April 6: Heat
Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy are bad. Here is why.
Back in 1995, Michael Mann made an awesome movie called Heat. It was so awesome that Al Pacino and Robert De Niro both agreed to be in it. This was 1995, an era when Robert De Niro was not making shitty movies like Meet the Fockers or The Big Wedding.
Whenever I watch Heat, my brain swells with awesomeness. Heat is the ultimate guy movie. It has a bank robbery and it has Al Pacino yelling at some guy not to waste his "motherf&#&$ time" and it has a pivotal scene where Pacino and De Niro have a conversation in a restaurant. Apparently, that restaurant is still open and people go there all the time just so they can sit at that table.
All women hate watching Heat. I know of only one exception. She knows who she is and she probably doesn't care anymore and this makes me very sad.
Heat was the second best movie of 1995. The best movie that year was Se7en, which gets the award because it actually made me see things in shades of grey.
Heat received absolutely no nominations at the Academy Awards that year. Another movie, Babe, which was about a talking pig, got nominated for best picture, director, actor and actually won one for best visual effects. Michael Mann, who is a consummate professional, probably doesn't give a shit.
In summary: Heat is a great fantastic movie. It is a gritty crime drama-thriller-action picture-tragedy about two lonely men. They are lonely because their professions demand it - though in different ways. The only way Heat could be any better would be if Jill Hennessy was in it.
This brings me to Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy, who are both bad.
The reason they are bad is that now, whenever I talk about what a great movie Heat is, people assume I am talking about Sandra and Melissa's movie, The Heat, which is the 48 billionth movie about two cops from opposite sides ever made.
The producers must have thought having two women playing the cops would be a unique angle. They're right. That's never been done before. Two female cops - totally different lifestyles - trying to work together in order to make the city a safer place. Never been done before. Ever!!!
The people who made The Heat owe Michael Mann an apology. Just because they added the word "the" before "Heat" doesn't mean people will assume it's a different movie. I could make a movie called "Godfather" or "The Glengarry Glen Ross" and people would lose their shit.
The people who made The Heat should have made it as a film adaptation of Cagney & Lacey. It could be updated for the 2010s and feminists could still get their groove by watching an actress portray a potty-mouthed power babe putting the boots to the bad guys (who are all white.)
Sandra Bullock may have won an Oscar. Melissa McCarthy may have been nominated for one.
But in my humble opinion, their latest effort together leaves me pretty darn cold.
Back in 1995, Michael Mann made an awesome movie called Heat. It was so awesome that Al Pacino and Robert De Niro both agreed to be in it. This was 1995, an era when Robert De Niro was not making shitty movies like Meet the Fockers or The Big Wedding.
Whenever I watch Heat, my brain swells with awesomeness. Heat is the ultimate guy movie. It has a bank robbery and it has Al Pacino yelling at some guy not to waste his "motherf&#&$ time" and it has a pivotal scene where Pacino and De Niro have a conversation in a restaurant. Apparently, that restaurant is still open and people go there all the time just so they can sit at that table.
All women hate watching Heat. I know of only one exception. She knows who she is and she probably doesn't care anymore and this makes me very sad.
Heat was the second best movie of 1995. The best movie that year was Se7en, which gets the award because it actually made me see things in shades of grey.
Heat received absolutely no nominations at the Academy Awards that year. Another movie, Babe, which was about a talking pig, got nominated for best picture, director, actor and actually won one for best visual effects. Michael Mann, who is a consummate professional, probably doesn't give a shit.
In summary: Heat is a great fantastic movie. It is a gritty crime drama-thriller-action picture-tragedy about two lonely men. They are lonely because their professions demand it - though in different ways. The only way Heat could be any better would be if Jill Hennessy was in it.
I could have played the Amy Brenneman role
This brings me to Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy, who are both bad.
The reason they are bad is that now, whenever I talk about what a great movie Heat is, people assume I am talking about Sandra and Melissa's movie, The Heat, which is the 48 billionth movie about two cops from opposite sides ever made.
The producers must have thought having two women playing the cops would be a unique angle. They're right. That's never been done before. Two female cops - totally different lifestyles - trying to work together in order to make the city a safer place. Never been done before. Ever!!!
The people who made The Heat owe Michael Mann an apology. Just because they added the word "the" before "Heat" doesn't mean people will assume it's a different movie. I could make a movie called "Godfather" or "The Glengarry Glen Ross" and people would lose their shit.
The people who made The Heat should have made it as a film adaptation of Cagney & Lacey. It could be updated for the 2010s and feminists could still get their groove by watching an actress portray a potty-mouthed power babe putting the boots to the bad guys (who are all white.)
Sandra Bullock may have won an Oscar. Melissa McCarthy may have been nominated for one.
But in my humble opinion, their latest effort together leaves me pretty darn cold.
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