May 24: Sailboats
Sailboats are boats that are powered by the wind. If there's no wind,
you don't go anywhere. You have to get out and kick. Unfortunately, if
you do that, your sailboat is no longer a sailboat. Now it's a kickboat.
Sailboats are often spotted in water near where rich people live. That's because the average brand new sailboat costs $100,000. You can buy a house for that kind of money (or two tickets to a Toronto Maple Leafs game.) I just went to a website and found a sailboat for $4,900. The boat is from 1965, which means the boat is older than the moon landing. I'm not sure how safe I'd feel on a boat that old.
When you're buying a sailboat, you need to ask the salesperson how windy it will be when you go sailing. If the salesperson says it won't be windy at all, you need to tell him he is bad and go to another sailboat store. Either that or just buy a motorboat. You can go boating in a motorboat no matter how windy or non-windy it is. Also, you can take people water skiing. Try water skiing off a sailboat. Doesn't work.
If you have a really nice kickass sailboat, you can take it around the world. Apparently you can take it across the ocean, over the Mariana's Trench, and it will survive tidal waves and krakens and icebergs. If you live in New York City and you have a sailboat at the Really Rich Person's Harbour, you can get in it and sail down to Chile and you can watch TV and sunbathe on the roof and send text messages to the president of Bea Arthur's fan club and drink red wine and even swim in a swimming pool that is on the roof of your really expensive sailboat.
If you want to buy a really expensive sailboat, you will need a lot of money. Here are some jobs that will pay you a lot of money so you can buy a really expensive sailboat:
- Basketball player in California
- Movie star
- Girl whose last name is Kardashian
- Anything that has to do with oil (office jobs only)
- Stephen King
- Magician/newspaper editor/note-a-day writer
- Interior designer (Australia only)
- Cute 20-year-old with big boobs serving cocktails on wing night
- Person who sends out spam emails claiming to be the widow of a Christian missionary who needs your desperate help to get a $50 million fortune into the hands of people who need it most
- Bozo the clown
The Canadian dime has a sailboat on it. This sailboat is known as the Bluenose, which was an important fishing vessel in Nova Scotia. The Canadian government chose to put the Bluenose on the dime after it realized that it's probably the best thing that will ever come out of Nova Scotia.
Other things that came out of Nova Scotia (none of which are cooler than the Bluenose) are:
- Canadian Justice Minister Peter MacKay (I might disagree with this if I was a woman)
- Rita MacNeil (I would agree with this even if I was a woman)
- Sidney Crosby (he was better than the Bluenose during the 2010 Winter Olympics but not the ones in 2014)
- Lighthouses
- Eight billion restaurants that sell seafood and smell like salt water and have fishing nets and anchors on the walls
I am writing this note from my sailboat.
I am passing your house right now.
HI!!!
Sailboats are often spotted in water near where rich people live. That's because the average brand new sailboat costs $100,000. You can buy a house for that kind of money (or two tickets to a Toronto Maple Leafs game.) I just went to a website and found a sailboat for $4,900. The boat is from 1965, which means the boat is older than the moon landing. I'm not sure how safe I'd feel on a boat that old.
When you're buying a sailboat, you need to ask the salesperson how windy it will be when you go sailing. If the salesperson says it won't be windy at all, you need to tell him he is bad and go to another sailboat store. Either that or just buy a motorboat. You can go boating in a motorboat no matter how windy or non-windy it is. Also, you can take people water skiing. Try water skiing off a sailboat. Doesn't work.
If you have a really nice kickass sailboat, you can take it around the world. Apparently you can take it across the ocean, over the Mariana's Trench, and it will survive tidal waves and krakens and icebergs. If you live in New York City and you have a sailboat at the Really Rich Person's Harbour, you can get in it and sail down to Chile and you can watch TV and sunbathe on the roof and send text messages to the president of Bea Arthur's fan club and drink red wine and even swim in a swimming pool that is on the roof of your really expensive sailboat.
If you want to buy a really expensive sailboat, you will need a lot of money. Here are some jobs that will pay you a lot of money so you can buy a really expensive sailboat:
- Basketball player in California
- Movie star
- Girl whose last name is Kardashian
- Anything that has to do with oil (office jobs only)
- Stephen King
- Magician/newspaper editor/note-a-day writer
- Interior designer (Australia only)
- Cute 20-year-old with big boobs serving cocktails on wing night
- Person who sends out spam emails claiming to be the widow of a Christian missionary who needs your desperate help to get a $50 million fortune into the hands of people who need it most
- Bozo the clown
A million bucks and I stop tickling him
The Canadian dime has a sailboat on it. This sailboat is known as the Bluenose, which was an important fishing vessel in Nova Scotia. The Canadian government chose to put the Bluenose on the dime after it realized that it's probably the best thing that will ever come out of Nova Scotia.
Other things that came out of Nova Scotia (none of which are cooler than the Bluenose) are:
- Canadian Justice Minister Peter MacKay (I might disagree with this if I was a woman)
- Rita MacNeil (I would agree with this even if I was a woman)
- Sidney Crosby (he was better than the Bluenose during the 2010 Winter Olympics but not the ones in 2014)
- Lighthouses
- Eight billion restaurants that sell seafood and smell like salt water and have fishing nets and anchors on the walls
I am writing this note from my sailboat.
I am passing your house right now.
HI!!!
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