April 3; Wine, red or white?

Wine. Red or white?

I’m just not a wine drinker. I don’t care much for booze at all, actually. I’ve probably been drunk less than 10 times in my life – the most notable being my 18^th birthday – but that’s a story for another day.

If I had to choose between red and white wine, I’d probably take the white. That’s just because you can chill white wine and I think alcohol should be drank cold. No one ever drinks room temperature beer or cognac. I rest my case.

I used to drink cognac. I liked the stigma of it more than the taste. I’d be in a bar and someone would ask me what I’m drinking and I’d say cognac on the rocks and they’d tell me I have expensive tastes.

I don’t like beer because it’s too common and I associate it with anti-intellectual rednecks.

I don’t like vodka because it tastes awful.

Same with wine, actually. I just don’t like the way it tastes. Wine always leaves my mouth dry, which is a bad thing for a beverage to do. If you need a drink of something after you have a drink, you shouldn’t be drinking the first drink.

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I am moderately embarrassed by my teetotalling lifestyle. I grew up admiring James Bond, who could identify any wine after just one taste. If I was in a fancy restaurant for a business dinner, I probably wouldn’t impress my host if I ordered a Dr. Pepper.

But yanno… I probably would anyway.

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I’m actually of the opinion that Dr. Pepper goes with everything. Fresh fruit, pepperoni pizza, fettucine alfredo, steamed broccoli. Dr. Pepper completes the meal.

It’s not very good for you, but it sure tastes good.

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My friend Tanya is a poetess. She likes to drink red wine when she is composing. “But sometimes it gives me a red wine headache,” she says.

I am grateful I have no idea what that is.

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