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Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy are bad. Here is why. Back in 1995, Michael Mann made an awesome movie called Heat. It was so awesome that Al Pacino and Robert De Niro both agreed to be in it. This was 1995, an era when Robert De Niro was not making shitty movies like Meet the Fockers or The Big Wedding. Whenever I watch Heat, my brain swells with awesomeness. Heat is the ultimate guy movie. It has a bank robbery and it has Al Pacino yelling at some guy not to waste his "motherf&#&$ time" and it has a pivotal scene where Pacino and De Niro have a conversation in a restaurant. Apparently, that restaurant is still open and people go there all the time just so they can sit at that table. All women hate watching Heat. I know of only one exception. She knows who she is and she probably doesn't care anymore and this makes me very sad. Heat was the second best movie of 1995. The best movie that year was Se7en, which gets the award because i...

(Note: I was on vacation for a week and had no access to Wi-Fi. Because of this, my note-a-day was written longhand. I will be transcribing them over the next little while until I am caught up.) - Fourteen years ago, when I lived in Saskatchewan, I met a girl named Donna on the local telepersonals chatline. She was 27, she said, and had three kids. Ages ranged from six to one. Single mom. I asked her how she managed and she said that she also had a live-in nanny named Nadine. A couple weeks later, I went to the local mall to meet Donna and Nadine in person. Donna was as she described herself - medium height, long brown hair, brown eyes, medium build. Nothing could have prepared me for Nadine. I'm being kind when I tell you that Nadine was morbidly obese. She was wearing grey sweats and there were large wet stains under both armpits. She didn't walk, she waddled. I wish I could say I'm exaggerating but I'm not. Her hair was dark brown, pulled back in a...

I've always had an uneasy attitude about tattoos. Apparently, the Bible forbids them though it could be one of those "foods sacrificed to idols" issues on which Christians can differ. I probably don't like tattoos because, for some reason, I am afraid of commitment. What else is a tattoo but a lifelong commitment to a piece of art? - My friend, Serena's, father has a whole bunch of swastikas tattooed on his arms and back. Her father is not an anti-Semite. He claims that the swastika has been a sacred symbol since the dawn of man - that the Nazis adopted it and bastardized its true meaning. He is correct, actually, and the literal definition of swastika is "it is good." Still, that symbol will be an avatar of evil for at least the next ten generations. - My friend, Cade, is covered with tattoos. My favourite is the one with the three airplanes - he says they represent him, his brother, and his sister. He once told me that his t...

Wine. Red or white? I’m just not a wine drinker. I don’t care much for booze at all, actually. I’ve probably been drunk less than 10 times in my life – the most notable being my 18 th birthday – but that’s a story for another day. If I had to choose between red and white wine, I’d probably take the white. That’s just because you can chill white wine and I think alcohol should be drank cold. No one ever drinks room temperature beer or cognac. I rest my case. I used to drink cognac. I liked the stigma of it more than the taste. I’d be in a bar and someone would ask me what I’m drinking and I’d say cognac on the rocks and they’d tell me I have expensive tastes. I don’t like beer because it’s too common and I associate it with anti-intellectual rednecks. I don’t like vodka because it tastes awful. Same with wine, actually. I just don’t like the way it tastes. Wine always leaves my mouth dry, which is a bad thing for a beverage to do. If you need a drink of something after...

My grandma once gave me this book on karate. It was filled with pictures on how to do various kicks, punches, and blocks. My friend Matt and I read it and, when we were done, fancied ourselves black belts. We spent many an afternoon sparring in his bedroom. Of course, one can't learn the Martial Arts from a book. It is something that must be taught in a classroom. Later, I was delighted to learn that books could teach you how to do magic tricks. My first love: * I didn't see the first Karate Kid in theatres. The reason I didn't see it was that everyone else was wanting to see it. That meant that I could not allow myself to watch it. I had to be non-conformist by nature. To this day, I still haven't seen any of the Back to the Future movies. Or Titanic. * I did see Karate Kid Part 2 in the theatre. I went with Matt and his family. This was around the time I noticed that my eyesight was deteriorating. I asked the others if they would be offended if I move...

The French call April Fool's Day "Poisson D'Avril" which means April's Fish. In Grade 2 art class, they had us make cardboard fish and write Poisson D'Avril on them. The idea was we were supposed to put these fish on someone's chair. When they felt the cardboard fish beneath their buttocks, we were to scream "POISSON D'AVRIL!" I tried it on my dad that night. No one laughed. A cardboard fish just isn't very funny. - I have some fond memories of April Fool's Day. April 1 of 1991 was particularly memorable. I think I listened to some Prince music then. Actually, I know I did. Later, plenty of Easter Creme Eggs were consumed. - For the past 15 years, I have worked at weekly newspapers. It is always a TREAT WHEN THE PAPER COMES OUT ON April Fool's Day. One year I wrote a story about Pierce Brosnan buying the town's commercial hotel. Another year I wrote about town council passing a bylaw stating that everyo...

When I was 20, I was cast in a short film called Carpé Diem. It was written and directed by my friend Steve G, who was a big Martin Scorsese fan. My character was a bookish nerd named Jack who worked in a book store and was madly in love with the super trendy girl who worked in the clothing store across the street. The plot of the movie: Jack works up the courage to go into the store and talk to this girl. He invites her to lunch. They dine, they go for a walk, they confess that they are hiding. Jack behind his new trendy wardrobe, the girl behind her chic career. Jack really wants to write poetry. The girl really wants to illustrate children's books. The film ends with the two dancing in the snow. I have never seen the film. The darn thing never made it out of the edit suite. I am mad about that because I had to give up attending a Calgary Flames-Pittsburgh Penguins game in order to reshoot a crucial scene. But there is one memory of the Carpé Diem experience that wil...