April 12: I fell in love with a New York hot dog vendor
There was this guy named Jeff and he used to sell hot dogs on
Electric Avenue, which was a one block strip of heavily concentrated
nightclubs in downtown Calgary. I used to do magic on the street and
solicit tips. Jeff's hot dog booth was next to mine. We didn't become
friends but we were casual acquaintances. I used to buy hot dogs from
him every night after I finished my set.
I was in love with a girl named Kim, who was a 20-year-old blonde-haired doe-eyed girl who used to sell roses in the bars. Once she bought a hot dog - actually a sausage dog. She loaded it up with sauerkraut and onions and ketchup and wolfed it down in front of me. She didn't smile. Kim found me annoying. I still love her.
-
My friend, Meagan, recently went to New York along with her fiancee, Caleb, who set met in Montreal. The happy couple now lives in Australia. Meagan has perfect teeth and she used to want to be an actress but I don't think she wants to be one anymore, which is kind of sad because she was pretty good at it.
People named Meagan are bad. Here is why: There are just too many ways to spell Meagan. Here is a partial list of ways you can spell Meagan:
- Meagan
- Meaghan
- Meghan
- Megan
- Mayghan
- Maegan
- Maygann
I don't like referring to people named Meagan as Meg. The second syllable sounds majestic, like a crescendo after a really nice piece of music. Megan sounds like a symphony. Meg sounds like a fat lady falling down the stairs.
-
I stole that last line from Stephen King.
-
I myself went to New York City once. This was about five years ago. I went down to watch the Calgary Flames play the New York Rangers (the Flames won.) Other things I did in New York City:
- Visit Tannen's Magic Shop
- Go into the lobby of the Museum of Sex (which is filthy because sex is evil and bad)
- Talk to someone with really long hair about leprechans
- Buy a hot dog from a New York City hot dog vendor.
I tried to tell the hot dog vendor that I was buying a hot dog from him because I wanted to have a quintessential New York experience, which is eating a hot dog from a New York City hot dog vendor. The vendor did not share my joy. He just frowned and asked me "Whaddaya want onyer frank?" I said mustard. Lots of it. I did not fall in love with my New York City hot dog vendor. Here are the reasons why:
- He was not my type. He was past fifty and he was big and fat and he was wearing a faded gray T-shirt under a red plaid flannel coat and the T-shirt had stains on it.
- He was mostly bald and he hadn't shaved in six days and his whiskers were all grey
- He smelled really bad (like old milk mixed with sardines and the stuff you might scrape off your shoes if you walked a mile in week-old cottage cheese)
- I am heterosexual
-
But this note is supposed to be about falling in love with a New York hot dog vendor.
Because of this, I will have to resort to fiction.
Now the fiction starts.
-
This one summer, I was in New York City to publicize my new novel, which one of the big publishing houses in the city had given me a huge advance for.
I had just had coffee with David Mamet and David Copperfield and now I was walking down Oomfoofoo Street, looking for a store that sold Dr. Pepper. It was then that I spotted the tall and shapely brunette selling hot dogs from a hot dog cart.
"Hey," I said. "Aren't you Jill Hennessy?"
"Yes," she said. "Since leaving Law & Order and Crossing Jordan, I haven't been able to find a whole lot of acting work. So now I have to make a living selling hot dogs."
"This is a tragedy," I said. "You should be as famous as Julia Roberts and Judi Dench and Meryl Streep. Producers should be banging down your door to get you to star in their movies. You should be getting first billing above Tom Cruise."
"I agree," said Jill Hennessy, and then she flicked her long raven-black hair.
And then I remembered that she is married and I said words like shucks and darn and heck and phooey.
And then I bought a hot dog from her.
-
Remember that girl Kim who I mentioned at the beginning of the note? Apparently, she is selling real estate in Calgary. Rumour had it that she was dating a few wrestlers from World Wrestling Entertainment, including Razor Ramon, who, in real life, had a really bad alcohol problem.
