May 6: Serial killers rarely answer questions like "Who's there?"
When I was 25, I got a prank call from someone pretending to be a serial killer.
"You're my prey," he said in an electronically-altered baritone voice. "I am a serial killer. I will hunt you down."
I heard teenagers snickering in the background.
"Pal," I said. "If you ever met a real life serial killer, you'd crap your pants."
And I hung up.
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I know one person who has killed another person. He was declared mentally unbalanced. He is walking the streets today.
I have met all sorts of people who claim they've killed before.
When I was 16, I worked in a ticket booth at the Calgary Stampede. My co-worker was a fat stupid ugly man who claimed he was a spy working at the Stampede undercover for the Canadian government. He claimed that the RV parked nearby was his and that it was packed full of top secret equipment like surveillance monitors and chemical bombs. He said he had 12 years of close combat training and knew 83 single strike kills ("I could kill you 10 times before you even stand up.") He said that he had killed several times before while carrying out missions around the world. He was eating a sandwich as he talked to me. It had peanut butter, bananas, onions and ketchup in it.
Then a couple of cowboys walked up to his RV, got in, and drove it away. I asked him if he was going to chase the cowboys and kill them for driving off with his RV filled with high tech surveillance bomb machines. He said nothing.
Idiot.
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In order to write this note, I had to Google 'serial killers.' Wikipedia took me to a page that lists serial killers by the number of victims. The top three people on this list are from Colombia, which officially makes Colombia the country in the world I least want to visit. Between the serial killers and the drug cartels, I'd be lucky to get out alive.
Serial killers rarely answer questions like: "Who's there?"
Probably because they don't speak English.
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So the most prolific serial killer of the 20th century is Luis Garavito, a murderer, raper, and torturer of children. He has 138 proven victims and could have as many as 400. I will not make this funny. He is in jail.
The runner-up is Pedro López, aka The Monster of the Andes, who has over 100 proven victims and has confessed to killing 300. His preferred prey: girls between 8 and 12. He raped and killed them. He was released from prison in 1998.
I know Wikipedia is spectacularly wrong about a lot of things so I did some more research and found out that this guy was released after serving a 20 year sentence.
I don't see a lot of grey in my moral outlook. Things are pretty much black and white with me. But I think that everyone (and by everyone I mean everyone who does not work in the Colombia criminal justice system) would agree with me when I say Pedro Lopez should still be in prison, preferably with rabid mice nibbling on his arsehole.
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I just wrote about the Friday the 13th movies and now I must write about them again.
The serial killer in those movies never said anything. I'm not sure why. Maybe his vocal cords didn't work. He died at the end of each film and all that death has got to do something to the old voicebox. Maybe he killed so many people because he was angry he'd never get to be an opera singer.
The Friday the 13th movies are a source of endless fascination for me because there are so many unanswered questions about the villain. Where does he sleep? Where does he get his weapons? How come he only kills people who don't know how to act?
And at that point I rest.
"You're my prey," he said in an electronically-altered baritone voice. "I am a serial killer. I will hunt you down."
I heard teenagers snickering in the background.
"Pal," I said. "If you ever met a real life serial killer, you'd crap your pants."
And I hung up.
-
I know one person who has killed another person. He was declared mentally unbalanced. He is walking the streets today.
I have met all sorts of people who claim they've killed before.
When I was 16, I worked in a ticket booth at the Calgary Stampede. My co-worker was a fat stupid ugly man who claimed he was a spy working at the Stampede undercover for the Canadian government. He claimed that the RV parked nearby was his and that it was packed full of top secret equipment like surveillance monitors and chemical bombs. He said he had 12 years of close combat training and knew 83 single strike kills ("I could kill you 10 times before you even stand up.") He said that he had killed several times before while carrying out missions around the world. He was eating a sandwich as he talked to me. It had peanut butter, bananas, onions and ketchup in it.
Then a couple of cowboys walked up to his RV, got in, and drove it away. I asked him if he was going to chase the cowboys and kill them for driving off with his RV filled with high tech surveillance bomb machines. He said nothing.
Idiot.
-
In order to write this note, I had to Google 'serial killers.' Wikipedia took me to a page that lists serial killers by the number of victims. The top three people on this list are from Colombia, which officially makes Colombia the country in the world I least want to visit. Between the serial killers and the drug cartels, I'd be lucky to get out alive.
Serial killers rarely answer questions like: "Who's there?"
Probably because they don't speak English.
He's so cuddly. Don't you just want to hug him and throw him in a prison cell?
-
So the most prolific serial killer of the 20th century is Luis Garavito, a murderer, raper, and torturer of children. He has 138 proven victims and could have as many as 400. I will not make this funny. He is in jail.
The runner-up is Pedro López, aka The Monster of the Andes, who has over 100 proven victims and has confessed to killing 300. His preferred prey: girls between 8 and 12. He raped and killed them. He was released from prison in 1998.
I know Wikipedia is spectacularly wrong about a lot of things so I did some more research and found out that this guy was released after serving a 20 year sentence.
I don't see a lot of grey in my moral outlook. Things are pretty much black and white with me. But I think that everyone (and by everyone I mean everyone who does not work in the Colombia criminal justice system) would agree with me when I say Pedro Lopez should still be in prison, preferably with rabid mice nibbling on his arsehole.
-
I just wrote about the Friday the 13th movies and now I must write about them again.
The serial killer in those movies never said anything. I'm not sure why. Maybe his vocal cords didn't work. He died at the end of each film and all that death has got to do something to the old voicebox. Maybe he killed so many people because he was angry he'd never get to be an opera singer.
The Friday the 13th movies are a source of endless fascination for me because there are so many unanswered questions about the villain. Where does he sleep? Where does he get his weapons? How come he only kills people who don't know how to act?
And at that point I rest.
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