May 23: Sweet Child O Mine

In 1987, a band called Guns N Roses released an album called Appetite for Destruction. The album looked like something you would find in a church for skeletons. Here is a picture of it:



That album is more than 25 years old. Most people think it only has three songs, which are Welcome to the Jungle, Paradise City, and Sweet Child O Mine. There are actually a lot more songs on it but they are bad because they have the effword in them and songs with the effword are bad. This means that most rap is bad.

Here is a picture of Prince in 1987, when he was touring with his album Sign O The Time.



1987 was a great year for saying O instead of Of. I guess Axl Rose needed the F so he could use the effword in You're Crazy (which is another song on Appetite for Destruction) and Prince needed it for the end of Play in the Sunshine (which is strange since it's a song about how great life is when you don't do drugs or alcohol.)

But when you think about it, Sweet Child O Mine would have sucked a little more if it was called Sweet Child Of Mine. Dropping the F made Axl sound like the ginger rock and roll rebel that he was, even though Sweet Child O Mine isn't really a rock and roll rebel song. It's vulnerable and it's about a girl who's really swell and who you kind of want to take care of. It's defiantly not about having mindless sex with slutty whores. That's what Motley Crue is for.

Costume's missing a pantyliner

Today, Sweet Child O Mine is one of the greatest summer driving songs in the world. That means it's great to listen to when you're in your car and you are on the highway and you are driving really fast and you have the windows and the sunroof open and it is bloody hot and humid outside and the sky is pure blue and cloudless and there is a bottle of ice cold Dr. Pepper beside you and if there is anyone in the passenger seat, then that person is as big a Guns and Roses fan as you are and that person will not turn the stereo off to tell you they want to stop at McDonalds or that they want to listen to Tiffany.

Gingers don't have souls

Let us now compare the lyrics of Sign O The Times with the lyrics of Sweet Child O Mine to see which O instead of Of song is better.

Here is Sign O The Times:

In France, a skinny man died of a big disease with a little name
By chance his girlfriend came across a needle and soon she did the same
At home there are seventeen-year-old boys and their idea of fun
Is being in a gang called 'The Disciples'
High on crack and totin' a machine gun

Time
Times

Hurricane Annie ripped the ceiling of a church and killed everyone inside
You turn on the telly and every other story is tellin' you somebody died
A sister killed her baby 'cause she couldn't afford to feed it
And yet we're sending people to the moon
In September, my cousin tried reefer for the very first time
Now he's doing horse - it's June, unh

That's some pretty heady stuff coming from the dude who wrote Kiss, which is by far the best song to come out of the 1980s. His Royal Badness seems to be telling us that we might be able to solve our problems if we just got our priorities straight. I'm not sure how important the space program is but I can tell you that if I have $100 to my name and I can use that money to either feed my child or go to Mars, my kid's getting fed.

Here are some lyrics to Sweet Child O Mine:

She's got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that
special place
And if I stared too long
I'd probably break down and cry

Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine

She's got eyes of the bluest skies
As if they thought of rain
I hate to look into those eyes
And see an ounce of pain
Her hair reminds me
of a warm safe place
Where as a child I'd hide
And pray for the thunder
And the rain
To quietly pass me by

As far as poetry goes, it needs an editor. First of all, the words "it seems to me" are redundant. Axl just needs to sing "She's got a smile that reminds me of childhood memories." But ya know... we can forgive all this persnickety nonsense because Sweet Child O Mine is a pretty awesome song. It doesn't have the naive social commentary as Sign O The Times but it is a fine reflection on the innocence of young love and the implied sorrow that love doesn't stay young forever. When you're 20, love is about holding hands and walking through a field of daisies. When you're 40 it's about helping someone unclog a toilet.

She's got a john that it seems to me is clogged with corn and sesame seeds

This blog has long stated that Prince is the greatest musician of the 20th century. However, we should note that Axl Rose's vocal range is greater than Prince's and, with all due respect to Mr. Rogers Nelson, Sweet Child O Mine is a much better drive really fast song that Sign O The Times. In fact, Prince's music isn't very good drive fast music. It's great to listen to when you're on a dance floor or making a chocolate milkshake or admiring a girl's belly button, but it just doesn't belong in a Ferrari. It does, of course, belong in a little red Corvette, but not when it's on the Deerfoot Trail. It does belong there if there's a girl in the passenger seat and you are driving her to 7-Eleven so she can buy Easter Creme Eggs.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Also, Val's favourite song of all time is I could never take the place of your man, which is on Sign O the Times.

And my former boss used to have Sweet Child O Mine as his ringtone and once, apparently, it played during a funeral. He was morified. Too bad it wasn't me in the coffin. I would have sat up, given him a high five, and then gone back to being dead.