. Five minutes later, Morgan was cowering in the back room, crying and smoking a joint.
"I didn't mean to insult her," Morgan said. "I always thought Merry Christmas was a seasonal way of saying Have a Nice Day. I had no idea it meant 'my religion is better than yours. Die, stupid infidel.'"
Next year, Ms. Djibouti says she's going to team up with Jews, Muslims, and other faith-based or secular groups who don't observe Christmas. "We're going to flood Turdsucker Mall and make life miserable for anyone who utters the words ' Merry Christmas.'"
-----
EVERY HOSPITAL IN CANADA, NEW YEAR'S DAY - Jane Doe was born at the stroke of midnight on January 1, officially making her the New Year's Baby. Even so, baby Jane's parents, Jack and JIll, say there's nothing remarkable about it and wish the media would stop piling into their hospital room so they can take pictures.
"This never happens for babies born on October 16 or April 4 or November 17," an exhausted Jack Doe said as he cradled his newborn daughter. "But for some reason, reporters everywhere seem compelled to seek out the New Year's Baby so they can do big stories on them. I don't understand it. It's not like my kid shits gold pellets or anything."
Mr. Doe is right. In fact, there's no evidence whatsoever that New Year's Babies live more exemplary lives than their non-Capricorn counterparts. No New Year's Baby has ever been elected president, won an Academy Award or a Nobel Peace Prize.
"I actually find it a little insulting," Mrs. Doe said from her hospital bed. "It's like... the most newsworthy thing my kid will ever do in her life is be born. That's depressing. Basically, she pops out of me and it's all downhill from there."
The Does' story resonated deeply with the Canadian Association of Journalists. Last week, Grant LaFleche, president of the CAJ, issued a statement saying that New Year's Babies are no longer interesting and that any newspaper that wishes to write about them must do so at their own risk.
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