Dec. 11: If I had $1,000,000

This will be a boring and practical note. There will be lots of cliches.

If I had a million dollars, I would put much of it in a trust fund for my son. I'd also put some in an RSP and I'd also spend some making the people I care about happy. I'd pay off student loans and I'd buy mom the Mercedes I've been promising her since I was 10.

And since Val is the one who gave me this title, I would buy her a bike. It would be exactly like the one I gave her in 2005. Somebody stole it. Seriously, they actually hacksawed the bike lock and made off with the bike. That person is a turd. Even as I type this, I hope he is getting butt-raped by an orangutan with HIV.

The bike kind of looked like this

If I had a million dollars, I would give some to charity. I'd give some to the Salvation Army because they rock and they do good work. I also think I might produce and direct a play I wrote a long time ago called Minimum Wage. No theatre company wants to produce Minimum Wage because (a) there are too many characters (b) the characters are all male or (c) the play sucks. Probably a combination of all three.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. And I would buy lots of V8 and I would drink it and I think I would go see a Calgary Flames playoff game too. And I would probably hire someone to clean my apartment once or twice a week. Come to think of it, I might actually move into another apartment. One with a balcony. The apartment would have four rooms. One would be my bedroom. One would be my son's room. One would be for all my magic stuff. One would be my writing room. The writing room would be extremely stupid because the only thing inside it would be a computer (no Internet), a desk, a comfy chair, and a little brown couch for catnaps. There might also be a fan and a mini-fridge with V8 and Dr. Pepper. Oh yeah, the apartment would also have a kitchen and a baffoom. Baffoom would have a bathtub and a separate walk-in shower. If Amanda Marshall were to visit me, I would not let her use the shower because her long hairs would clog up the drain.

 

This marks Amanda Marshall's 50th appearance in note-a-day. Seriously, with this kind of publicity, she'd better call her next album Rotating Pineapple.

Actually, if I had a million dollars, I could probably hire Amanda Marshall to do a private concert for me in my new kickass kitchen, which would have copper pots, which I would use to make Campbell's Cream of Tomato Soup, which is bad for you. It contains glucose-fructose, which is a stupid thing for tomato soup to have. Maybe instead of tomato soup, I should just heat up some V8 and drink that (or crumble crackers in it.) It would be healthier. I could eat it while Amanda sings Let it Rain or Birmingham or Sitting on top of the world. I bet Amanda Marshall likes V8. I bet she goes jogging every morning (three miles) and then she goes home and drinks one litre of V8 and then she goes off to whatever she does with herself now that she's no longer putting out albums or doing concerts so people can hear her amazing smoky alto voice that is ten billion times better than Celine Dion or Selena Gomez or Shania Twain. Amanda Marshall is the best singer in the whole wide world and the only person who knows this is me.

And I would buy Ashley a car. That would encourage her to get her driver's license.

Something else I would do is I'd walk around with a video camera and a whole bunch of fifty dollar bills. I would go up to strangers and I'd offer them fifty bucks if I could make a video of them screaming "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!" Then I would put all those videos on youtube. It would be the Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee channel and it would be super duper popular and Google ads would want to sponsor it and then I'd have to write a note about what I'd do now that I have one billion dollars.