Dec. 1: I want your sex

I want your sex is a song written and performed by George Michael. It is a filthy song. It is a bad song. BAD!!!!!!! (You can tell it's bad because of all the exclamation points that I used.)

I want your sex was released in 1987 and there is a music video that shows George Michael dancing intercut with a girl walking around in her underwear. At the end of the video, George Michael writes the words "Explore Monogamy" on someone's back. George wants everyone to explore monogamy and that is why he sings lyrics like this: "I swear i won't tease you/Won't tell you no lies/Don't need no bible just look in my eyes. I've waited so long baby out in the cold but I can't take much more, girl, I'm losing control."

That's funny because George says that we should explore monogamy and he also says we don't need Bibles (actually the editor in me says he's saying just the opposite because he employs a double-negative, but I'll let it go at that.) The Bible not only tells people to explore monogamy, it commands it. So if monogamy is so important to you, Georgie, brush up on your Corinthians.


Things George wants to explore. 1. Monogamy. 2. A decent razor blade. 3. The Village People.

There are two reasons why I think I want your sex is a bad song.

1. I am a prude.
2. When I was 14 years old, I had a 12-year-old girlfriend and she loved that song. She was at my house once and it was playing on the radio and she lip synced it perfectly and she told me how sexy George Michael was in the video and then she started talking sort of nasty to me and I got the idea that she was pretty eager to get nasty and a part of me thought that getting nasty with her would be a great way to impress all my buddies but I didn't want to do it - and I didn't do it - because I was 14 and I was innocent and this 12-year-old, although extremely pretty - scared me to death.

And so we went for a walk and then we went into the TV room where my sister was watching Newhart and then her dad picked her up and she went back to her home in the small town where she lived three hours away from me and when she came back the next summer she started dating my friend, Larry, but that is another story altogether.

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The lyrics of I want your sex sound like they are coming from an aggressive boyfriend who is giving his girlfriend an ultimatum.

I swear i won't tease you
Won't tell you no lies
I don't need no Bible
Just look in my eyes
I've waited so long baby
Now that we're friends
Every man's got his patience
And here's where mine ends

Great! Well, what will happen now that his patience has ended? Will he take her by force? Will he break up with her and find a more willing partner? Will he consort with a prostitute? That's pretty vague. It's also pretty slimy. It suggests that he became friends with this woman just because he wanted to have sex with her. Yucky.

Now it's entirely possible that I'm reading way too much into this. Maybe he just said "now that we're friends" because he needed a word that rhymes with ends. He could have written it like this:

I've waited so long baby
now that we know each other
Every man's got his patience
so introduce me to your brother

(Actually, after what happened to George Michael in that bathroom a number of years ago, this rendition is probably a lot more factual.)

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In Grade 7, our school had a lip sync contest. Our teacher told us that some songs were not appropriate. As examples, he singled out two songs - I want your sex and Madonna's Like a Virgin. No one did those songs but a few girls did Madonna's Dress You Up, which contains these Catholic school-friendly lyrics:

Feel the silky touch of my caresses
They will keep you looking so brand new
Let me cover you with velvet kisses
I'll create a look that's made for you
Gonna dress you up in my love
All over, all over
Gonna dress you up in my love
All over your body

I think they won.

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Wikipedia tells me that today, George Michael thinks I want your sex is bad. He never performs it in concert anymore. It may be because when he sings it, he knows his audience knows he's really singing about another dude's bunghole. To each their own, I suppose, but it kinda destroys the risque element the song embodied when we all heard it as teenagers.

You know, I actually have a vague memory of the DJ starting to play that song at one of our school dances. Someone made him shut it off pretty quick and the teenagers screamed in protest.

Years later, I watched someone sing that song at Karaoke Night. It sucked.

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When I was doing research for this note, I found a video that was a cover of I want your sex. It was done by three women with thick East European accents. I didn't like it. They came across as succubi.

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Here is what a succubus is: A female demon or supernatural entity* in folklore (traced back to medieval legend) that appears in dreams and takes the form of a woman in order to seduce men, usually through sexual activity.

* It is important to note that these particular demons are supernatural entities. After all, not all demons are supernatural.

I don't know about you fellahs, but this makes me hot.

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EVER NEAT!!! I just found out how to summon a succubus. Here is a spell you can do at home should you ever want to summon something that will do its darnedest to get you to go to hell.

Step #1: Clearly mark the floor with a white chord (or white chalk) and make a protective circle or pentagram. A white marble inlaid in black marble floor would be best, but most people can't afford that. It is important that nothing disrupts the protective circle. Even a bit of dirt across the white line could ruin the spell.

Step #2: Take 3 black candles (or 5) and place them equal distances apart inside the circle.

Step #3: Outside the circle, make 3 or 5 (same number as the candles) protective talismans or sigils around you.

Step #4: If possible, create an outer circle made from crushed protective herbs mixed together.

Step #5: Calm yourself and relax. Centre yourself.

Step #6: Now, visualize the circle around you, protecting you and seperating you from the rest of your house. This is *essential*.

Step #7: Once you have done that, and the candles are lit, lay in the pentagram position (arms straight out, legs apart) and summon the succubus (or incubus).

Step #8: Feel her come into the circle and feel her power.

Step #9: Feel her coalese into a physical, or semi physical form and now you'll be able to interact with her.

Step #10: She should be easier to invoke and banish than an Incubus and I suggest a successful encounter with her followed by a successful banish of her before attempting the more aggressive Incubus. Always do these at the new moon.

Great. I have to get black candles and chalk and crushed protective herbs (like parsley) and I have to wait until the new moon too. No thanks, I'll pass.

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Once when I was in Grade 12, I saw my high school girlfriend listening to her walkman. She said she was listening to George Michael. She was wearing red jeans. She was mad at me for some reason. I think it was because she was a teenaged girl.

Anyway, I asked her what song she was listening to and she said it was Father Figure and I asked her if she liked that song and she said yes and then she slammed her locker shut because she had to go to biology class.

A few years later, a magician friend of mine made a video where he was lip syncing to that song. I'm not sure why he made the video. Then again, I'm not sure why I'm pontificating so much about a song that was popular in 1987.

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I am vaguely surprised that Weird Al Yankovic never parodied I want your sex. If a song ever cried out to be parodied, surely it is I want your sex. Maybe the problem is that there aren't any funny words that rhyme with sex. I guess he could have done "I want your cheques" or "I want to flex" or "I want TexMex." Since he liked singing about food so much, that would probably be the ideal choice.

Enough of this.