Kim is 42 now and she probably has a big bum and this is how the universe punishes her for rejecting me when I was a 19-year-old geeky magician who still lived at home.
-
Once Kim and I wound up eating at Denny's at 3 a.m. We were there with a bunch of people who'd stayed at a bar called The Back Alley until it closed. The Back Alley was a dive of a bar in Calgary. It no longer exists. Once I saw Lee Aaron in concert there. Here is Lee Aaron:
So Kim and I are at Denny's and I had bought her meal (because I am sweet that way) and the girl next to us asked how long we'd been dating and Kim got really offended. "We're not dating," she said defiantly. She really looked insulted.
"Really?" said the girl. "That's too bad because you make a cute couple."
Later I drove Kim home and we listened to Prince's album Dirty Mind. The song When U were mine came on and Kim asked me if it was actually a Cyndi Lauper song. I said it was a Prince song but Cyndi Lauper covered it on her She's So Unusual album.
Here is what Kim said: "oh."
When I got to Kim's apartment, I asked her if she'd like to go one a date sometime and she said that I wasn't her type. Then she got out of my car. Two weeks later, Jeff told me he saw Kim walking down Electric Avenue holding hands with a six-foot-four bodybuilder who looked like he could eat my car. This made me sad.
Kim had a roommate named Melinda and once I went there with my dove, which I used in my magic act, and the dove flew away and fluttered onto the kitchen table, where Melinda was making a collage of photographs of Cindy Crawford. I told Kim that I thought Melinda was making a collage of girls who were not as pretty as her. Here is what Kim said after I told her that:
Nothing.
And what the frig does this have to do with falling in love with a New York City hot dog vendor?
Not much.
Sorry Meagan (or Megan or Meghan or Meg Ryan.)
-
I do not think Meagan will find this note offensive. She will likely tell me that it is weird that my imagination goes all over the place. She may also tell me to make peace with my past. This is something I cannot do. If I did, I would not be me.
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!
-
At the Lee Aaron concert, Lee told the crowd that she thought she had a fat bum. She also touched my hand at the end of the concert. I know this because I was standing in the front row and I held my hand up and she touched it. Lee probably doesn't remember it. I will remember it forever.
Lee Aaron did the show wearing a leather jacket and spandex.
-
Everyone should think like me and like the same things I do.
Lee Aaron and Amanda Marshall should be able to sell out the Saddledome three nights in a row. Madonna should be able to fill 50 per cent of Big Dan's Seafood Hut and Wine Grab in downtown Blilbim, Nunavut.
Also, Lee Aaron was born in Belleville, Ontario. This is the best thing about Belleville. Actually, this is probably the only good thing about Belleville. (I guess the fact that my friend, Richard Cole, who is a hypnotist, lives in Belleville is also a good thing about it.)
-
In a parallel universe, Electric Avenue is located in New York City. I am there to publicize my novel and to take in the Broadway revival of Wait Wait Bo Bait, starring Meagan Goodfellow as the girl in the purple shirt. On the way, I pass a whole bunch of hot dog vendors. One of them is Amanda Marshall. Another is Jill Hennessy. Another is Lee Aaron. Another is Kim, who is no longer working in real estate because the universe is punishing her for being mean to me at Denny's.
I buy a hot dog from Kim and I tell her that I no longer love her and this is kind of the truth but it also a lie and her long blonde hair is now short because women in their 40s always cut their hair short unless they are Amanda Marshall. (Fun fact: The last time I saw Jeff was at the Amanda Marshall show at the University of Calgary in 2001. Jeff was part of the sound crew. I asked if he'd introduce me to Amanda and he said he couldn't because Amanda didn't like doing meet and greets. My 13-year quest to meet Amanda Marshall has met with nothing but dismal failure.)
And she asks what I want on my hot dog and I say mustard and then she gives me a Dr. Pepper and I go to pay for it and she says don't worry, it's free and I say why and she says it's because she feels bad about being mean to me.
And I say thank you and then we hug and then I am on my way and the Broadway theatre is one block away and all is right with the world again.
I was in love with a girl named Kim, who was a 20-year-old blonde-haired doe-eyed girl who used to sell roses in the bars. Once she bought a hot dog - actually a sausage dog. She loaded it up with sauerkraut and onions and ketchup and wolfed it down in front of me. She didn't smile. Kim found me annoying. I still love her.
-
My friend, Meagan, recently went to New York along with her fiancee, Caleb, who set met in Montreal. The happy couple now lives in Australia. Meagan has perfect teeth and she used to want to be an actress but I don't think she wants to be one anymore, which is kind of sad because she was pretty good at it.
People named Meagan are bad. Here is why: There are just too many ways to spell Meagan. Here is a partial list of ways you can spell Meagan:
- Meagan
- Meaghan
- Meghan
- Megan
- Mayghan
- Maegan
- Maygann
I don't like referring to people named Meagan as Meg. The second syllable sounds majestic, like a crescendo after a really nice piece of music. Megan sounds like a symphony. Meg sounds like a fat lady falling down the stairs.
-
I stole that last line from Stephen King.
-
I myself went to New York City once. This was about five years ago. I went down to watch the Calgary Flames play the New York Rangers (the Flames won.) Other things I did in New York City:
- Visit Tannen's Magic Shop
- Go into the lobby of the Museum of Sex (which is filthy because sex is evil and bad)
- Talk to someone with really long hair about leprechans
- Buy a hot dog from a New York City hot dog vendor.
I tried to tell the hot dog vendor that I was buying a hot dog from him because I wanted to have a quintessential New York experience, which is eating a hot dog from a New York City hot dog vendor. The vendor did not share my joy. He just frowned and asked me "Whaddaya want onyer frank?" I said mustard. Lots of it. I did not fall in love with my New York City hot dog vendor. Here are the reasons why:
- He was not my type. He was past fifty and he was big and fat and he was wearing a faded gray T-shirt under a red plaid flannel coat and the T-shirt had stains on it.
- He was mostly bald and he hadn't shaved in six days and his whiskers were all grey
- He smelled really bad (like old milk mixed with sardines and the stuff you might scrape off your shoes if you walked a mile in week-old cottage cheese)
- I am heterosexual
-
But this note is supposed to be about falling in love with a New York hot dog vendor.
Because of this, I will have to resort to fiction.
Now the fiction starts.
-
This one summer, I was in New York City to publicize my new novel, which one of the big publishing houses in the city had given me a huge advance for.
I had just had coffee with David Mamet and David Copperfield and now I was walking down Oomfoofoo Street, looking for a store that sold Dr. Pepper. It was then that I spotted the tall and shapely brunette selling hot dogs from a hot dog cart.
"Hey," I said. "Aren't you Jill Hennessy?"
"Yes," she said. "Since leaving Law & Order and Crossing Jordan, I haven't been able to find a whole lot of acting work. So now I have to make a living selling hot dogs."
"This is a tragedy," I said. "You should be as famous as Julia Roberts and Judi Dench and Meryl Streep. Producers should be banging down your door to get you to star in their movies. You should be getting first billing above Tom Cruise."
"I agree," said Jill Hennessy, and then she flicked her long raven-black hair.
And then I remembered that she is married and I said words like shucks and darn and heck and phooey.
And then I bought a hot dog from her.
Insert wiener comment here
-
Remember that girl Kim who I mentioned at the beginning of the note? Apparently, she is selling real estate in Calgary. Rumour had it that she was dating a few wrestlers from World Wrestling Entertainment, including Razor Ramon, who, in real life, had a really bad alcohol problem.
Kim is 42 now and she probably has a big bum and this is how the universe punishes her for rejecting me when I was a 19-year-old geeky magician who still lived at home.
Hello bay-bee. Date me. I am at least ten times sexier than the magician over there
-
Once Kim and I wound up eating at Denny's at 3 a.m. We were there with a bunch of people who'd stayed at a bar called The Back Alley until it closed. The Back Alley was a dive of a bar in Calgary. It no longer exists. Once I saw Lee Aaron in concert there. Here is Lee Aaron:
Unlike most 80s acts, Lee Aaron looked like a chick and, get this, actually WAS a chick
So Kim and I are at Denny's and I had bought her meal (because I am sweet that way) and the girl next to us asked how long we'd been dating and Kim got really offended. "We're not dating," she said defiantly. She really looked insulted.
"Really?" said the girl. "That's too bad because you make a cute couple."
Later I drove Kim home and we listened to Prince's album Dirty Mind. The song When U were mine came on and Kim asked me if it was actually a Cyndi Lauper song. I said it was a Prince song but Cyndi Lauper covered it on her She's So Unusual album.
Here is what Kim said: "oh."
When I got to Kim's apartment, I asked her if she'd like to go one a date sometime and she said that I wasn't her type. Then she got out of my car. Two weeks later, Jeff told me he saw Kim walking down Electric Avenue holding hands with a six-foot-four bodybuilder who looked like he could eat my car. This made me sad.
Kim had a roommate named Melinda and once I went there with my dove, which I used in my magic act, and the dove flew away and fluttered onto the kitchen table, where Melinda was making a collage of photographs of Cindy Crawford. I told Kim that I thought Melinda was making a collage of girls who were not as pretty as her. Here is what Kim said after I told her that:
Nothing.
And what the frig does this have to do with falling in love with a New York City hot dog vendor?
Not much.
Sorry Meagan (or Megan or Meghan or Meg Ryan.)
Wow! Kim was prettier than me!
-
I do not think Meagan will find this note offensive. She will likely tell me that it is weird that my imagination goes all over the place. She may also tell me to make peace with my past. This is something I cannot do. If I did, I would not be me.
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!
-
At the Lee Aaron concert, Lee told the crowd that she thought she had a fat bum. She also touched my hand at the end of the concert. I know this because I was standing in the front row and I held my hand up and she touched it. Lee probably doesn't remember it. I will remember it forever.
Lee Aaron did the show wearing a leather jacket and spandex.
-
Everyone should think like me and like the same things I do.
Lee Aaron and Amanda Marshall should be able to sell out the Saddledome three nights in a row. Madonna should be able to fill 50 per cent of Big Dan's Seafood Hut and Wine Grab in downtown Blilbim, Nunavut.
Also, Lee Aaron was born in Belleville, Ontario. This is the best thing about Belleville. Actually, this is probably the only good thing about Belleville. (I guess the fact that my friend, Richard Cole, who is a hypnotist, lives in Belleville is also a good thing about it.)
-
In a parallel universe, Electric Avenue is located in New York City. I am there to publicize my novel and to take in the Broadway revival of Wait Wait Bo Bait, starring Meagan Goodfellow as the girl in the purple shirt. On the way, I pass a whole bunch of hot dog vendors. One of them is Amanda Marshall. Another is Jill Hennessy. Another is Lee Aaron. Another is Kim, who is no longer working in real estate because the universe is punishing her for being mean to me at Denny's.
I buy a hot dog from Kim and I tell her that I no longer love her and this is kind of the truth but it also a lie and her long blonde hair is now short because women in their 40s always cut their hair short unless they are Amanda Marshall. (Fun fact: The last time I saw Jeff was at the Amanda Marshall show at the University of Calgary in 2001. Jeff was part of the sound crew. I asked if he'd introduce me to Amanda and he said he couldn't because Amanda didn't like doing meet and greets. My 13-year quest to meet Amanda Marshall has met with nothing but dismal failure.)
And she asks what I want on my hot dog and I say mustard and then she gives me a Dr. Pepper and I go to pay for it and she says don't worry, it's free and I say why and she says it's because she feels bad about being mean to me.
And I say thank you and then we hug and then I am on my way and the Broadway theatre is one block away and all is right with the world again.
Yo Steve! How many pictures of your celebrity crushes are you going to print, anyway?
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